A Popular Girl In School
She was a tomboy.3 total reviews
Comment from Paul McFarland
You have done a good job with this prose piece. I read all the entries in that contest, and your piece was as good as or better than half of the entries.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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You have done a good job with this prose piece. I read all the entries in that contest, and your piece was as good as or better than half of the entries.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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Thanks, but it got no votes.
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Keep your head up.
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I am, my poem to my husband has only three votes.
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, A Popular Girl in School, is well laid out and quickly follows the girl's life and relationship with the narrator, until the awful ending and reason why it's "...the last time I saw Charlie...".
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2023
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This story, A Popular Girl in School, is well laid out and quickly follows the girl's life and relationship with the narrator, until the awful ending and reason why it's "...the last time I saw Charlie...".
Comment Written 03-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2023
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Yes, I thought would write a story about a girl Charlie instead of a boy.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I would suggest splitting this up into a couple more paragraphs, especially the final one. It's quite wieldy.
feminine then and hung around with girls more then boys.- than rather than then.
She had beautiful long blond hair - generally speaking, it's blonde for females and blond for males. Although the practice may be going out of fashion.
blue high heeled shoes - high-heeled.
I didn't know it that night, but I found out later that Charley decided to drink a little too much that night.- I would avoid the repetition of 'that night' and delete one of the usages.
If they'd gone to the prom together, wouldn't they have travelled in the same vehicle, given they'd all been out for a meal first as well. This didn't ring true for me.
That last line is a stinker - really? Not sure forgiveness comes that easily.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2023
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Hi there,
I would suggest splitting this up into a couple more paragraphs, especially the final one. It's quite wieldy.
feminine then and hung around with girls more then boys.- than rather than then.
She had beautiful long blond hair - generally speaking, it's blonde for females and blond for males. Although the practice may be going out of fashion.
blue high heeled shoes - high-heeled.
I didn't know it that night, but I found out later that Charley decided to drink a little too much that night.- I would avoid the repetition of 'that night' and delete one of the usages.
If they'd gone to the prom together, wouldn't they have travelled in the same vehicle, given they'd all been out for a meal first as well. This didn't ring true for me.
That last line is a stinker - really? Not sure forgiveness comes that easily.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 03-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2023
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Yes they went to the prom in the same vehicle, they went to the graduation party in separate vehicles. It is feminine then. She could h have had beautiful brown hair or red hair.
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more than boys...
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What about more than boys? Did you read my poem that ends in quiet? pookietoo
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That's what the than rather than then comment relates to
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ok. I invite you to read my quiet poem entry.
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why?
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Why not?
