Shadows of the Past
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Chapter 2"Traumatized by her past, Annie seeks an escape.
18 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I get that you feel very emotionally charged by this instalment. You're obviously very connected to the character, so some parts of my review may sting a little. Please be aware that anything I mention in the interests of story, mechanics and the writing.
i made quite a few notes as i read through-
A/N: So, here's the second chapter, and I have to say, I'm beyond proud of how it turned out...though my heart broke multiple times as Annie revealed her backstory. Please let me know what you thought.- maybe resent this in a different way to the narrative of the story to avoid confusion, or just put it in the author notes.
I slap away my tears and flash him a cheery smile.- maybe use pat or wipe rather than slap. Slap has a much more aggressive connotation than what I assume you're going for. It would also draw a lot of attention.
"Did she tell you to do that?" He glares at my journal, his tone brittle with unrestrained anger.- this does feel restrained. unrestrained would have been ranting or shouting, surely.
Shadows emanating from a nearby fire quiver - the fire is the light source and as such the shadows don't really emanate from it but rather are caused by it.
passes between us, and when I look up, our gazes lock, an intensity I've never experienced stretching between us. - be careful or repeating phrases so close together 'between us'.
During the section where the girl flirts with Gabriel, I was wondering how close the Annie is to what occurs as she seems able to see every minute detail.
Slow and hesitant steps descend the steps- this is clunky steps & steps, maybe change one.
Abruptly, light blinds me; flinching away, I throw up my hand and, through my fingers, I glimpse the silhouette of a man.- the mechanics of the cene here don't work. If they're holding s flashlight, it means they are behind the light source. the light source would have to be behind them for them to be silhouetted.
For a moment, neither of us says anything, and then his expression morphs into stunned horror and disbelief.- she couldn't have seen this. if he was silhouetted, that means all that can be seen is a black mass / shape. The features can't be made out. Also, if this isn't the case, the fact that he was holding the light source and she's blinded means she wouldn't be able to make out his facial features.
"Figlio di puttana!" He yells. "You're 16?" - he should be lower case.
A soft "cazzo" fills the air before the second silhouette kneels beside my cage.- again wit the silhouette. this all needs worked out properly.
How can she make out all of this incidental detailing, nailfile etc when they're silhouette's. It's just not possible.
Take his hand, Bella, a voice--my brother's--voice whispers.- this is the first time she's refered to as Bella. i personaly wouldn't use it. My first thought was 'was this written as twilight fanfiction originally and it's a slip'.
and boyish 5 o'clock shadow. - 5 o'clock shadow isn't boyish. It's when you've shaved in the morning and by late afternoon you need to shave again. it's normally associated with hairy men and older folk.
The biggest thing which struck me, however, was the reliance of having Annie look at things. She doesn't need to look at everything in order to relay the information to the reader. this can be inferred in many places.
You also have a tendency to rely on the same phrasing or words. i pulled these out to demonstrate -
USE OF GAZE:
Gabriel's focused gaze lingers, / when I look up, our gazes lock, / standing and his gaze finding mine, / their gazes riveted on Gabriel / ignoring the heated gaze / Gaze dropping, I reach for my napkin, anything to avoid the intensity of his gaze- [2 in 1 sentence here!] / I keep my gaze locked on my food / catching as my gaze locks with a silver-blue one. / bleeding into his already darkening gaze / I'd been lucky, Gabriel's gaze darkened, / My gaze drops, and I push some / His gaze darkens, and his fists clench. / Startled, my gaze snaps to his, another bout of intensity passing between us as he gazes at me [2 in the 1 sentence again here]
USE OF GLANCE
I frown and glance down at my lap. / Huffing, Gabriel glances at me / Gabriel glances up and offers a charming / Gabriel glances toward me and smirks. / Younger Partner glances toward me / fingers and then glance up / I glance back at Gabriel. / asts frequent glances around the darkness, / to years of experience, Gabriel glances at me. / Licking my lips, I glanced up at Gabriel / Slowly, I glanced back and stared, / I cast a quick glance over my shoulder,
There are also many other references to eyes and looks. It's too much. I think you could go through this again and write around or omit a lot of them. it would serve the writing better in the long run.
