Lords Of The Glen
Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "Berserker"A A new threat arises to the north.
4 total reviews
Comment from Malcolm Rothery
I still think that there is a great fantasy tale in here, but for me, there is just too much 'tell' and not enough 'show'. The first paragraph is a prime example. It's all about personal taste, but I would rewrite this:
'Commander Dirty Dog winced with pain as he pulled the goblin arrow from his left arm. Warm blood flowed from the wound, dripping from his hand onto the rooftop floor of Bronze Helm Hall.'
I'm sure I could do better but I think just a few changes like this allow the reader to be more involved. 'It hurt terribly' just does not do it for me.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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I still think that there is a great fantasy tale in here, but for me, there is just too much 'tell' and not enough 'show'. The first paragraph is a prime example. It's all about personal taste, but I would rewrite this:
'Commander Dirty Dog winced with pain as he pulled the goblin arrow from his left arm. Warm blood flowed from the wound, dripping from his hand onto the rooftop floor of Bronze Helm Hall.'
I'm sure I could do better but I think just a few changes like this allow the reader to be more involved. 'It hurt terribly' just does not do it for me.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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The good news is that there are plenty of great writers and awesome stories on Fanstory. I?m sure you?ll find something out that you?ll enjoy!
Comment from CrystieCookie999
The pacing in this chapter is well-done, without a doubt! Possible improvements seem pretty minor.
For example: The three beautiful kingdoms of the elves had not yet been attacked, but soon, all would be in great danger of destruction and the very existence of the fair-haired woodland race would be threatened to the point of extinction in the Glen.
I would try it this way:
The three beautiful kingdoms of the elves had not yet been attacked, but soon all would be in great danger of destruction, and the very existence of the fair-haired woodland race would be threatened to the point of extinction in the Glen.
(There are three independent clauses here, so I took out the comma after 'soon' and made sure there was a comma after the word 'destruction' instead, to separate the three independent clauses.)
Here is another minor fix: Stack the goblins and light them up.
I would just add a comma after the word 'goblins' due to having two independent clauses there as well.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2023
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The pacing in this chapter is well-done, without a doubt! Possible improvements seem pretty minor.
For example: The three beautiful kingdoms of the elves had not yet been attacked, but soon, all would be in great danger of destruction and the very existence of the fair-haired woodland race would be threatened to the point of extinction in the Glen.
I would try it this way:
The three beautiful kingdoms of the elves had not yet been attacked, but soon all would be in great danger of destruction, and the very existence of the fair-haired woodland race would be threatened to the point of extinction in the Glen.
(There are three independent clauses here, so I took out the comma after 'soon' and made sure there was a comma after the word 'destruction' instead, to separate the three independent clauses.)
Here is another minor fix: Stack the goblins and light them up.
I would just add a comma after the word 'goblins' due to having two independent clauses there as well.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2023
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Great help! Thank you so much I appreciate you!
Comment from JT traveller
I think you have made me a concert to fantasy fiction. Haha. Lord Mintor is certainly a person to be reckoned with. A very good read indeed and a great start to my weekend. I especially enjoyed how you ended the chapter with a single word. Fear. It gave the story an added level of context.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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I think you have made me a concert to fantasy fiction. Haha. Lord Mintor is certainly a person to be reckoned with. A very good read indeed and a great start to my weekend. I especially enjoyed how you ended the chapter with a single word. Fear. It gave the story an added level of context.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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Awesome! I'm glad that you are enjoying my story! I know it needs some fine tuning, but that is all part of the journey!
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It sure is part of the journey and I am enjoying the ride.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am wondering if peace will ever come to these people and what it would look like. You do a great job describing action.
Dirty Dog shoved his bleeding stump into the coals of a nearby fire barrel and after gritting through the pain, (YUCK!!!)
Dirty Dog thought that they might have held the hall. & When Titrus realized that the elves were faster, & He looked down at the red blood running down the side of his chainmail and realized with surprise that he had been wounded (In these sentenced the 'that' can be removed. There are more 'that'. I just copied a few down. )
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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I am wondering if peace will ever come to these people and what it would look like. You do a great job describing action.
Dirty Dog shoved his bleeding stump into the coals of a nearby fire barrel and after gritting through the pain, (YUCK!!!)
Dirty Dog thought that they might have held the hall. & When Titrus realized that the elves were faster, & He looked down at the red blood running down the side of his chainmail and realized with surprise that he had been wounded (In these sentenced the 'that' can be removed. There are more 'that'. I just copied a few down. )
Comment Written 06-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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Thank you Barbara. I really appreciate you taking the time to review. You are a blessing!
