Pay Day
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Pay Day, pt 2"One fine spring day at school
8 total reviews
Comment from Write Right Writer
Wayne...
This introduction of TJ and Jimmy is well done, highlighting the questionable backgrounds and risk factors. You do a nice job of "setting the stage" for what is coming, creating a foreboding sense of angst and impending doom for your readers. Well done.
Blessings...
Curt (WRW)
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2023
  |
Wayne...
This introduction of TJ and Jimmy is well done, highlighting the questionable backgrounds and risk factors. You do a nice job of "setting the stage" for what is coming, creating a foreboding sense of angst and impending doom for your readers. Well done.
Blessings...
Curt (WRW)
Comment Written 26-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2023
-
Thank you. I hoped that it wasn't too dry.
-
Wayne...
I light of your reply, I read Part 2 again with an editor's eye. It is not too dry. Your character development is strong; complete with motivations for what we sense is inevitable. Good job. Well done.
My only suggestion for possible improvement would be a brief nod to provide context--as in, "why are you telling me this?" and/or, "how are these two connected?" or "what do they have in common?" Perhaps just a simple introductory opening sentence at the outset would suffice (e.g.Two other young men were not likely prospects for the Bible club. One was TJ Adams, a senior at..." and [later], "The other one was new to the school. In fact, Jimmy Orr was new to every school..."
Just a thought... Hope this is helpful. Take it, tweak it, or trash it as you see fit.
Curt (WRW)
Comment from lyenochka
I'm happy to report that I didn't see any "blue lettering."
You have very interesting characters and the potential for some fireworks coming up. The reasons why the characters may feel attracted would be understood because of their family backgrounds. Still, I wished for more "showing" instead of "telling" of these backgrounds. Maybe through conversations just like you "showed" the behavior of the father in the barbershop. The background on Jimmy was mostly telling, except when Bob was picking up Julie. Also, I think this was a bit long for a Fanstory chapter. But I see you're in a hurry to post and posting frequently costs lots of funny money.
Comments:
one of the Vice Principal's (vice principals) plural not possessive and I think you only capitalize it when it is a title
name their first born, (firstborn)
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
|
I'm happy to report that I didn't see any "blue lettering."
You have very interesting characters and the potential for some fireworks coming up. The reasons why the characters may feel attracted would be understood because of their family backgrounds. Still, I wished for more "showing" instead of "telling" of these backgrounds. Maybe through conversations just like you "showed" the behavior of the father in the barbershop. The background on Jimmy was mostly telling, except when Bob was picking up Julie. Also, I think this was a bit long for a Fanstory chapter. But I see you're in a hurry to post and posting frequently costs lots of funny money.
Comments:
one of the Vice Principal's (vice principals) plural not possessive and I think you only capitalize it when it is a title
name their first born, (firstborn)
Comment Written 21-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
-
Thank you for the edits.
And yes, I all too often get in a hurry.
Comment from Wendy G
Yes, you have developed the backgrounds and characters of these kids very well. I am not looking forward to seeing how and when their lives intersect with the Bible Club kids. Yet I am looking forward to more.
Wendy
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
|
Yes, you have developed the backgrounds and characters of these kids very well. I am not looking forward to seeing how and when their lives intersect with the Bible Club kids. Yet I am looking forward to more.
Wendy
Comment Written 20-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
-
Thank you. I hurried through their introductions, though.
Comment from JT traveller
Clearly the rodeo was Bob's first love rather than Mom's bed 'n beer on the weekends. Such a vivid, complex tale. So well written and conveying so much information. Your writing really drew me in, especially the last chapter and the final sentence.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
|
Clearly the rodeo was Bob's first love rather than Mom's bed 'n beer on the weekends. Such a vivid, complex tale. So well written and conveying so much information. Your writing really drew me in, especially the last chapter and the final sentence.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
-
Thank you for your great review.
There are several more parts to this story.
