Comment from Write Right Writer

Excellent

Wayne...

You develop each of these characters well. They are "real" with intriguing, compelling backstories and a proper glimpse into possible "motivations" for future behaviors. Well done!

I may not understand the entire process or your immediate objectives at this point but, much like my previous reply (but to a greater degree), I keep wondering why I am meeting these interesting characters (or why now) and how they fit (or will fit) into the narrative. In a sentence, this chapter, it seems to me, is long on character development, but short on plot movement.

As I mentioned, I may be unaware of the process or your objectives. If so, please let me know. I hope this input is helpful and received in the spirit of collaborative editing of great work in which it is intended.

Blessings...

Curt (WRW)

 Comment Written 29-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 30-Jan-2023

You are right.
My problem here was a lot of characters in an effort to cover a wide variety of types, and a personal limit of around 1500 words per post. That doesn't allow for much plot movement.
Thank you for the review.

Comment from Pam Lonsdale

Excellent

You can get rid of the blue font by retyping it and deleting the original. I found that out after having an entire paragraph show up in blue for no reason.

More characters! I hope I can keep track of all of them. One thing I know is that this is not going to go well with all those guns around. Sort of like this weekend in California.

Thanks, Wayne. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Pam

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2023

Thank you.
My intent is to show that it could happen to/by just about anyone, anywhere.

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

Well, things are heating up and there are lots of different kids with the kinds of backgrounds that could lead to a school shooter. However, it's usually not the valedictorians that would resort to that because of wanting the top scholarship. Still all these have their own reasons for discontent with life.

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2023

Thank you.
I wanted to be all -inclusive (hah) (but not funny)
The point is that it could happen to people for a lot of reasons.
This kid is a narcissist.

Comment from Jessica Nohavicka

Good

I enjoyed reading this short story a lot. I felt as if it was well thought out and showed great attention to detail which a reader can really appreciate.

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2023

Thank you.
It was part 3 of 15.

Comment from Wendy G

Excellent

This is so "foreign" to me over here, where guns are extremely rare, and not readily accesible by the vast majority of the population. Let alone the thought that disappointed or unloved teenagers are going to massacre each other. It's excellent writing and it rings true for what I am constantly hearing about life in the US - but it's a crazy world you are describing here.
Wendy

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2023

It IS a crazy world over here. Just look at the news.
Thank you for the review.

Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)

Excellent

I enjoyed this very much, and your pot of muddled and conflicted teenagers is coming along nicely. However, the mononucleosis issue seemed slightly muddled - he had it then he didn't, she was going to get a higher grade than him anyway. I hope you could tighten that up a bit. kay

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2023

Okay.
Thank you for the very nice review.

Comment from Carol Hillebrenner

Excellent

You have some seriously messed up kids. Philip is probably the scariest as he sees nothing wrong with dreaming about killing Emily to be the valedictorian. Why is James a troubled kid? He might not take disappointment well, but he's hardly that screwed up.

 Comment Written 23-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 23-Jan-2023

He's the outlier that could be many of us. You'll see.
Thank you for the very nice review.