All that being said, there is a high emotional quotient present and the point of view is deep-held but this needs to be tempered with scene mechanics as I pointed out earlier about that she could actually see and experience.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2023
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Hi there,
I get that you feel very emotionally charged by this instalment. You're obviously very connected to the character, so some parts of my review may sting a little. Please be aware that anything I mention in the interests of story, mechanics and the writing.
i made quite a few notes as i read through-
A/N: So, here's the second chapter, and I have to say, I'm beyond proud of how it turned out...though my heart broke multiple times as Annie revealed her backstory. Please let me know what you thought.- maybe resent this in a different way to the narrative of the story to avoid confusion, or just put it in the author notes.
I slap away my tears and flash him a cheery smile.- maybe use pat or wipe rather than slap. Slap has a much more aggressive connotation than what I assume you're going for. It would also draw a lot of attention.
"Did she tell you to do that?" He glares at my journal, his tone brittle with unrestrained anger.- this does feel restrained. unrestrained would have been ranting or shouting, surely.
Shadows emanating from a nearby fire quiver - the fire is the light source and as such the shadows don't really emanate from it but rather are caused by it.
passes between us, and when I look up, our gazes lock, an intensity I've never experienced stretching between us. - be careful or repeating phrases so close together 'between us'.
During the section where the girl flirts with Gabriel, I was wondering how close the Annie is to what occurs as she seems able to see every minute detail.
Slow and hesitant steps descend the steps- this is clunky steps & steps, maybe change one.
Abruptly, light blinds me; flinching away, I throw up my hand and, through my fingers, I glimpse the silhouette of a man.- the mechanics of the cene here don't work. If they're holding s flashlight, it means they are behind the light source. the light source would have to be behind them for them to be silhouetted.
For a moment, neither of us says anything, and then his expression morphs into stunned horror and disbelief.- she couldn't have seen this. if he was silhouetted, that means all that can be seen is a black mass / shape. The features can't be made out. Also, if this isn't the case, the fact that he was holding the light source and she's blinded means she wouldn't be able to make out his facial features.
"Figlio di puttana!" He yells. "You're 16?" - he should be lower case.
A soft "cazzo" fills the air before the second silhouette kneels beside my cage.- again wit the silhouette. this all needs worked out properly.
How can she make out all of this incidental detailing, nailfile etc when they're silhouette's. It's just not possible.
Take his hand, Bella, a voice--my brother's--voice whispers.- this is the first time she's refered to as Bella. i personaly wouldn't use it. My first thought was 'was this written as twilight fanfiction originally and it's a slip'.
and boyish 5 o'clock shadow. - 5 o'clock shadow isn't boyish. It's when you've shaved in the morning and by late afternoon you need to shave again. it's normally associated with hairy men and older folk.
The biggest thing which struck me, however, was the reliance of having Annie look at things. She doesn't need to look at everything in order to relay the information to the reader. this can be inferred in many places.
You also have a tendency to rely on the same phrasing or words. i pulled these out to demonstrate -
USE OF GAZE:
Gabriel's focused gaze lingers, / when I look up, our gazes lock, / standing and his gaze finding mine, / their gazes riveted on Gabriel / ignoring the heated gaze / Gaze dropping, I reach for my napkin, anything to avoid the intensity of his gaze- [2 in 1 sentence here!] / I keep my gaze locked on my food / catching as my gaze locks with a silver-blue one. / bleeding into his already darkening gaze / I'd been lucky, Gabriel's gaze darkened, / My gaze drops, and I push some / His gaze darkens, and his fists clench. / Startled, my gaze snaps to his, another bout of intensity passing between us as he gazes at me [2 in the 1 sentence again here]
USE OF GLANCE
I frown and glance down at my lap. / Huffing, Gabriel glances at me / Gabriel glances up and offers a charming / Gabriel glances toward me and smirks. / Younger Partner glances toward me / fingers and then glance up / I glance back at Gabriel. / asts frequent glances around the darkness, / to years of experience, Gabriel glances at me. / Licking my lips, I glanced up at Gabriel / Slowly, I glanced back and stared, / I cast a quick glance over my shoulder,
There are also many other references to eyes and looks. It's too much. I think you could go through this again and write around or omit a lot of them. it would serve the writing better in the long run.
