Time Are We Friends?
Speaking with time since your disappointed5 total reviews
Comment from Mintybee
I love the theme of this poem. Looking at Time as something we are accustomed to and count on, but also that causes us grief is an interesting study. The loop structure is perfect, and well done. The rhyme scheme in the directions for the loop contest say abcb, which you don't have consistently. The first stanza has other and recover, so that's right. Proceed and grief don't rhyme, but you might get away with the assonance. Moment and again should probably be fixed. Circumvent and friends again have some assonance, but it doesn't rhyme. Overall, a good poem as it looks at love, loss, unhealed grief, the movement of time, and pulls all these elements together nicely.
Mintybee
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2023
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I love the theme of this poem. Looking at Time as something we are accustomed to and count on, but also that causes us grief is an interesting study. The loop structure is perfect, and well done. The rhyme scheme in the directions for the loop contest say abcb, which you don't have consistently. The first stanza has other and recover, so that's right. Proceed and grief don't rhyme, but you might get away with the assonance. Moment and again should probably be fixed. Circumvent and friends again have some assonance, but it doesn't rhyme. Overall, a good poem as it looks at love, loss, unhealed grief, the movement of time, and pulls all these elements together nicely.
Mintybee
Comment Written 29-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I wanted to use slant rhymes so technically I did follow the rhyming but I understand the judges may not feel the same way. I may have lost the contest but I am pleased with the poem and that's what matters. Thank you for enjoying my work and for the deep dives. I love comments like these that break down a poem that speaks of so much.
Comment from jessizero
I would add a comma after "Time," but that is up to you. I would also capitalize "Time" in the last sentence.
This was a great poem. I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2023
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I would add a comma after "Time," but that is up to you. I would also capitalize "Time" in the last sentence.
This was a great poem. I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I looked into the changes you mentioned and implemented them. Thank you for your honesty and I am pleased to know you enjoy my work. I do have a book that is being released sometime this week as well which will be my first ever. If all goes well writing can become an occupation.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
Welcome to FS, I wasn't here before to welcome you as I hibernate in November, and I'm away again in a few minutes. So hope you're having fun and grow to love life here as much as I do. This is a good poem in terms of subject, and the thought link between1st and last lines is nice. but as is, it will be eliminated from the contest, because FS has an added rhyme requirement. you have only done the line 2-4 end rhymes on stanza 1. You need to do it on all stanzas (different rhymes each stanza allowed), or if you make a one stanza poem you still need 2-4/6-8/10-12 etc. In future, if you summarize form requirement in your note, it helps both you and the reviewer - so many forms, I know very few people who can remember them all. I certainly can't Kate xx
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2022
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Welcome to FS, I wasn't here before to welcome you as I hibernate in November, and I'm away again in a few minutes. So hope you're having fun and grow to love life here as much as I do. This is a good poem in terms of subject, and the thought link between1st and last lines is nice. but as is, it will be eliminated from the contest, because FS has an added rhyme requirement. you have only done the line 2-4 end rhymes on stanza 1. You need to do it on all stanzas (different rhymes each stanza allowed), or if you make a one stanza poem you still need 2-4/6-8/10-12 etc. In future, if you summarize form requirement in your note, it helps both you and the reviewer - so many forms, I know very few people who can remember them all. I certainly can't Kate xx
Comment Written 04-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2022
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Hello Katherine,
Thank you for reading and enjoying the poem. I wanted to clarify the rhyme. I noticed that it does mention a rhyme pattern of the following: abcb. It does use half rhymes within those areas that require the rhymes. Spoken at loud does bring the same sound while reading. It doesn't not. Does the rhyming style specify, or are near rhyming not allowed or considered rhymes? It usually works for other contests that I write to. Sorry if this seems a bit direct; I'm not trying to come off strong. I just wanted to be informed since my style, most of the time, involves half rhymed. Saving myself from being eliminated in future contests.
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slant rhymes are fine. Sorry if I read too quick. My pronunciation is odd so I don't always see them. Kate xx
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It's okay. Usually the rhymes are caught off guard at first glance. Thank you for letting me know it's okay. Am I still eliminated from the contest? Just to keep in mind.
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NO, I don't decide that I was just warning you to look caefully
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Oh okay thank you for the help. I did have to revise another poem from a different contest on this site so the comments did scare me. It made me happy it should be good and within requirements. Thank you for replying.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
We cannot argue with time, all we can do is not waste it and treat it to precious memories that we can relive in our sad moments. Time can be such a thief and yet we all enjoy it and take it for granted, a poignant write Daniel, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2022
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We cannot argue with time, all we can do is not waste it and treat it to precious memories that we can relive in our sad moments. Time can be such a thief and yet we all enjoy it and take it for granted, a poignant write Daniel, love Dolly x
Comment Written 03-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2022
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Thank you for your review. Making the best of what we have and thriving on the valuable moments we come across, and cherishing life itself. Thank you for enjoying the poem.
Comment from Karyn2
I really enjoyed your questioning of time as a friend in this poem. Posing the idea that time is responsible, passing by without stopping to allow for relationships to be mended and hurts to be healed or hugs to repeated. The structure is well crafted with the repeated final/first word. I felt a few words worked more successfully than others. The end of the 3rd line and 4th line were strong but I felt "other than that" was not the best possible word choices to begin line 3 and felt a little awkward. Perhaps a little rework in line 2-3 to bring this up to the strong flow of the rest of the poem. Well done!
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2022
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I really enjoyed your questioning of time as a friend in this poem. Posing the idea that time is responsible, passing by without stopping to allow for relationships to be mended and hurts to be healed or hugs to repeated. The structure is well crafted with the repeated final/first word. I felt a few words worked more successfully than others. The end of the 3rd line and 4th line were strong but I felt "other than that" was not the best possible word choices to begin line 3 and felt a little awkward. Perhaps a little rework in line 2-3 to bring this up to the strong flow of the rest of the poem. Well done!
Comment Written 03-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2022
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I appreciate your honest feedback. When I came across the format and idea of the last word starting the following line, I felt it would be perfect to have this one-way convo complaining about time, letting things happen without warning of what's coming, or cherishing the great memories without passing too quickly. "Other than that," I thought worked well, having to change the meaning of the word from each other to other than that. Nevertheless, I will do a round of editing a bit later and come back to have your 2 cents on the revision. Thank you for reading my poem and giving veracious feedback.
