Lost At Sea
One man's journey.30 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is very good story. The writing is well done and easy to read. The story is much like a pirate story except for his concern about the pirates' teeth. The next clue that all is not normal is the name of the British warship. Also, Whirlpool seemed like a strange name for a pirate ship. Then suddenly he is in a straitjacket in a characterless room with a man asking him if he would be ok if they took off the straitjacket. Good foreshadowing and no errors in writing.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2023
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This is very good story. The writing is well done and easy to read. The story is much like a pirate story except for his concern about the pirates' teeth. The next clue that all is not normal is the name of the British warship. Also, Whirlpool seemed like a strange name for a pirate ship. Then suddenly he is in a straitjacket in a characterless room with a man asking him if he would be ok if they took off the straitjacket. Good foreshadowing and no errors in writing.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2023
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Thanks, Carol. I appreciate you and your kind words!
Comment from amahra
This was very well-written and entertaining. I liked the story. And can tell you did a lot of research concerning various ships. Great job!
Ladron [who] would steal [from anyone,] including coffee and colognes [,] from a smaller pirate vessel such as the Whirlpool. [delete who] Also, would steal [anything] makes more sense than [steals from anyone]
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2023
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This was very well-written and entertaining. I liked the story. And can tell you did a lot of research concerning various ships. Great job!
Ladron [who] would steal [from anyone,] including coffee and colognes [,] from a smaller pirate vessel such as the Whirlpool. [delete who] Also, would steal [anything] makes more sense than [steals from anyone]
Comment Written 13-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2023
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Yes, that is a good correction. I shall change it! Thank you!
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Thank you!
Comment from Mary Shifman
This is really good! Alas, I don't have a six left for you but you deserve it. I was hooked throughout this story and shocked when I realized the truth. I guess if you're institutionalized for murder, living out high adventure in one's head is not so bad. Well done.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2023
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This is really good! Alas, I don't have a six left for you but you deserve it. I was hooked throughout this story and shocked when I realized the truth. I guess if you're institutionalized for murder, living out high adventure in one's head is not so bad. Well done.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2023
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No worries, Mary. Your kind words mean more to me than a six. I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
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You are welcome.
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
You really had me going on this one. I'll have to change some notes. You nailed it! "completely lost and alone in the sea of his delusional mind."--Perfect! You transitioned this very well, while laying out the carefully hidden clues along the way (Whirlpool, dental implants, coffee, colognes, etc.). This will be a contender.
Sue
The sleek ship was a hundred and fifty ton eighty-foot-long brigantine. -- I'd hyphenate the tonnage statement too and use digits. (Like 16-pound ==> 150-ton, 80-foot OR 80-feet-long) Don't change these before reading all notes. "Style" issues.
More importantly, the Whirlpool had twice the storage space of the sloop, -- Perhaps the most common error found. ==> important --adjective describing the next clause (not an adverb)
One was hauling colognes, while the second had a hold full of coffee. Not the type of treasure that the glory hunting pirates were seeking, although it would bring a decent price on the black market. -- Second sentence is not complete. Remedy by adding "It was" before not, OR use an em dash between: coffee--not
the furthest north island in the chain. -- always use farther for distance. But better as northernmost
She's a sneaky liar! Captain Juan had immediately thought. ****** (And even better after finishing the story.)
and had his reloaded starboard side cannon fire, -- better as: and fired his reloaded starboard cannon, (side seems redundant)
that rattle the teeth of everyone on the Whirlpool. ==> rattled
One bore a golden tooth in the front, ==> gold (twice)(element, not color, like a palomino)
The second pirate had several missing teeth, the black holes screaming for dental implants. -- I like this, but it is a little anachronistic. Or did they "peg" teeth back then? (Now I get it!) Just fine as is.
Meanwhile, the rest of the boarding party was dispatching of a few remaining resisters -- delete "of"
HMS PPD was an eighty-gun, ==> 80-gun (see below before deciding)
shallows between the two northern most islands. ==> northernmost
A couple of final large bubbles signaling her demise. -- not a sentence ==> signaled
The Whirlpool approached the hundred-yard gap ==> hundred-yard (I like them spelled out, but the general rule is 10 and above with digits; other "hip" sources say spell out one to a hundred. Sigh, shrug. Do whatever feels right for you.)