All that being said, there is a high emotional quotient present and the point of view is deep-held but this needs to be tempered with scene mechanics as I pointed out earlier about that she could actually see and experience.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2023
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Hi there, GMG. I want to apologize for my lack of response. For several months, I've dealt with sicknesses (my own and my roommates) and countless activities at the school where I teach. Today was the first time in a long while I could log onto this site for more than a few seconds. Again, I'm so sorry.
Thank you so much for your review and comments. I do appreciate them. I've decided to revamp Chasing Shadows. It's not going the way I wanted, specifically Gabriel's character. Once I've had time to rewrite and tweak the plot, I'll repost it, and I would love your feedback. The basis of the story will stay the same, but I've decided not to tell it as a flashback. Thank you again for your comments. I appreciate them. Take care! :D :D
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I read this on my phone whilst in hospital, but couldn't write a review, my hands were too shaky. I'm glad Gabriel killed the vampire, that was a really well written scene. Now we want Anne to be able to love Gabriel forever, as they both want. But would that mean she must become a were-jaguar, too? Excellent chapter. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2023
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I read this on my phone whilst in hospital, but couldn't write a review, my hands were too shaky. I'm glad Gabriel killed the vampire, that was a really well written scene. Now we want Anne to be able to love Gabriel forever, as they both want. But would that mean she must become a were-jaguar, too? Excellent chapter. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 25-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. Yes, now Annie and Gabriel's story will begin. There will be some more adjustments, but all couples go through growth--and they will have lots of growing to do. Oh! That's a great detail, and I'll go into that in one of the coming chapters. I hope you're doing well and recovering. Thank you again for reading. Take care. :D :D
Comment from dmt1967
This is a great chapter and I loved reading it a lot. I enjoyed learning about Annie and it broke my heart as well. I think it was very well written. Thank you for sharing and have a great day.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2023
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This is a great chapter and I loved reading it a lot. I enjoyed learning about Annie and it broke my heart as well. I think it was very well written. Thank you for sharing and have a great day.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. Yes, seeing everything she's gone through broke my heart, but she's a survivor, too. That's going to come up in one of the future chapters. Thank you again for reading. Take care. :D :D
Comment from susand3022
Hi A.Myer,
I was just telling Mia (Twysted) about this, came back to check for a title, and saw a second chapter. Told you I'd be back!
I do have one suggestion so far as your posting is concerned... you may want to break up your posts into smaller sections. People don't like to spend long periods of time on one thing necessarily. You won't lose everyone, but you'll gain more readers if you post closer to your first chapter length. We've had people do them as Chapter 1 part 1, part 2, part 3... etc.
Just something to keep in mind going forward.
Loving the story, this chapter brought a lot into the light from the first chapter.
When he found her, I just about crapped my pants!
Susan :)
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2023
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Hi A.Myer,
I was just telling Mia (Twysted) about this, came back to check for a title, and saw a second chapter. Told you I'd be back!
I do have one suggestion so far as your posting is concerned... you may want to break up your posts into smaller sections. People don't like to spend long periods of time on one thing necessarily. You won't lose everyone, but you'll gain more readers if you post closer to your first chapter length. We've had people do them as Chapter 1 part 1, part 2, part 3... etc.
Just something to keep in mind going forward.
Loving the story, this chapter brought a lot into the light from the first chapter.
When he found her, I just about crapped my pants!
Susan :)
Comment Written 24-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Susan. I'm thrilled you're enjoying this story even more! This chapter was challenging and revealed much, even for me as the writer, as Annie shared her past. She needs a happily-ever-after, and she'll get one. She's still sharing how chapter 3 will go, but I like your suggestion about posting in shorter increments. That's a great point. Thank you again for reading. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Rebecca Roberts1
Your conversations were smooth and realistic. They helped move the storyline well. I was confused a little whenever there were flashbacks. I had to retract and try to figure out what was going on. It took me a bit to realize you were writing about shapeshifters.
Nice job.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2023
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Your conversations were smooth and realistic. They helped move the storyline well. I was confused a little whenever there were flashbacks. I had to retract and try to figure out what was going on. It took me a bit to realize you were writing about shapeshifters.
