Lost At Sea
One man's journey.30 total reviews
Comment from Spitfire
I wondered when this story would get to the 'alone' part. Fascinating, Doug. I noted the description of teeth in the pirates-- and then found out the insane mad was a dentist. It fit!
A great story, Doug. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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I wondered when this story would get to the 'alone' part. Fascinating, Doug. I noted the description of teeth in the pirates-- and then found out the insane mad was a dentist. It fit!
A great story, Doug. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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The teeth are the biggest clue and every one is keying in, saying "what the heck!" I'm glad my story has foiled so many! Thanks for the awesome stars and review. You are appreciated!
Comment from jmdg1954
I began reading your story and it got me intrigued. Then I couldn't understand the correlation of the pirates and the yellowing/rotten teeth.
Then the twist came and it all made sense. I liked how you correlated the names and everything else in the story to the insane asylum.
I enjoyed the story, worthy of every star!
Cheers. John
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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I began reading your story and it got me intrigued. Then I couldn't understand the correlation of the pirates and the yellowing/rotten teeth.
Then the twist came and it all made sense. I liked how you correlated the names and everything else in the story to the insane asylum.
I enjoyed the story, worthy of every star!
Cheers. John
Comment Written 18-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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Thank you, John. This was fun to write. I appreciate your awesome review!!!
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job, Douglas, with your story. I enjoyed
reading it. All of the mention of pirates and seafaring sounded
so real. Then, you threw in that twist about the man being sedated
to alert readers he was in some kind of psych hospital. Even that
sounded real. You meshed the two together convincingly. At first,
I believed I was reading a pirate tale.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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You did a great job, Douglas, with your story. I enjoyed
reading it. All of the mention of pirates and seafaring sounded
so real. Then, you threw in that twist about the man being sedated
to alert readers he was in some kind of psych hospital. Even that
sounded real. You meshed the two together convincingly. At first,
I believed I was reading a pirate tale.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
Comment Written 18-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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Thank you, Jan. This was a fun one to write. I think that I am getting better and better thanks to this site.
Comment from prettybluebirds
This is quite a story. It is creative and written splendidly. I was convinced the guy was a pirate until the very end. I wish you worlds of luck in the contest. Oh, I didn't spot any errors.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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This is quite a story. It is creative and written splendidly. I was convinced the guy was a pirate until the very end. I wish you worlds of luck in the contest. Oh, I didn't spot any errors.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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Thank you! I think it's a good one!
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
Creative and well-written, loved how you began with a strong action sequence that drew the reader into the story and held him/her there to the end. A good set-up, I was taken in as you will note from the comments below, but I am still not sure the clinical terms work for or against the whole story, but I can now understand the obsession with teeth. Good luck in the contest.
"She had two masts, ten cannon, and could comfortably house a crew of a hundred men." ***The Whirlpool is the smaller ship? Has five canon starboard? Just getting clear, don't know much about ships.
"Juan noticed the two men who brought Paco over had very poor dental hygiene." ****I think it would be much more effective if you described their teeth rather than saying they had poor dental hygiene. Make me cringe at the sight of them.
"One bore a gold tooth in the front, with his remaining teeth so yellow that they nearly matched the bright gold tooth's color. The man's mouth resembled a corncob. The second pirate had several missing teeth, the black holes screaming for dental implants." ****Much better, leave out the dental implants and dental hygiene remarks the context seems wrong.
"Good Lord, my first mate has bad teeth! Juan couldn't't help but notice the man's teeth were yellow and black in various areas. Gingivitis had come for a visit, and had decided to move in! No time to worry about that now." *** Is Captain Juan a former dentist? He seems to have an obsession with teeth. Are the first mate's bad teeth really what a pirate captain would notice as the 1229 ton sheriff bears down on him? Telling me it's gum disease makes me feel like it's a short visit to the dentist and then back to the fray.
The old doctor frowned, and holding up a hand mirror, said, "No John, you're a dentist. You're not even Hispanic." ***Okay, ya got me! Obvious setup...don't know what to say, still not sure, even though it worked, if I like it. Feel like I (the reader) might be the butt of a joke and that might have put me off, but it didn't so...I finished the story, but I am a little disappointed it was about a crazy dentist and not a dashing pirate captain. :)
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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Creative and well-written, loved how you began with a strong action sequence that drew the reader into the story and held him/her there to the end. A good set-up, I was taken in as you will note from the comments below, but I am still not sure the clinical terms work for or against the whole story, but I can now understand the obsession with teeth. Good luck in the contest.
"She had two masts, ten cannon, and could comfortably house a crew of a hundred men." ***The Whirlpool is the smaller ship? Has five canon starboard? Just getting clear, don't know much about ships.