A second later grinding noises could be heard when the hull of the Whirlpool began rubbing along the rocky bottom, then she was clear and they shot through the gap, racing hard north with a strong tailwind aiding them in their flight. They had done it! ******
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2023
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Douglas,
You really had me going on this one. I'll have to change some notes. You nailed it! "completely lost and alone in the sea of his delusional mind."--Perfect! You transitioned this very well, while laying out the carefully hidden clues along the way (Whirlpool, dental implants, coffee, colognes, etc.). This will be a contender.
Sue
The sleek ship was a hundred and fifty ton eighty-foot-long brigantine. -- I'd hyphenate the tonnage statement too and use digits. (Like 16-pound ==> 150-ton, 80-foot OR 80-feet-long) Don't change these before reading all notes. "Style" issues.
More importantly, the Whirlpool had twice the storage space of the sloop, -- Perhaps the most common error found. ==> important --adjective describing the next clause (not an adverb)
One was hauling colognes, while the second had a hold full of coffee. Not the type of treasure that the glory hunting pirates were seeking, although it would bring a decent price on the black market. -- Second sentence is not complete. Remedy by adding "It was" before not, OR use an em dash between: coffee--not
the furthest north island in the chain. -- always use farther for distance. But better as northernmost
She's a sneaky liar! Captain Juan had immediately thought. ****** (And even better after finishing the story.)
and had his reloaded starboard side cannon fire, -- better as: and fired his reloaded starboard cannon, (side seems redundant)
that rattle the teeth of everyone on the Whirlpool. ==> rattled
One bore a golden tooth in the front, ==> gold (twice)(element, not color, like a palomino)
The second pirate had several missing teeth, the black holes screaming for dental implants. -- I like this, but it is a little anachronistic. Or did they "peg" teeth back then? (Now I get it!) Just fine as is.
Meanwhile, the rest of the boarding party was dispatching of a few remaining resisters -- delete "of"
HMS PPD was an eighty-gun, ==> 80-gun (see below before deciding)
shallows between the two northern most islands. ==> northernmost
A couple of final large bubbles signaling her demise. -- not a sentence ==> signaled
The Whirlpool approached the hundred-yard gap ==> hundred-yard (I like them spelled out, but the general rule is 10 and above with digits; other "hip" sources say spell out one to a hundred. Sigh, shrug. Do whatever feels right for you.)
A second later grinding noises could be heard when the hull of the Whirlpool began rubbing along the rocky bottom, then she was clear and they shot through the gap, racing hard north with a strong tailwind aiding them in their flight. They had done it! ******
Comment Written 11-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2023
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Thank you my friend. You are such a blessing to me!
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Most welcome. This is a very novel approach to the prompt.
Comment from John Ciarmello
This is sensational, Douglas! I must admit I was pulled out of the story a few times with your interjection of the rotten teeth thoughts that passed oddly through the prose. With that said, it kept me reading to the end. I wish I had a six for this. Entertaining, suspenseful, and delightfully odd. I loved it! Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2023
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This is sensational, Douglas! I must admit I was pulled out of the story a few times with your interjection of the rotten teeth thoughts that passed oddly through the prose. With that said, it kept me reading to the end. I wish I had a six for this. Entertaining, suspenseful, and delightfully odd. I loved it! Best, JohnC
Comment Written 11-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2023
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Thanks John! I think it?s a home run. The teeth made sense in the end. Glad you enjoyed it, my friend!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this post with us. It's filled with action. You do a great job describing the action.
the Whirlpool had twice the storage space of the sloop, meaning that she could haul twice the booty. & You told me in our last session that Paco was drinking your coffee and wearing your cologne and admitted that it enraged you. Don't you remember any of this?" & He looked down at his hands, realizing that one of them was squeezed tightly shut, & He knew that he'd just been on the high seas. (You can omit the 'that'. It's an extra word.)
