Shadows of the Past
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Chapter 2"Traumatized by her past, Annie seeks an escape.
18 total reviews
Comment from Douglas Goff
Nice work here. I enjoyed the storyline. It shows great potential and the dialogue is realistic.
One catch:
"Hey," I reach over and cover one of his fists. "I'm right here. You saved me."
(I think period after Hey as there is no speech tag in the following sentence. Just my two sense)
The rest is grammatically sound. Well done!
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2023
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Nice work here. I enjoyed the storyline. It shows great potential and the dialogue is realistic.
One catch:
"Hey," I reach over and cover one of his fists. "I'm right here. You saved me."
(I think period after Hey as there is no speech tag in the following sentence. Just my two sense)
The rest is grammatically sound. Well done!
Comment Written 13-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2023
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. Yes, there should be a period there! Thank you so much for catching that. :D Take care. :D
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One team one fight, my friend. I especially enjoy helping the really good writers!
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I really appreciate that! I look at my writing over and over, but that just means it's so easy to miss grammar issues because my brain might put it in there. Glad to be on the same team as you. :D
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It?s funny really. I can catch edits all day long in other peoples work, but never see them in my own. I do believe that I am a much better reader than I am a writer, although I enjoy both. Keep up the good work.
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I know that feeling. When I was part of our high school yearbook committee, we'd spend days working on the various page spreads; then when it was published, at our end of the year party, we'd always look for those errors. Thank you. I will. I have some more that I'm working on over the weekend, and I hope to post them soon.
Comment from amahra
This was a fine, and entertaining second-chapter installment.
I liked the descriptive writing of the sassy brunette scene and the shattering of the Martini glasses.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2023
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This was a fine, and entertaining second-chapter installment.
I liked the descriptive writing of the sassy brunette scene and the shattering of the Martini glasses.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. Yes, I loved writing that scene too. Take care. :D
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I have never read any of your work before. It is my problem. I am going to rectify that and become a fan. This story is wonderful, and I am already pulling for
Annie and Gabriel.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2023
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I have never read any of your work before. It is my problem. I am going to rectify that and become a fan. This story is wonderful, and I am already pulling for
Annie and Gabriel.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2023
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Awwww thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm thrilled you enjoyed this story so much. I do have one other story, Nightfall, on this site, and I'm working on adding another and the third chapter of this book. Hope you enjoy those, too. Thank you again for your feedback. Take care. :D
Comment from Tpa
A very compelling drama. The descriptions were vivid. Enjoy the depiction thoughts. The words you wrote, describing their feelings, trust, and anger. Excellent chapter, looking forward to the next installment.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2023
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A very compelling drama. The descriptions were vivid. Enjoy the depiction thoughts. The words you wrote, describing their feelings, trust, and anger. Excellent chapter, looking forward to the next installment.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2023
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, Tpa. I appreciate your feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Take care. :D
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
Gabrial was a vampire for how many years? Since he was a boy and left those several nights when he later came home beaten? Annie always wondered where his scars came from. I figured he did the vampire years when he was young.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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Gabrial was a vampire for how many years? Since he was a boy and left those several nights when he later came home beaten? Annie always wondered where his scars came from. I figured he did the vampire years when he was young.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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Actually, Gabriel is a were-jaguar. The character that help Annie for so long was a vampire. I'm so sorry that this part was confusing.
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thank you for explaining.
Comment from Ricky1024
This well written and I enjoyed this chapter with your main character Annie.
It also, read well and flowed well with No Grammar Issues.
...
Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned most Perfectly.
Thanks for sharing this and have a Blessed day.
Doctor Ricky
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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This well written and I enjoyed this chapter with your main character Annie.
It also, read well and flowed well with No Grammar Issues.
...
Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned most Perfectly.
Thanks for sharing this and have a Blessed day.
Doctor Ricky
Comment Written 10-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Dr. Ricky! I appreciate it, and I'm thrilled you enjoyed the story. Take care. :D
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
Except for a few minor things listed below, I found this interesting and well-written. I don't usually read this genre, but this story was riveting enough to keep me going to the end.
"Do were-jaguars possess that magical trait?" ***What on earth is a 'were-jaguar'? Do you explain it in Chapter One and how does this narrator know Gabriel is one?
