Comment from Teri7

Excellent

First I would like to say I like this color you chose as it looks like a spring type color. You used very good descriptive words that made good sense to me. And you didn't use any punctuation either. Best wishes in the contest. love and blessings, Teri

 Comment Written 23-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 23-Feb-2023

Thanks for your feedback!

Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose

Good

Interesting entry for the Haiku Poetry Contest. It's a good start for a great haiku.

Good syllables count and presentation.

It needs some work. Try something similar to this...

winter exposed boughs
twisted bare bony and cold-
wait for warm weather

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 22-Feb-2023

Thank you for taking time to review my haiku. It's received very mixed reviews so far. Some seem to really like the personification, and the appeal to Spring as an entity. Some seem to think that those things should be removed entirely. As your suggestions remove it, may I ask why treating Spring as a force with agency didn't work for you?
Mintybee

reply by Gypsy Blue Rose on 22-Feb-2023

-- Exposed through winter

-- branches bare, bony, cold. Spring, = ( in haiku we avoid punctuation, except for a dash to pause before the satori. Here you have commas you don't need and a period before spring...never use a period in haiku because it's a full stop. Haiku should be able to read in one breath. With a period you break the flow. Also, you don't write a word that belongs to the next line at the end of a previous line

--weave them warm clothing.= (exposed to winter weave them warm clothing) doesn't make sense, read it to yourself, would you speak that way? Haiku should be clear and straightforward.

I would change it to something like this, read it to yourself and hear how it sounds.....

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bared branches
are exposed through winter --
spring weaves warm clothes
3/5/4= it's okay to have less than 5/7/5 syllables because Japanese and English syllables are different.

Haiku rules you can copy to your author notes.....


Haiku is a form of Japanese poetry made of short, unrhymed lines that evoke natural imagery. The haiku gives a moment of insight based on observation.

Japanese haiku are written in 3 lines with 5/7/5 syllables form. In English is 3 lines with 17 syllables OR LESS due to the difference between Japanese and English syllables.

haiku contains two separate parts:

A section that creates an image (often the first two lines, but not always)

Then another section which is different but connected?perhaps suggesting an interpretation of the first image, perhaps suggesting a contrast.

Haiku should be clear and direct, with strong images in a compact and concise manner.


for haiku rules click here - modern Haiku rules

reply by the author on 23-Feb-2023

Okay, I read your explanation a over a couple times. I did not know that full stops were not allowed in haiku, nor did I know that lines can't carry over. That is helpful. The idea I was going for was like a protective mother pointing out the discomfort of the trees, and then nudging spring to do something about it. "Spring, weave them warm clothing." like you'd say, "Sarah, go get the baby a blanket." Clearly that's not coming across, so maybe I'll play with it a bit and see if I can fix that, while fixing the full stop issue. Thanks for your thorough explanation.

Comment from w.j.debi

Excellent

Spring would certainly be welcome right now. Two days ago there were birds singing here and I thought Spring was on the way. Unfortunately, winter has returned with the biggest snow storm we've had all season, wind and drifts.
I like the personification having Spring weave warm clothing.

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 22-Feb-2023

Thank you for your review! We're in the middle of a storm here, too. I'm glad you liked the personification.

Comment from Mark D. R.

Excellent

Hi MintyBee!

Like very much your phrasing to describe winter. We all look forward to shed our heavy clothes for the upcoming spring weather.

Mark

P.S. Not overly enthused with your colored background choice, although it does match the door. Consider raising your font size to improve presentation value to other FS reviewers IMHO.

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 22-Feb-2023

Thanks for your review, and your suggestions.

Comment from kahpot

Excellent

Excellent, the image your words give the reader is wonderful, as the seasons change, they will get the coverage they need, very well done, best wishes for your contest****kahpot

 Comment Written 21-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 21-Feb-2023

Thank you so much for your review!

Comment from prettybluebirds

Excellent

You took the writing prompt and wrote a rather unusual poem, but I like it. The artwork is perfect for the subject of the writing. I wish you worlds of luck in the contest. Nice work.

 Comment Written 21-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 21-Feb-2023

Thank you for your review!

Comment from Carol Hillebrenner

Good

This is a good poem with terrific images both in winter and by summer. One little problem amid so few words needs to be fixed. (weaves) them warm clothing. Good picture.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 21-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 21-Feb-2023

Thank you for your review. I actually changed it from "Spring weaves them warm clothes" to "Spring, weave them warm clothes" on purpose, to make it an appeal to the season instead of a description of a natural process. That's why I added the tag line "an appeal to spring". I'm sorry that didn't come across as clearly as I'd wanted. Any suggestions on how to make it more obvious?

reply by Carol Hillebrenner on 21-Feb-2023

Go back to the first way as it reads more smoothly.

Comment from Tommy Francesco

Exceptional

This is a beautiful and evocative piece that captures the essence of seasonal change. The imagery is simple yet effective, with a message that speaks to the resilience of nature and the cyclical nature of life.

 Comment Written 21-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 21-Feb-2023

Thank you for your review, and for picking up so much. The original draft actually included the word resilience, so you noticing that means a lot to me. Thanks!

Comment from JT traveller

Excellent

What a wonderful way to express your emotions regarding spring. Weaving warm garments for trees after the cold, harsh Winter has left them bereft and naked.

A thoroughly enjoyable read. Great layout too.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 21-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 21-Feb-2023

Thank you for your review! I'm glad you liked my poem.