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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Thank you for sharing this post with us. It's filled with action. You do a great job describing the action.
the Whirlpool had twice the storage space of the sloop, meaning that she could haul twice the booty. & You told me in our last session that Paco was drinking your coffee and wearing your cologne and admitted that it enraged you. Don't you remember any of this?" & He looked down at his hands, realizing that one of them was squeezed tightly shut, & He knew that he'd just been on the high seas. (You can omit the 'that'. It's an extra word.)
Comment Written 10-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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I shall eventually defeat the 'that' monster. My love affair with the word is a hard habit to break. Thank you!
Comment from TDLRasmar
I thought you wrote a very nice story. It kept my interest and had a nice twist at the end.
In the first paragraph there is a phrase "All ten cannon blasted into the Whirlpool," that through me at first. I thought you meant a whirlpool in the sea, but as I read on it was clarified. It might be nice if you defined what the Whirlpool was so dim wits like myself don't spend so much time trying to figure it out.
Down farther in the story there is a phrase "with his remaining teeth so yellow that they nearly matching the bright golden tooth's color." Should 'matching' be 'matched'?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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I thought you wrote a very nice story. It kept my interest and had a nice twist at the end.
In the first paragraph there is a phrase "All ten cannon blasted into the Whirlpool," that through me at first. I thought you meant a whirlpool in the sea, but as I read on it was clarified. It might be nice if you defined what the Whirlpool was so dim wits like myself don't spend so much time trying to figure it out.
Down farther in the story there is a phrase "with his remaining teeth so yellow that they nearly matching the bright golden tooth's color." Should 'matching' be 'matched'?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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Thank you! Great catches. I really appreciate the help.
Comment from Barbara Peabody Pouliot
This is a fantastic writing. The font is a great size. This is very well spaced. Very inviting to read. The illustration compliments very well. It truly captures one's interest completely through. Very Enjoyable.
You have a great writing style. Good luck with the contest. Thank you for sharing.
Write on and share on
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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This is a fantastic writing. The font is a great size. This is very well spaced. Very inviting to read. The illustration compliments very well. It truly captures one's interest completely through. Very Enjoyable.
You have a great writing style. Good luck with the contest. Thank you for sharing.
Write on and share on
Comment Written 10-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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You are so kind, warm, and wonderful my friend. To know you is to be blessed! Thank you.
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Right back at you my friend!
Comment from Ricky1024
Using many famous conceptions.
Yes, you had me completely sold.
(Wish I had the three Spanish gold doubloons!)
I thought it was real and you perhaps googled it from history!
...
Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned most Perfectly.
Note:
I like writing these flashy and trick endings too!
I'll release a copy of one I've written many years ago soon.
Thanks and good luck with your contest entry.
Doctor Ricky
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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Using many famous conceptions.
Yes, you had me completely sold.
(Wish I had the three Spanish gold doubloons!)
I thought it was real and you perhaps googled it from history!
...
Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned most Perfectly.
Note:
I like writing these flashy and trick endings too!
I'll release a copy of one I've written many years ago soon.
Thanks and good luck with your contest entry.
Doctor Ricky
Comment Written 10-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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Wish I had one gold doubloons! Thank you for your warm generous review, my friend. You are a true blessing!
Comment from Jasmine Girl
This is a story about a pirate named Juan Carlos Sanchez who is engaged in a naval battle with another pirate, Paco Ladron, on the high seas. The writing is vivid and action-packed, with detailed descriptions of the cannon fire and the damage inflicted on the ships. The characters are well-developed and the plot is engaging. Overall, it is an enjoyable and well-written piece of writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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This is a story about a pirate named Juan Carlos Sanchez who is engaged in a naval battle with another pirate, Paco Ladron, on the high seas. The writing is vivid and action-packed, with detailed descriptions of the cannon fire and the damage inflicted on the ships. The characters are well-developed and the plot is engaging. Overall, it is an enjoyable and well-written piece of writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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Ah Miss Jasmine, you didn't finish it did you? Ha! That is not quite what the story is about at all. Teehee. Busted! But thanks for your kind review. Have a blessed evening.