"Spinning around, Gabriel gapes at the shattered pieces of a few martini glasses littering the ground and then drops to his knees to help pick them up. I wince, but neither looks injured as they finish cleaning the mess. While the second bartender throws away the broken shard bag," ***This is a bit confusing because it lacks detail. I think I understand that some glasses fell off something in proximity to Gabriel, butt I think this would be clearer if you described what actually happened. The other bar tender knocked the glasses to the floor because he was looking elsewhere while wiping down the bar or something like that. If the action is important enough to include in the story, it's important enough to describe, don't you think?
"The next few hours pass in a haze of watching the bar, Il Fornaio di Cittá, grow more crowded with its usual lunch rush." ***Possible typo or accidental omission of the s on grow.
"Yet, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Gabriel and his father." ***A good lure to read on.
"The door slammed open." ***A creative way to use the word slammed, it got my attention, but it doesn't seem to fit here, would crash or banged open be better?
"Slow and hesitant steps descend the steps." This is awkward. Would steps descent the staircase be better?
"Younger Partner..." ***unless partner is a proper name doesn't need to be capitalized.
"Seconds give way to longer minutes,..." ***you could leave out the longer. Seconds are always shorter than minutes and they always give way to minutes.
"...my eyes closing at the sun's caressing warmth..." Interesting transition from the darkness of the memory of the past to the sunlight of the present.
"...boyish 5 o'clock shadow." Doesn't ring true, boys don't have 5 o'clock shadow usually.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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Except for a few minor things listed below, I found this interesting and well-written. I don't usually read this genre, but this story was riveting enough to keep me going to the end.
"Do were-jaguars possess that magical trait?" ***What on earth is a 'were-jaguar'? Do you explain it in Chapter One and how does this narrator know Gabriel is one?
"Spinning around, Gabriel gapes at the shattered pieces of a few martini glasses littering the ground and then drops to his knees to help pick them up. I wince, but neither looks injured as they finish cleaning the mess. While the second bartender throws away the broken shard bag," ***This is a bit confusing because it lacks detail. I think I understand that some glasses fell off something in proximity to Gabriel, butt I think this would be clearer if you described what actually happened. The other bar tender knocked the glasses to the floor because he was looking elsewhere while wiping down the bar or something like that. If the action is important enough to include in the story, it's important enough to describe, don't you think?
"The next few hours pass in a haze of watching the bar, Il Fornaio di Cittá, grow more crowded with its usual lunch rush." ***Possible typo or accidental omission of the s on grow.
"Yet, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Gabriel and his father." ***A good lure to read on.
"The door slammed open." ***A creative way to use the word slammed, it got my attention, but it doesn't seem to fit here, would crash or banged open be better?
"Slow and hesitant steps descend the steps." This is awkward. Would steps descent the staircase be better?
"Younger Partner..." ***unless partner is a proper name doesn't need to be capitalized.
"Seconds give way to longer minutes,..." ***you could leave out the longer. Seconds are always shorter than minutes and they always give way to minutes.
"...my eyes closing at the sun's caressing warmth..." Interesting transition from the darkness of the memory of the past to the sunlight of the present.
"...boyish 5 o'clock shadow." Doesn't ring true, boys don't have 5 o'clock shadow usually.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it.
Comment from royowen
I can remember the Italian expression from my youth, an Italian friend, translated it a little more colourfully than that.
A lot going in here, the terrible internment of Annie, the eventual rescue, and the greatly descriptive rescues by Gabriel, and the awakening sensations of Annie, unfamiliar at first, but one can tell they will be received more receptively, well dine, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Typo : Towards (to) rapidly filling area. The?
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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I can remember the Italian expression from my youth, an Italian friend, translated it a little more colourfully than that.
A lot going in here, the terrible internment of Annie, the eventual rescue, and the greatly descriptive rescues by Gabriel, and the awakening sensations of Annie, unfamiliar at first, but one can tell they will be received more receptively, well dine, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Typo : Towards (to) rapidly filling area. The?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Roy. Yes, this was one of the tamer translations I got for this phrase and this chapter...oof. A lot was happening. I'm looking forward to the next chapter, where we'll meet Dr. Kelsey and see how she can help Annie. Thank you again for your feedback. It's much appreciated. Take care. :D
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Most welcome