-
I bet there are. You have a special talent.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is an interesting chapter, and I am hoping atrocity doesn't come into the story, but those things happen. You first chapter was a good buildup to this chapter. Looking forward to the next.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
|
This is an interesting chapter, and I am hoping atrocity doesn't come into the story, but those things happen. You first chapter was a good buildup to this chapter. Looking forward to the next.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
-
Thank you for your great review.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I missed the first one, but you're still introducing characters so I should be able to jump on the train.
Of course, one sees only dysfunction and trouble ahead for some of these kids.
Good start, Wayne.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
|
I missed the first one, but you're still introducing characters so I should be able to jump on the train.
Of course, one sees only dysfunction and trouble ahead for some of these kids.
Good start, Wayne.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
-
Thank you.
Three more troubled kids. All unrelated. All looking at May 15.
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Oh my. How I can feel the catastrophe percolating!
The one suggestion I would make is that, because you're providing so much background here and 'setting the stage' for the horror that is coming our way, the reading became a little 'dry.' You'd engage me more if you included dialogue. What EXACTLY did TJ's father say when he made him get a buzz cut? What words did this kid hear that led to his using a mental image of his father as the target for shooting practice? I'll understand what motivates TJ more if you make me that same level of angry with his father. (Also, in the paragraph that begins, "As good a shot as TJ was..." there is a misplaced subject. You're trying to convey that TJ's hair is unlike his dad's. But you began the sentence about that as follows: "Dark brown and coarse, George..." so that reflects that it's GEORGE, not his hair, who is dark brown and course.) Also, I'd love to hear the dialogue between JeanAnne and Rodeo Bob. What were his wooing techniques that she found so irresistible? That will give me more insight into her rather than just her teenage son's assessment.
The story's bone structure here is good, Wayne, but get us inside these people's personalities more. Show us, with the words they use with each other, what lies below their surfaces.
I'm looking forward to what's coming next.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
|
Oh my. How I can feel the catastrophe percolating!
The one suggestion I would make is that, because you're providing so much background here and 'setting the stage' for the horror that is coming our way, the reading became a little 'dry.' You'd engage me more if you included dialogue. What EXACTLY did TJ's father say when he made him get a buzz cut? What words did this kid hear that led to his using a mental image of his father as the target for shooting practice? I'll understand what motivates TJ more if you make me that same level of angry with his father. (Also, in the paragraph that begins, "As good a shot as TJ was..." there is a misplaced subject. You're trying to convey that TJ's hair is unlike his dad's. But you began the sentence about that as follows: "Dark brown and coarse, George..." so that reflects that it's GEORGE, not his hair, who is dark brown and course.) Also, I'd love to hear the dialogue between JeanAnne and Rodeo Bob. What were his wooing techniques that she found so irresistible? That will give me more insight into her rather than just her teenage son's assessment.
The story's bone structure here is good, Wayne, but get us inside these people's personalities more. Show us, with the words they use with each other, what lies below their surfaces.
I'm looking forward to what's coming next.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
-
Ugh.
You are absolutely, 100% right.
I 'ughed' because what you asked sounds like a ton of gut-wrenching work. But again, that would really improve the reading experience.
I have three more 'troubled' kids coming. My goal is to show that we could all, but for the grace of God, be one of them.
-
Exactly!! But for that, summaries don't work. We have to experience it as it's happening to them. If, while you're writing it, you cry, then I will, too, when I read it, and I will have so much more compassion and understanding.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
Lack of plot or movement is absolutely not a problem. The character development is breathtaking. If there had just been a hint of a link between two characters (and yes I know that would require a trace of plot, or something) I would have gleefully parted with a six. As it is I am holding it in reserve for part 3, but this really was great. kay
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
|
Lack of plot or movement is absolutely not a problem. The character development is breathtaking. If there had just been a hint of a link between two characters (and yes I know that would require a trace of plot, or something) I would have gleefully parted with a six. As it is I am holding it in reserve for part 3, but this really was great. kay
Comment Written 20-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
-
Thank you very much.
There are three more 'troubled kids' coming. A tie between all of them would seem contrived. (I think) I wanted to show a variety of conditions/situations that might contribute to school shooters.
