Haiku (in black uniform)
5-7-5 poem31 total reviews
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Those ants are tenacious and regimented as they march into houses sometimes too and remind me of a formidable focused band of warriors! Much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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Those ants are tenacious and regimented as they march into houses sometimes too and remind me of a formidable focused band of warriors! Much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 28-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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Thank you, Dolly, for taking the time at review my haiku. Always appreciated. ~DDxo
Comment from w.j.debi
I like that surprise ending. I didn't expect the ants, but they do seem to march in line like a black uniformed army, don't they?
This is an excellent entry into the contest.
Best of luck
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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I like that surprise ending. I didn't expect the ants, but they do seem to march in line like a black uniformed army, don't they?
This is an excellent entry into the contest.
Best of luck
Comment Written 28-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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Debi ~ thank you for taking the time to review my haiku. Much appreciated. ~DD
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your haiku contest entry was in great form, DD
I enjoyed reading it. Great job with the syllable
count per line. Your words painted a picture of
their own. I liked the satori--so many haiku seem
to be just 17 syllables, but your adhered to the style.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes in the contest, Jan
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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Your haiku contest entry was in great form, DD
I enjoyed reading it. Great job with the syllable
count per line. Your words painted a picture of
their own. I liked the satori--so many haiku seem
to be just 17 syllables, but your adhered to the style.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes in the contest, Jan
Comment Written 28-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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Jan ~ thank you for your thoughtful review on my haiku. As always, it is much appreciated. ~DDxo
Comment from Mintybee
I really like this poem. The metaphor in the last line speaks volumes. Ants are a force to be reckoned with in regards to cooperation, relative strength, and numbers. They are also easily crushed by us. Armies are likewise a daunting thought, but a well-placed missile does a lot of damage to human troops. I like the clear words you use, and the general flow of your poem. I like the somber tone.
MIntybee
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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I really like this poem. The metaphor in the last line speaks volumes. Ants are a force to be reckoned with in regards to cooperation, relative strength, and numbers. They are also easily crushed by us. Armies are likewise a daunting thought, but a well-placed missile does a lot of damage to human troops. I like the clear words you use, and the general flow of your poem. I like the somber tone.
MIntybee
Comment Written 28-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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Thank you, Mintybee, for taking the time to review my haiku. Enjoy the week :-) ~DD
Comment from Mark D. R.
Yes, you ably described the march of the army of black ants in your contest entry. Black and white coloring is a good idea.
Would have liked to see an illustration to pair with your verse.
Mark
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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Yes, you ably described the march of the army of black ants in your contest entry. Black and white coloring is a good idea.
Would have liked to see an illustration to pair with your verse.
Mark
Comment Written 28-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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Thanks, Mark for your review on my haiku. Yes, a picture would be nice but it would give up the ghost straight away instead of painting a picture. Every line has a play on words but unfortunately every reviewer so far has taken this piece literally. Sigh?
Comment from AP Apgar
I like your haiku poem very much- good picture presentation- word count good- beginning line sets the stage for the mind -black uniform- "army soldiers on" excellent! Satori- last line perfect- surprise Good Job.
Only suggestions - perhaps 'uniform' to uniforms - army and ants imply more than one? Just a thought! Bless AP
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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I like your haiku poem very much- good picture presentation- word count good- beginning line sets the stage for the mind -black uniform- "army soldiers on" excellent! Satori- last line perfect- surprise Good Job.
Only suggestions - perhaps 'uniform' to uniforms - army and ants imply more than one? Just a thought! Bless AP
Comment Written 28-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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AP ~ Thank you. I do appreciate your review on my haiku. Unfortunately, many reviewers took this piece literally. Which is why I also did not place a picture to completely numb the senses. This whole piece was a play on words.
With regards to your suggestion of changing word to plural...the first line is of - uniform - the same look, but it is not just a - noun. It also relates to consistent and undifferentiated - adjective.
The second line was a play on words that related to the - army ant - or - soldier ant - which exist. And soldiering on as they all have a mission.
The third line also related to being - in line - and not just an adverb - side by side or equal - but an adjective of - conforming.
