The Crossing
A day never to be forgotten5 total reviews
Comment from PENofFIRE
Great story. I can't explain how your work draws me in. When I read your writing, I feel a part of the story. I think as writers, we all want to be able to do that. You do just that and you do it so well. Thanks again for sharing.
Pen
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2022
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Great story. I can't explain how your work draws me in. When I read your writing, I feel a part of the story. I think as writers, we all want to be able to do that. You do just that and you do it so well. Thanks again for sharing.
Pen
Comment Written 15-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2022
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A wonderful compliment. Thank you so very much.
Comment from tempeste
Ciao , you now have three votes!
I'm surprised your grandfather didn't get a heart attack ... seeing his children were intent on dashing over / out running the cargo train.
You didn't mention if your grandfather was a believer.
Did he think it was a miracle and thanked God for his intervention or did he just think they had been damn lucky that Arvie had been able to propel your mother across in time thanks to that sudden burst of energy?
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2022
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Ciao , you now have three votes!
I'm surprised your grandfather didn't get a heart attack ... seeing his children were intent on dashing over / out running the cargo train.
You didn't mention if your grandfather was a believer.
Did he think it was a miracle and thanked God for his intervention or did he just think they had been damn lucky that Arvie had been able to propel your mother across in time thanks to that sudden burst of energy?
Comment Written 02-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2022
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My first entry was way too long so I had to cut it in half. I wasn?t paying attention to word count. He was a faithful man. I mention God in the first ?write? but editing at the last minute ?cast him out?. Thanks for your vote. I am off to stroll the town today, get groceries and clear my head. Ciao!
Comment from Douglas Goff
Great entry Just wanted to give you a quick catch:
"Don't trump my ace," grandpa stated half-disgustingly. After we had won the match against grandma and my mom, he changed expressions and asked, Have I told you the story of how your mother took my legs right out from under me?"
(Missing the " before the word Have)
Minor, but you might want to fix it during the vote!
Keep up the awesome work, my friend.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2022
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Great entry Just wanted to give you a quick catch:
"Don't trump my ace," grandpa stated half-disgustingly. After we had won the match against grandma and my mom, he changed expressions and asked, Have I told you the story of how your mother took my legs right out from under me?"
(Missing the " before the word Have)
Minor, but you might want to fix it during the vote!
Keep up the awesome work, my friend.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2022
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Thank you. I will get that corrected.
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Minor. Great entry!
Comment from lyenochka
What a story! I guess framing the heart-stopping story with the calm game of Pinochle puts a fun spin on it. I liked that your mom was a pitcher and got practice throwing newspapers. But I think your mom and uncle learned that lives are more important than a baseball game. Whew! Best wishes in the contest!
"Nope, I said, but I'm thinking you're going to" (This should be on a new paragraph as each change of speaker starts a new paragraph. Needs a period, too.)
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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What a story! I guess framing the heart-stopping story with the calm game of Pinochle puts a fun spin on it. I liked that your mom was a pitcher and got practice throwing newspapers. But I think your mom and uncle learned that lives are more important than a baseball game. Whew! Best wishes in the contest!
"Nope, I said, but I'm thinking you're going to" (This should be on a new paragraph as each change of speaker starts a new paragraph. Needs a period, too.)
Comment Written 29-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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Appreciate the head's up. Thanks for reading.
Comment from nor84
EarthThere's a lot you need to learn about writing dialogue. The first thing is that often, speech tags aren't needed at all when there are only two people in the scene. When the speaker changes, you do need to put that in a new paragraph. Here's an example from your writing:
"Don't trump my ace," grandpa stated half-disgustingly. After we had won the match against grandma and my mom, he changed expressions and asked, "Have I told you the story of how your mother took my legs right out from under me?" (change of speaker means a new paragraph or you may confuse your reader.)
"Nope, I said, but I'm thinking you're going to"
Remember, don't be afraid to use 'said.' Readers pass right over it, like it's punctuation. The best speech tags are 'said' or 'asked. The only thing better is no tag at all. Usually, they aren't necessary with only 2 people in the scene. The reader can follow the back-and-forth of a discussion. Avoid using stated, queried, continued, wanted to know or began, which really stand out as tags. Keep the tag to a way of speaking, like shouted, whispered, yelled or said/asked.
You want your dialogue to stand out, not its tags.
This review was meant to be helpful. If it isn't, ignore it.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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EarthThere's a lot you need to learn about writing dialogue. The first thing is that often, speech tags aren't needed at all when there are only two people in the scene. When the speaker changes, you do need to put that in a new paragraph. Here's an example from your writing:
"Don't trump my ace," grandpa stated half-disgustingly. After we had won the match against grandma and my mom, he changed expressions and asked, "Have I told you the story of how your mother took my legs right out from under me?" (change of speaker means a new paragraph or you may confuse your reader.)
"Nope, I said, but I'm thinking you're going to"
Remember, don't be afraid to use 'said.' Readers pass right over it, like it's punctuation. The best speech tags are 'said' or 'asked. The only thing better is no tag at all. Usually, they aren't necessary with only 2 people in the scene. The reader can follow the back-and-forth of a discussion. Avoid using stated, queried, continued, wanted to know or began, which really stand out as tags. Keep the tag to a way of speaking, like shouted, whispered, yelled or said/asked.
You want your dialogue to stand out, not its tags.
This review was meant to be helpful. If it isn't, ignore it.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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I understand my shortcomings in writing. Comments are appreciated. I'm rather a novice. Thanks.
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I made a few corrections. Hopefully it reads better. Thanks again.
