The Error of His Ways
Consequences of drunkenness.13 total reviews
Comment from JT traveller
A fun write. It sounds like you have a very Australian sense of humour which I could appreciate.
Skulling ten bottles, that takes some impressive effort.
I particularly enjoyed how the selected words were carefully woven into the poem so it did not seem forced.
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A fun write. It sounds like you have a very Australian sense of humour which I could appreciate.
Skulling ten bottles, that takes some impressive effort.
I particularly enjoyed how the selected words were carefully woven into the poem so it did not seem forced.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2023
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
I found this extremely amusing, witty in fact. I liked the side allusions, keeping in the tone of the words, such as
His jokes were blue, cigarette smoke too
they added to the value of the poem. kay
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I found this extremely amusing, witty in fact. I liked the side allusions, keeping in the tone of the words, such as
His jokes were blue, cigarette smoke too
they added to the value of the poem. kay
Comment Written 16-Feb-2023
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
You used the words correctly, love, dread, fellowship and frown. The drunken fool had too much booze and his woman left him. Do you think he learned a lesson? Well written.
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You used the words correctly, love, dread, fellowship and frown. The drunken fool had too much booze and his woman left him. Do you think he learned a lesson? Well written.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2023
Comment from Wendy G
Excellent story in a poem, and the words were smoothly incorporated. The theme, although treated in a lightgearted way is always relevant. Fine presentation, great image. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
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Excellent story in a poem, and the words were smoothly incorporated. The theme, although treated in a lightgearted way is always relevant. Fine presentation, great image. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
Comment Written 15-Feb-2023
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Excellent entry for the Use These Words writing prompt Contest. It's very funny.
You grasped the form well. Nice presentation. Your descriptive words flow well expressing clear mental imagery.
Good luck in the contest.
Gypsy
"The poet waits quietly to paint the unsaid." - Atticus
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Excellent entry for the Use These Words writing prompt Contest. It's very funny.
You grasped the form well. Nice presentation. Your descriptive words flow well expressing clear mental imagery.
Good luck in the contest.
Gypsy
"The poet waits quietly to paint the unsaid." - Atticus
Comment Written 15-Feb-2023
Comment from Sarah Tummey
You fitted all the words perfectly into this story poem. Must admit I think he's probably better-off without her! My end to the story would have him finding someone more compassionate.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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You fitted all the words perfectly into this story poem. Must admit I think he's probably better-off without her! My end to the story would have him finding someone more compassionate.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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Thanks for reviewing, but I find your comment about being compassionate rather odd. Maybe you missed the part where he trashed the house and gave her a black eye? Why be compassionate to a drunken violent brute? She's better off without HIM if his drinking is causing problems.
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I probably did miss that part. The part that stuck out to me was when she came into the pub and said: "You're a disgrace". The drinking may be a disgrace; his choices, but him as a person? Also, would someone who had been a victim of domestic violence confront the perpetrator? Wouldn't they be safer just moving on? But perhaps that's why she came into the pub and did it in front of people - to embarrass him.
Comment from Kaiku
Funny. Good entry. Now it`s your turn in the barrel! Don`t know if you ever heard that saying. Whatever you do, don`t get in the barrel. Good luck.
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Funny. Good entry. Now it`s your turn in the barrel! Don`t know if you ever heard that saying. Whatever you do, don`t get in the barrel. Good luck.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2023
Comment from Mary Shifman
This humorous poem is well done. I like the way you rhymed it, too. The poem gave me a chuckle. The lout slouching on the barrel is perfect for the poem. Good luck in the contest.
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This humorous poem is well done. I like the way you rhymed it, too. The poem gave me a chuckle. The lout slouching on the barrel is perfect for the poem. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2023
Comment from jessizero
You did a great job telling this story in a poem using the words supplied. I find myself hoping things will work out for your main character. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
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You did a great job telling this story in a poem using the words supplied. I find myself hoping things will work out for your main character. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2023
Comment from Mintybee
This was a good way to use all the four words for the challenge, and thank you for putting them in bold. It's a decent story in itself. There are some solid phrases, like, "His jokes were blue, cigarette smoke too". It's detailed and interesting. The rhyme scheme is solid. The meter varies greatly, but the flow works well anyway. The only part that didn't flow as well was the stanza where his love enters, and off-setting that makes sense. Best wishes in your contest.
Mintybee
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This was a good way to use all the four words for the challenge, and thank you for putting them in bold. It's a decent story in itself. There are some solid phrases, like, "His jokes were blue, cigarette smoke too". It's detailed and interesting. The rhyme scheme is solid. The meter varies greatly, but the flow works well anyway. The only part that didn't flow as well was the stanza where his love enters, and off-setting that makes sense. Best wishes in your contest.
Mintybee
Comment Written 14-Feb-2023
