The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Oaths and Challenges"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
3 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
'A crack of thunder split the blue sky and Ilati felt the presence step into the stone like a king assuming his throne. For a moment, she saw Ezezu in her mind with crystal clarity, not the devouring monster she had encountered, but a primal spirit of nature, calm and alive with green growth. A sigh of wind pulsed this time not from the north, but outward from the stone itself. As it passed over the people, fresh green grass worked its way up through the paving stones in a ripple outwards.' I love this description! To show Ezezu not as a monster but a spirit of nature.
I'm not sure you meant it this way, but it says to me that if we humans do not nurture nature, nature has the ability to become that monster. Again, another relevant thought for today.
Suggestions to consider:
'To (even) know how to read was a mark of status.' Delete 'even'.
'(On the stone), the chalk markings (seemed to burn) with a sudden bright white light, etching themselves deep into the stone.' I think you could delete that beginning part since you mention the stone also at the end of the sentence. Also, maybe switch to 'burned'?
'Ilati was certain (that) the beast could have destroyed Sa Dul and devoured every one of its inhabitants.' Delete 'that'.
'She knew (that) Shir Del and Roshanak were going to accompany them...' Delete 'that'.
Another well-written chapter. I find Eigou intriguing, and you constantly feed that mystery. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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'A crack of thunder split the blue sky and Ilati felt the presence step into the stone like a king assuming his throne. For a moment, she saw Ezezu in her mind with crystal clarity, not the devouring monster she had encountered, but a primal spirit of nature, calm and alive with green growth. A sigh of wind pulsed this time not from the north, but outward from the stone itself. As it passed over the people, fresh green grass worked its way up through the paving stones in a ripple outwards.' I love this description! To show Ezezu not as a monster but a spirit of nature.
I'm not sure you meant it this way, but it says to me that if we humans do not nurture nature, nature has the ability to become that monster. Again, another relevant thought for today.
Suggestions to consider:
'To (even) know how to read was a mark of status.' Delete 'even'.
'(On the stone), the chalk markings (seemed to burn) with a sudden bright white light, etching themselves deep into the stone.' I think you could delete that beginning part since you mention the stone also at the end of the sentence. Also, maybe switch to 'burned'?
'Ilati was certain (that) the beast could have destroyed Sa Dul and devoured every one of its inhabitants.' Delete 'that'.
'She knew (that) Shir Del and Roshanak were going to accompany them...' Delete 'that'.
Another well-written chapter. I find Eigou intriguing, and you constantly feed that mystery. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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Thank you for reading! I'm glad Eigou is intriguing. He's definitely meant to have some mystery to him. I'm also glad Ezezu is clearly portrayed, at least in line with what was intended. I'll tweak the wording where you saw it. It definitely suffers from some awkwardness here and there.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Excellent reading, as always. I didn't see any errors. It was active and kept me reading to the final word. Changing the subject. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Enjoy your Sunday. Shirley
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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Excellent reading, as always. I didn't see any errors. It was active and kept me reading to the final word. Changing the subject. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Enjoy your Sunday. Shirley
Comment Written 18-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I'm glad it was enjoyable. I really appreciate your time and feedback, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas as well.
Comment from Ricky1024
"Oaths and Challenges" was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
Standard Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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"Oaths and Challenges" was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
Standard Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 18-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate your time and I hope you have a wonderful holiday.