Too many play on words for people to read deeper than the obvious short description of - ants. But, at least I enjoyed writing it.
I refused to explain all that in the author notes. It would defeat the object of writing the haiku. ~DD
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Hello DD- excellent explanation!! I really appreciate- you and I are of the same mind- dimensional in our writings - unfortunately those who review our works are not sometimes-i just wrote a one hundred plus explanation to a reviewer yesterday lol - as for the undifferentiated adjective- I now understand- I think was just confused because there was no comma separating- uniform - ( I think it was (double meaning) I will reread ) none the less - the term - soldiering on? was excellent- I was in the military for many years- as for the picture- I didn?t use them either to start with- more interested with the poem and binging attention to it! I soon realized that in this environment- most people are visual and relate more to the picture as reflected in their review comments! So I began taking the extra step of matching (as best I could) the visual component. Is what it is? I don?t know about taking this poem literally- to me - clearly a personification- mixed metaphor- army- and ants -cool I thought- what haiku is supposed to do? I am only a student what do I know right? Third line? Obvious to me- But you did have fun writing it lol and eventually we stop have unrealistic expectations and realize- self satisfaction is at lest better than being totally misunderstood lol Don?t be so stingy with notes- they can be a learning tool for some - something not available to us in other circumstances- every once in a while it will be rewarded with six stars- ?
Okay - enough from me - have a good day tomorrow my friend- you poem was excellent!!! AP
Comment from patcelaw
It is so very distressing when you live in a home where they ants do seem to take over at times to see a long string of ants in your kitchen or bathroom, or wherever it's really distressing. I do not live in such a place now, however, in the past, I did have a home where this was a constant problem. Patricia.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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It is so very distressing when you live in a home where they ants do seem to take over at times to see a long string of ants in your kitchen or bathroom, or wherever it's really distressing. I do not live in such a place now, however, in the past, I did have a home where this was a constant problem. Patricia.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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Patricia ~ Thank you for taking the time to review my haiku. Blessings to you. ~DD
Comment from Pantygynt
I liked the way the satori line took an unexpected turn, changing our appreciation of the meaning of the two earlier lines, in the best traditions of haiku poetry.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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I liked the way the satori line took an unexpected turn, changing our appreciation of the meaning of the two earlier lines, in the best traditions of haiku poetry.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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Thank you, Jim. I do appreciate your review on my haiku. Unfortunately, many reviewers took this piece literally. Which is why I also did not place a picture to completely numb the senses. This whole piece was a play on words.
The first line is of - uniform - the same look, but it is not just a - noun. It also relates to consistent and undifferentiated - adjective.
The second line was a play on words that related to the - army ant - or - soldier ant - which exist. And soldiering on as they all have a mission.
The third line also related to being - in line - and not just an adverb - side by side or equal - but an adjective of - conforming.
Too many play on words for people to read deeper than the obvious short description of - ants. But, at least I enjoyed writing it.
I refused to explain all that in the author notes. It would defeat the object of writing the haiku.
Comment from Bill Schott
This haiku, In Black Uniform, presented with a 5-7-5 formatting, describes the intimidating assault of the seemingly mechanical and robotic assembly of ants.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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This haiku, In Black Uniform, presented with a 5-7-5 formatting, describes the intimidating assault of the seemingly mechanical and robotic assembly of ants.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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Thanks Bill, I'm glad you picked up on my haiku on ants. I appreciate your review. Blessings ~DD
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Nice presentation and a good topic, DD.
-A well written haiku with effective
nature and seasonal imagery.
-Good opening lines set the scene
showing how the ants "soldier on."
-A very good satori line.
-Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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-Nice presentation and a good topic, DD.
-A well written haiku with effective
nature and seasonal imagery.
-Good opening lines set the scene
showing how the ants "soldier on."
-A very good satori line.
-Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2023
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Thank you, Pam, for your encouraging comments on my haiku. It is much appreciated. I did wonder if it would be fully understood by reviewers. The - in line - has two meanings and there are ants known as soldier ants as well as army ants so I was playing with words :-)
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You are very welcome, DD, and thanks for sharing. I didn't know that about ants.
