Dulcius Ex Asperis
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "DEA - Five"A sequel to my debut novel, Par Angusta Ad Augusta
2 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
You are such a gifted and polished writer, Teols. There are of course problems that occur for the reviewer when he/she enter's late into the novel. Even the best of previous chapter summaries can't prevent understanding errors. I encountered a few stumbling blocks as a result of that. Not your fault.
You pace yourself (and the reader) so well through this chapter. I didn't feel rushed for the plot to progress beyond the party. I learned so much about the characters, and came to identify with their problems while waiting for the pizza to come and the party to wind down. It was during the party that much of my misunderstanding of who was who occurred. I'm leaving my comments on that, though, for you to weigh through. You might find my confusion helpful in allowing you tweak certain areas. Or not. Your balance between narrative and dialogue was exquisite, which added to the pacing. You varied your sentence lengths and avoided the monotony of starting too many sentences the same way. So ... here you have my running thoughts, as I read. Discard what don't apply, and of course, query me as to any questions you might have on anything I said.
Now, now opportunities and challenges present themselves. [Now, NEW (?) opportunities ...]
Eric had helped Jefferson with the paperwork to become their guardian and later their adopted father. [I'm probably going to be the only one asking about this sentence. Once I figured out who the names were in it, and that Jefferson was one of the twins, with Eric being the ADOPTIVE parent (you wrote "adopted") ... the fact that Eric only had to help Jefferson left me wondering if the other, unnamed, twin didn't need help filling out the papers. That might be intentional on your part, and explained later. We'll see.]
To the kids, they were "Aunt Amy" and "Uncle Eric". [Well, that must have hurt, at least if it continued after the boys were legally adopted.]
But, Amy had known Jefferson as well as Eric for about two decades, [Well, I'm usually a fairly close reader, but something certainly has me confused. Apparently Jefferson isn't one of the twins. That's baffling.]
Monique wasn't sure why this was important. [This was a good touch to show Monique's state of mind.]
While eyeing Monique's wheelchair, [Wheelchair? Perhaps it's significant you didn't mention it earlier. OMG, tell me you didn't!]
"What's going on with you anyway?"" [You have an errant quote mark.]
I couldn't tell you what inicitive Adam Murphy ever took." [what INITIATIVE (?) ]
Below ththis banner headline, "COVID Disaster Loan". [just a stutturing finger.]
Again ... it was a pleasure reading your chapter. I won't hesitate diving into any future ones.
Jay
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2023
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You are such a gifted and polished writer, Teols. There are of course problems that occur for the reviewer when he/she enter's late into the novel. Even the best of previous chapter summaries can't prevent understanding errors. I encountered a few stumbling blocks as a result of that. Not your fault.
You pace yourself (and the reader) so well through this chapter. I didn't feel rushed for the plot to progress beyond the party. I learned so much about the characters, and came to identify with their problems while waiting for the pizza to come and the party to wind down. It was during the party that much of my misunderstanding of who was who occurred. I'm leaving my comments on that, though, for you to weigh through. You might find my confusion helpful in allowing you tweak certain areas. Or not. Your balance between narrative and dialogue was exquisite, which added to the pacing. You varied your sentence lengths and avoided the monotony of starting too many sentences the same way. So ... here you have my running thoughts, as I read. Discard what don't apply, and of course, query me as to any questions you might have on anything I said.
Now, now opportunities and challenges present themselves. [Now, NEW (?) opportunities ...]
Eric had helped Jefferson with the paperwork to become their guardian and later their adopted father. [I'm probably going to be the only one asking about this sentence. Once I figured out who the names were in it, and that Jefferson was one of the twins, with Eric being the ADOPTIVE parent (you wrote "adopted") ... the fact that Eric only had to help Jefferson left me wondering if the other, unnamed, twin didn't need help filling out the papers. That might be intentional on your part, and explained later. We'll see.]
To the kids, they were "Aunt Amy" and "Uncle Eric". [Well, that must have hurt, at least if it continued after the boys were legally adopted.]
But, Amy had known Jefferson as well as Eric for about two decades, [Well, I'm usually a fairly close reader, but something certainly has me confused. Apparently Jefferson isn't one of the twins. That's baffling.]
Monique wasn't sure why this was important. [This was a good touch to show Monique's state of mind.]
While eyeing Monique's wheelchair, [Wheelchair? Perhaps it's significant you didn't mention it earlier. OMG, tell me you didn't!]
"What's going on with you anyway?"" [You have an errant quote mark.]
I couldn't tell you what inicitive Adam Murphy ever took." [what INITIATIVE (?) ]
Below ththis banner headline, "COVID Disaster Loan". [just a stutturing finger.]
Again ... it was a pleasure reading your chapter. I won't hesitate diving into any future ones.
Jay
Comment Written 22-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2023
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Thank you for your feedback. I will take your points under advisement one at a time.
Comment from Shirley Rebstock
Interesting and well written. Descriptions of characters in story are clear and story lends itself to wanting to see where this scenario will take the reader.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
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Interesting and well written. Descriptions of characters in story are clear and story lends itself to wanting to see where this scenario will take the reader.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
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Thank you kindly.
