New York's Best: the NYDOE
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "NYCDoHD Spells Jobs, 6"A Musical in One Act
24 total reviews
Comment from Kaiku
I have no idea on how to review a script. Having been on stage years ago, I will say the positioning of everything seemed well laid out. The dialogue between characters was very effective and quite believable. I could envision the cast and scene.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2022
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I have no idea on how to review a script. Having been on stage years ago, I will say the positioning of everything seemed well laid out. The dialogue between characters was very effective and quite believable. I could envision the cast and scene.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2022
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Oh, man! I'm just so happy you weighed in on this one, my friend. Yes, most of the writing here on FS is Script writing, not for a stage play. And they are enormously different. Thank you so much for reading it.
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Yes sir!
Comment from judiverse
Zachary is certainly an attention-seeker. You might want to break up the two-person dialogue with responses from others onstage. I'm not sure how long a one-act musical should be, but there might need to be an intermission somewhere. I think Zachary's dramatizing the different jobs he's had--"I can buck boxes" etc. would be an excellent start for a song--Maybe delivered in Professor Hill's "Music Man" style. Looks like you're on your way to all=time best with this. Come on, Kincade, at least send Zachary out on a waiter job. judi
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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Zachary is certainly an attention-seeker. You might want to break up the two-person dialogue with responses from others onstage. I'm not sure how long a one-act musical should be, but there might need to be an intermission somewhere. I think Zachary's dramatizing the different jobs he's had--"I can buck boxes" etc. would be an excellent start for a song--Maybe delivered in Professor Hill's "Music Man" style. Looks like you're on your way to all=time best with this. Come on, Kincade, at least send Zachary out on a waiter job. judi
Comment Written 19-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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I agree with you about the placement of a song in this scene. One more scene to go and then I'm going to do some heavy editing, creating more of a balance between Zachary and Mr. Kincade ... so it won't be so one-sided when they play off each other.
Thank you so much for your enthusiastic interest in my play, Judi.
Jay
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You're welcome. I hope Zachary will finally get sent out for a job interview. Kincade can say he did his utmost to help Zachary. You might consider reducing the number of job seekers waiting their turn. judi
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In the edit, I've already handled having numbers called and people coming and going, some with and some without papers.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Awe. I feel so bad for Zachary. He is honestly his own worst enemy. I feel like he is so happy to tell his story and he feels like if people were to listen to him and understand him, they would be as happy to help him find a job as he is to get one.
I also think Mr. Kincaid keeps getting sucked into his clients stories then has to reel himself back in.
Another great installment. Gretchen
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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Awe. I feel so bad for Zachary. He is honestly his own worst enemy. I feel like he is so happy to tell his story and he feels like if people were to listen to him and understand him, they would be as happy to help him find a job as he is to get one.
I also think Mr. Kincaid keeps getting sucked into his clients stories then has to reel himself back in.
Another great installment. Gretchen
Comment Written 18-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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Thank you, Gretchen. Both for your kind remarks and the lovely 6th star. One more scene to go and then a massive edit to get the size to within a staging format.
Comment from Sally Law
Aw, this is such a tender and sad one as Zachary is needing, practically begging, for work. The sign of the times which was reported to me by my grandparents and mother who'd lived through the Great Depression. My mother was born in 1922 and remembered it as a young child with eight siblings. The best script yet, dear Jay.
Sending you my best today as always and blessings to you all at Christmas,
Sal XOs
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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Aw, this is such a tender and sad one as Zachary is needing, practically begging, for work. The sign of the times which was reported to me by my grandparents and mother who'd lived through the Great Depression. My mother was born in 1922 and remembered it as a young child with eight siblings. The best script yet, dear Jay.
Sending you my best today as always and blessings to you all at Christmas,
Sal XOs
Comment Written 18-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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Thank you so much, Sally. Yes, those who lived through the depression could tell us so much. I've heard stories from three reviewers that could make you weep.
Jay
Comment from Ulla
Wonderful, Jay. I absolutely love it. Zachary is a character, he has charm and wit and I'll have to say he thinks on his feet. Poor Mr Kinkade can hardly follow suit. It's tragic comic (it does make me laugh) and bitter sweet. But alas, when Mr Kinkade gets his wits about him he has nothing to offer.
