Lords Of The Glen
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Melting Walls"A A new threat arises to the north.
4 total reviews
Comment from Dr. Von
The storyline continues with strong descriptions of the conflicts and the results of the battles. I like that you maintain the tight flow of dialogue as well. This story makes a strong bid for an action-packed game. There are engaging strategy elements to expand the imagination of participants. Your vision is well-written.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2022
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The storyline continues with strong descriptions of the conflicts and the results of the battles. I like that you maintain the tight flow of dialogue as well. This story makes a strong bid for an action-packed game. There are engaging strategy elements to expand the imagination of participants. Your vision is well-written.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2022
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That's a very interesting idea, my friend. Glad you are still with me!
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Still here. The gamers aren't writing as creatively as you my friend.
Comment from Soledadpaz
An action-packed story with cinematic dialogue. Reminds me of Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings. Once I began reading I couldn't stop.
A few thoughts and suggestions below.
Sol
Just coming into this story, so not sure what 'four horses to the east' is meant to describe/measure.
Suggest: could (detect) a foul odor
Suggest: (whom) they had found sleeping in some high brush.
Suggest delete: all. . . . had passed by heading south.
Suggest: had swung his patrol back west and (ridden) to the Central Rim
Suggest: seeking out the source of the awful (stench).
Suggest: the men (saw) dead horses and apes . . .
Lord Grey's men (spread) out, searching . . .
Excellent description in the next paragraph. I can see the spear and all.
Suggest: he and his raiders (met) a heroic end
Suggest: second in command, a bald man with a long, curled black mustache.
Delete that: By the time the men completed
They wanted to leave the area quickly, (lest) the column.
Unclear whose thoughts those are.
Suggest delete: before he left. Quite a descriptive and dynamic scene of the dragon's attack.
What an ingenious construction of Gilead!
Suggest: for crossbow dwarves (to) fire down onto the streets
Suggest: honored (by) the assignment
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2022
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An action-packed story with cinematic dialogue. Reminds me of Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings. Once I began reading I couldn't stop.
A few thoughts and suggestions below.
Sol
Just coming into this story, so not sure what 'four horses to the east' is meant to describe/measure.
Suggest: could (detect) a foul odor
Suggest: (whom) they had found sleeping in some high brush.
Suggest delete: all. . . . had passed by heading south.
Suggest: had swung his patrol back west and (ridden) to the Central Rim
Suggest: seeking out the source of the awful (stench).
Suggest: the men (saw) dead horses and apes . . .
Lord Grey's men (spread) out, searching . . .
Excellent description in the next paragraph. I can see the spear and all.
Suggest: he and his raiders (met) a heroic end
Suggest: second in command, a bald man with a long, curled black mustache.
Delete that: By the time the men completed
They wanted to leave the area quickly, (lest) the column.
Unclear whose thoughts those are.
Suggest delete: before he left. Quite a descriptive and dynamic scene of the dragon's attack.
What an ingenious construction of Gilead!
Suggest: for crossbow dwarves (to) fire down onto the streets
Suggest: honored (by) the assignment
Comment Written 30-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2022
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Excellent help my friend. I made many of those corrections in my word copy. Thank you so very much!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I can see dragons are a real problem. Your action and descriptions are great. Good write.
By the time that the men completed their tasks, (omit 'that')
The dragon surveyed the damage that he had caused, and apparently satisfied, flew off tossing the two flailing dwarves against the hard rock wall below before he left. (omit 'that' & and I'd write, 'damage he'd caused')
"Well, it's obvious that the dragon intends to split the wall in the east and west. (omit 'that')
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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I can see dragons are a real problem. Your action and descriptions are great. Good write.
By the time that the men completed their tasks, (omit 'that')
The dragon surveyed the damage that he had caused, and apparently satisfied, flew off tossing the two flailing dwarves against the hard rock wall below before he left. (omit 'that' & and I'd write, 'damage he'd caused')
"Well, it's obvious that the dragon intends to split the wall in the east and west. (omit 'that')
Comment Written 29-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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Thank you again, Barbara. I actually took some 'thats' out before submitting but missed these. Thanks for "catching" them!
Comment from Tom Horonzy
I previously, think, I enjoyed your work and that's why I became, and remain a fan, but this genre of storytelling leaves me in the dust. Sci-fi or whatever is way down the list. Now, should you quote the ancient poets, and playwrights, I'll be all in. Be well.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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I previously, think, I enjoyed your work and that's why I became, and remain a fan, but this genre of storytelling leaves me in the dust. Sci-fi or whatever is way down the list. Now, should you quote the ancient poets, and playwrights, I'll be all in. Be well.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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No shame in bowing out. I?ve been reading this series to my kids for years. They love it. Over and over again. They have even read it in the bud to other kids. You are probably not in my targeted demographics. But, as always, I appreciate you!
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Demographics? I never gave thought. I liked your backwoods poem, and other things you wrote. Don't defriend or defan me, please. Be well.
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Never would defriend you. . You are one of my favorites. My point was that this series is aimed at 16 to 26 year old males. For example, my wife loves my Implantation book but can?t stand this series. Anyways you and me are solid Tom. Like Starsky and Hutch. Or Bo and Luke. Or Ginger and Mary Ann. Okay maybe not the last one.
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Smiles all around, pal. :-)