Nice job.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. Thank you for pointing that out, Rebecca. I'll see if I can add a clarifying detail earlier. I'm glad you enjoyed it so much. I loved writing it, too. Thank you for reading again. Take care. :D :D
Comment from humpwhistle
Please don't take this personally, but I find this chapter wildly overwrought. Your language is too intense, the sentimentality is way over the top. I get the feeling that your writing wants to emulate some favorite author. It doesn't feel genuine to me. I know these are harsh words, maybe even brutal. But I'm being as sincere as I can be. I know you're proud of this piece, and I hate to rain on your parade, but please, consider toning the drama down a couple of notches.
I'm trying to be helpful. Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2023
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Please don't take this personally, but I find this chapter wildly overwrought. Your language is too intense, the sentimentality is way over the top. I get the feeling that your writing wants to emulate some favorite author. It doesn't feel genuine to me. I know these are harsh words, maybe even brutal. But I'm being as sincere as I can be. I know you're proud of this piece, and I hate to rain on your parade, but please, consider toning the drama down a couple of notches.
I'm trying to be helpful. Peace, Lee
Comment Written 23-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Lee. I appreciate it and your feedback. I will keep that in mind. These were the most intense chapters. The next and last three focus more on Annie's recovery and her relationship with Gabriel. Take care. :D :D
Comment from prettybluebirds
This chapter is a tear-jerker. I could feel the emotion behind every word and between the sentences. Your writing is concise and believable. I enjoyed this chapter very much.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2023
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This chapter is a tear-jerker. I could feel the emotion behind every word and between the sentences. Your writing is concise and believable. I enjoyed this chapter very much.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it; it was hard for me to write, but Annie's background needed to be told. She'll get her happily ever after, though. Thank you again for reading. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Wayne Fowler
I realize that you are rewarding reviewers very well, but still, nearly 3800 words is a lot for FanStory people. Many of us cut long chapters into parts. I try for 1000-2000 words, depending on natural breaks. Cutting the reward in two wouldn't be the end of the world, either. (smiley face here)
You write error-free (spelling, grammar, and punctuation). Good work.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2023
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I realize that you are rewarding reviewers very well, but still, nearly 3800 words is a lot for FanStory people. Many of us cut long chapters into parts. I try for 1000-2000 words, depending on natural breaks. Cutting the reward in two wouldn't be the end of the world, either. (smiley face here)
You write error-free (spelling, grammar, and punctuation). Good work.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2023
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Thank you, Wayne. I'm thrilled you liked the story. It's not my usual flare, but this plot bunny refused to leave me alone. Grammarly has been my best friend in this area. Also, I didn't set out to write *that* much. I just went until the chapter seemed finished. Not too sure how the next chapter will fare, but I'm aiming for five chapters in this story. Thank you again for reviewing. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This was a satisfyingly complex story, set in an interesting world. I have two points for its potential improvement. A minor point was that I felt you over-used the term 'were-jaguar' - we fgot the message... more importantly, the story line zigged-zagged a bit much for me. This made it harder than necessary to follow what had happened. kay
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2023
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This was a satisfyingly complex story, set in an interesting world. I have two points for its potential improvement. A minor point was that I felt you over-used the term 'were-jaguar' - we fgot the message... more importantly, the story line zigged-zagged a bit much for me. This made it harder than necessary to follow what had happened. kay
Comment Written 22-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Kay. I appreciate it and your feedback. Thank you for your suggestions. I appreciate them. Could you give me an example of how the story zig-zagged and made it hard for you to follow? I want to understand your perspective. Thank you again for reading. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Sarah Das Gupta
Strong descriptions of characters and motives. The relationship between Gabriel and Annie is developing. The dialogue is generally well related to the action.I feel you have a tendency to put in too much action at a time which can sometimes be confusing for the reader.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2023
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Strong descriptions of characters and motives. The relationship between Gabriel and Annie is developing. The dialogue is generally well related to the action.I feel you have a tendency to put in too much action at a time which can sometimes be confusing for the reader.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Sarah. I appreciate it and your feedback. I'm glad you're enjoying it. Could you give me an example of where I do this? Thank you again for reading. Take care. :D :D