Wonderfully written and with just the right pace. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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Wonderful, Jay. I absolutely love it. Zachary is a character, he has charm and wit and I'll have to say he thinks on his feet. Poor Mr Kinkade can hardly follow suit. It's tragic comic (it does make me laugh) and bitter sweet. But alas, when Mr Kinkade gets his wits about him he has nothing to offer.
Wonderfully written and with just the right pace. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 18-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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Thank you Ulla. I'm happy you are enjoying the storyline. Just one more scene and I get to begin editing. You have been a blessing throughout!
Jay
Comment from Liz O'Neill
A great example of tongue-in-cheek humor with a gallows chuckle: "Quite a step down from rubbing elbows with the Pope!" Good powerful amusing simile: "would draw you to him like a pound of beefsteak to a shiner." Nice alliteration. I've never seen the allusion used, except in my book Traffic at my brother's suggestion: " maelstrom of a metropolis" More great alliteration: "But listen, I can buck boxes, wrestle ropes, hoist, load, unload, sweep, scrape paint, skipper, sail."
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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A great example of tongue-in-cheek humor with a gallows chuckle: "Quite a step down from rubbing elbows with the Pope!" Good powerful amusing simile: "would draw you to him like a pound of beefsteak to a shiner." Nice alliteration. I've never seen the allusion used, except in my book Traffic at my brother's suggestion: " maelstrom of a metropolis" More great alliteration: "But listen, I can buck boxes, wrestle ropes, hoist, load, unload, sweep, scrape paint, skipper, sail."
Comment Written 18-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2022
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I'm so glad you enjoyed this scene, Liz. Only one more to go! Have a stupendous Christmas!
Jay
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You also, Jay
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Jay,
It appears that Mr. Kincade has had enough. As much as he'd like to give Zachary a job, there just isn't one available for his experience. And Zach knows it, too. So he's laying all his cards on the table. He's pleading with Mr. Kincade for a job. He'd be a waiter in a restaurant. He'd even go back into the ring, fighting for his life.
I think this would be a great spot for a song from the gallery. After all, they have certainly been patient. Some of them, I think, are hoping Zachary will get a job from Mr. Kincade. The rest want to see him walk out the door and never come back.
The desperation of the Great Depression shines in this scene. Hope is fading for people. I recall stories I heard about my grandfather, Frank Bartlett. He would thumb a ride into the city... Saint John... to the docks, hoping to get picked for a day's work. Money to buy bread and milk, tea, sugar, flour, salt. He could supply the rest... a rabbit for a stew, moose meat, trout, smelt. Vegetables were cheap, and plentiful from local farmers in Grand Bay. But sometimes, he'd come back home... empty-handed. He'd lay his head down on the kitchen table and cry.
I remember the scenes in 2005 "Cinderella Man", which starred Russell Crowe as James J. Braddock. With a broken hand, he gripped the wire fence, hoping to get chosen to work. He had a cast on his arm that he had blackened with shoe polish. Hope. And he gave so many people in those days... hope. Hope is so important. Without hope, what do you have? I think this is a huge part of your purpose in writing this play, Jay.
Nicely penned!
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2022
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Hi Jay,
It appears that Mr. Kincade has had enough. As much as he'd like to give Zachary a job, there just isn't one available for his experience. And Zach knows it, too. So he's laying all his cards on the table. He's pleading with Mr. Kincade for a job. He'd be a waiter in a restaurant. He'd even go back into the ring, fighting for his life.
I think this would be a great spot for a song from the gallery. After all, they have certainly been patient. Some of them, I think, are hoping Zachary will get a job from Mr. Kincade. The rest want to see him walk out the door and never come back.
The desperation of the Great Depression shines in this scene. Hope is fading for people. I recall stories I heard about my grandfather, Frank Bartlett. He would thumb a ride into the city... Saint John... to the docks, hoping to get picked for a day's work. Money to buy bread and milk, tea, sugar, flour, salt. He could supply the rest... a rabbit for a stew, moose meat, trout, smelt. Vegetables were cheap, and plentiful from local farmers in Grand Bay. But sometimes, he'd come back home... empty-handed. He'd lay his head down on the kitchen table and cry.