"Juan noticed the two men who brought Paco over had very poor dental hygiene." ****I think it would be much more effective if you described their teeth rather than saying they had poor dental hygiene. Make me cringe at the sight of them.
"One bore a gold tooth in the front, with his remaining teeth so yellow that they nearly matched the bright gold tooth's color. The man's mouth resembled a corncob. The second pirate had several missing teeth, the black holes screaming for dental implants." ****Much better, leave out the dental implants and dental hygiene remarks the context seems wrong.
"Good Lord, my first mate has bad teeth! Juan couldn't't help but notice the man's teeth were yellow and black in various areas. Gingivitis had come for a visit, and had decided to move in! No time to worry about that now." *** Is Captain Juan a former dentist? He seems to have an obsession with teeth. Are the first mate's bad teeth really what a pirate captain would notice as the 1229 ton sheriff bears down on him? Telling me it's gum disease makes me feel like it's a short visit to the dentist and then back to the fray.
The old doctor frowned, and holding up a hand mirror, said, "No John, you're a dentist. You're not even Hispanic." ***Okay, ya got me! Obvious setup...don't know what to say, still not sure, even though it worked, if I like it. Feel like I (the reader) might be the butt of a joke and that might have put me off, but it didn't so...I finished the story, but I am a little disappointed it was about a crazy dentist and not a dashing pirate captain. :)
Comment Written 18-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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Ha! I love it when readers admit that I got them. All the ladies are disappointed there is no dashing pirate captain. Heehee.
Hope you enjoyed my little story. Thanks for the review!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Excellent work. Great story. Superior writing.
I love the little tie-ins, the nuggets of reality within the otherwise believable tale.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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Excellent work. Great story. Superior writing.
I love the little tie-ins, the nuggets of reality within the otherwise believable tale.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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Thanks, Wayne. Haven't heard from you in a bit, but thsi is a great way to make contact! I appreciate the awesome rating, my friend.
Comment from LJbutterfly
WOW! This has to be the winner. I was totally captivated by this unbelievable story of battle ships and piracy on the high seas. I am not at all familiar with pirate ships and related names and terminology, but your well chosen words and detailed descriptions allowed me to fully understand the adventures of Juan Carlos Sanchez. I was even rooting for him to get away. Your clever surprise ending blew me away. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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WOW! This has to be the winner. I was totally captivated by this unbelievable story of battle ships and piracy on the high seas. I am not at all familiar with pirate ships and related names and terminology, but your well chosen words and detailed descriptions allowed me to fully understand the adventures of Juan Carlos Sanchez. I was even rooting for him to get away. Your clever surprise ending blew me away. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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Thank you! So very kind. You never know on Fanstory, with so many good writers, but I feel good about this one. I appreciate ypur awesome review!
Comment from royowen
How interesting. You could make the delusion into a full length novel, with the crazed dentist, journeying back and forth, but it might drive the dentist 'mad'. Just loved this imaginary trip on the high seas, an excellent job Douglas, blessings Roy
Typo : the name fit(ted) the enemy captain.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2023
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How interesting. You could make the delusion into a full length novel, with the crazed dentist, journeying back and forth, but it might drive the dentist 'mad'. Just loved this imaginary trip on the high seas, an excellent job Douglas, blessings Roy
Typo : the name fit(ted) the enemy captain.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2023
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Thanks Roy! Its hard to argue with number 1, but do you think 'fitted' sounds right? I researched that grammaticaly 'fitted' is technically correct, although Americans have americanized it to 'fit'. "Fitted' just doesn't sound right to me. Maybe I'm over thinking it. Blessings, my friend.
Comment from Faith Williams
Great story! I wondered why Juan Carlos Sanchez kept pointing out the dental hygiene of everyone only to find out he's actually John, a dentist. You tied in everything so well from the coffee and cologne to the three golden coins to the names. Well done, Douglas! Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2023
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Great story! I wondered why Juan Carlos Sanchez kept pointing out the dental hygiene of everyone only to find out he's actually John, a dentist. You tied in everything so well from the coffee and cologne to the three golden coins to the names. Well done, Douglas! Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2023
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Thank you, Faith. Although dark, this was a fun one to write! Have a great day and thank you for the awesome rating!
Comment from Terry Broxson
Alone in your own mind is a very creative way to write for this contest. I think the committee will look very favorably on this entry, good luck. You wove a great tale that carried your readers along an unknown path until it twisted. Excellent work. Terry.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2023
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Alone in your own mind is a very creative way to write for this contest. I think the committee will look very favorably on this entry, good luck. You wove a great tale that carried your readers along an unknown path until it twisted. Excellent work. Terry.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2023
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Thank you my friend! I feel good about this one!