I remember the scenes in 2005 "Cinderella Man", which starred Russell Crowe as James J. Braddock. With a broken hand, he gripped the wire fence, hoping to get chosen to work. He had a cast on his arm that he had blackened with shoe polish. Hope. And he gave so many people in those days... hope. Hope is so important. Without hope, what do you have? I think this is a huge part of your purpose in writing this play, Jay.
Nicely penned!
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 17-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2022
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Yes, and I think I should have leaned heavier on the depression angle. I have an unused scene where the gallery voiced their dismay. But it made the regular scene too long, so I shelved it. That was a sad story about your grandfather. My mother told us about growing up in the depression. One night, after a few days of eating nothing, they answered a knock on the front door and a gunnysack of potatoes fell into the opened door.
Thank you for your input, Kimbob. One more scene ends it and then I'm going to start working on the music, like finding a slot for yours and Katharine's great lyrics. Thanks again for that! And my goodness! for the six stars!
Jay
Comment from Pam (respa)
-This is a very good scene, Jay.
-I like how Zachary is showing some fiery spirit.
-He wants a job and will do anything.
-I think he realizes, he is close to being dismissed by
Mr. Kincaid, and lays all his cards on the table.
-You did a good job putting the passion in his speeches with vivid images, like:
"I leave his serene presence and seek out my demons..."
When I read this, it sounded like a song could be made from it.
-With these lines, "But listen, I can buck boxes..." and the ones that follow remind me a "Hamilton" like song with a dance routine.
-You are doing a really good job!!! Good wishes your way for continued success!!
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2022
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-This is a very good scene, Jay.
-I like how Zachary is showing some fiery spirit.
-He wants a job and will do anything.
-I think he realizes, he is close to being dismissed by
Mr. Kincaid, and lays all his cards on the table.
-You did a good job putting the passion in his speeches with vivid images, like:
"I leave his serene presence and seek out my demons..."
When I read this, it sounded like a song could be made from it.
-With these lines, "But listen, I can buck boxes..." and the ones that follow remind me a "Hamilton" like song with a dance routine.
-You are doing a really good job!!! Good wishes your way for continued success!!
Comment Written 17-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2022
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Geez, am I the only one who hasn't seen Hamilton? I really need to. You're the second person who referred to it. Thank you, Pam.
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You are welcome, Jay. It is a dynamite show!!!! I will send you an e-mail about it. You do need to see it.
Comment from Ric Myworld
As I always figure every time I read one of your posts about anything, at any time that, although every detail seems covered extensively, I'd still bet there is even more running through your mind than a million mice chasing cheese. LOL. Fantastic as always!
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2022
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As I always figure every time I read one of your posts about anything, at any time that, although every detail seems covered extensively, I'd still bet there is even more running through your mind than a million mice chasing cheese. LOL. Fantastic as always!
Comment Written 17-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2022
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Ohhhh, you're too kind, Ric. And I'm so happy to have you reading this and feeling so entertained! It means a lot, you know.
Jay
Comment from Begin Again
You are so good at composing and setting the scenes. Your are not just a writer but one with a vision for what happens to the story you've gathered together. Setting it to music gives it so much more life. Hurrah!
And poor Zachary only wants a job... something difficult to come by in the depression. I remember my dad telling me how as a boy he walked the roadsides and fields to find corn cobs for fuel and shoot a rabbit for dinner. Life was difficult - more so in the country.
Zachary's heart screams for a chance to prove himself.
Hugs, Carol
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2022
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You are so good at composing and setting the scenes. Your are not just a writer but one with a vision for what happens to the story you've gathered together. Setting it to music gives it so much more life. Hurrah!
And poor Zachary only wants a job... something difficult to come by in the depression. I remember my dad telling me how as a boy he walked the roadsides and fields to find corn cobs for fuel and shoot a rabbit for dinner. Life was difficult - more so in the country.
Zachary's heart screams for a chance to prove himself.
Hugs, Carol
Comment Written 17-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2022
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Oh, you are too kind, Carol. I wish I had a musician who could turn some of the lyrics to music and write it out with the musical notation.
Thanks so much for your enthusiasm. It makes waking up and facing this such a pleasure.
Jay