G.W. And Jenny
Progress is a cruel master.5 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
As always, your descriptive writing is as good as it gets. Taking me through every step of your story as if I'm in the whole mix from beginning to end. Now, I only wish I had a six to reward it properly. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
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As always, your descriptive writing is as good as it gets. Taking me through every step of your story as if I'm in the whole mix from beginning to end. Now, I only wish I had a six to reward it properly. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
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Glad you liked it. It was fun to write. Good luck in your writing.
Comment from humpwhistle
I got totally wrapped up in your story, Howard. Seems we share a connection with the West. In my case, mostly books and film, I'm sorry to admit.
Anyway, I truly enjoyed the yarn. I made comments as I read. You're welcome to take them with as many grains of salt as you please.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
They both dismounted and stared at the gruesome sight --in the previous paragraph, you had Dave 'dismounting'. Seems awkward to mention they 'both' dismounted in this paragraph.
thicket brush and get-a-way.--get-way?
"Yes, captain. My first time away from the fort's shadow. What do you want me to do?"--this is just a judgement call, but would expect G.W. to have inquired about the experience of his companion before he left the fort. Seems uncharacteristically careless on G.W.'s part to be having this conversation now.
Vomit again, if need-be, then rinse your mouth out. Take Billyboy and look for tracks leaving the area. My best guess is they rode southwest, or even straight south. I am going to look over the bodies. Stay within sight of the wagon. Search in circles with the wagon as your center point."--excellent paragraph. I'm hearing John Wayne's cadence. Am I right?
His stomach was unsettled,--remained, instead of was?
He's now knows the world is cruel. --I'm guessing you see the problem without my help.
The burned condition of the bodies shortened G.W.'s inspection--instead of 'shortened' maybe 'hindered'?
The ugly smell of burnt flesh--again, this is just personal preference, but I think you can be more graphic than 'ugly'.
"Were the horses shoed?"--I believe 'shod' in the proper word. G.W. isn't without experience.
Those unnecessary bullet holes are a waste."--I wonder why no mention is made of the dead soldiers' arm and ammo pouches? Not irrelevant.
"Enough to protect them from critters for a few days. Two graves, two bodies each. You grab the shovel from the wagon side, choose a location and begin. I'll put the horses in some shade, and give them some grain and water. After checking the bodies one last time for any identification, I'll move them over by the grave site and spell you."--this is a fairly long story. I wonder if this paragraph is worth all those words? I'd get them buried and be done with it. Just a suggestion.
What you call fear, was your common sense preventing a second death that day."--Great line.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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I got totally wrapped up in your story, Howard. Seems we share a connection with the West. In my case, mostly books and film, I'm sorry to admit.
Anyway, I truly enjoyed the yarn. I made comments as I read. You're welcome to take them with as many grains of salt as you please.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
They both dismounted and stared at the gruesome sight --in the previous paragraph, you had Dave 'dismounting'. Seems awkward to mention they 'both' dismounted in this paragraph.
thicket brush and get-a-way.--get-way?
"Yes, captain. My first time away from the fort's shadow. What do you want me to do?"--this is just a judgement call, but would expect G.W. to have inquired about the experience of his companion before he left the fort. Seems uncharacteristically careless on G.W.'s part to be having this conversation now.
Vomit again, if need-be, then rinse your mouth out. Take Billyboy and look for tracks leaving the area. My best guess is they rode southwest, or even straight south. I am going to look over the bodies. Stay within sight of the wagon. Search in circles with the wagon as your center point."--excellent paragraph. I'm hearing John Wayne's cadence. Am I right?
His stomach was unsettled,--remained, instead of was?
He's now knows the world is cruel. --I'm guessing you see the problem without my help.
The burned condition of the bodies shortened G.W.'s inspection--instead of 'shortened' maybe 'hindered'?
The ugly smell of burnt flesh--again, this is just personal preference, but I think you can be more graphic than 'ugly'.
"Were the horses shoed?"--I believe 'shod' in the proper word. G.W. isn't without experience.
Those unnecessary bullet holes are a waste."--I wonder why no mention is made of the dead soldiers' arm and ammo pouches? Not irrelevant.
"Enough to protect them from critters for a few days. Two graves, two bodies each. You grab the shovel from the wagon side, choose a location and begin. I'll put the horses in some shade, and give them some grain and water. After checking the bodies one last time for any identification, I'll move them over by the grave site and spell you."--this is a fairly long story. I wonder if this paragraph is worth all those words? I'd get them buried and be done with it. Just a suggestion.
What you call fear, was your common sense preventing a second death that day."--Great line.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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Appreciate your comments and catches. Glad you liked the story. Continued success with your own writing
Comment from Douglas Goff
Great read. One catch:
The one furthest from the scene tumbled from the sky. Nothing said, he re holstered.
(re-holstered)
Very interesting. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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Great read. One catch:
The one furthest from the scene tumbled from the sky. Nothing said, he re holstered.
(re-holstered)
Very interesting. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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Thanks for the appreciative words and nice rating. Good luck with your writings,
Comment from nor84
I found this section confusing, and have suggested some changes:
Dismounted, Trooper Dave Early lifted his horse's lower leg (off the ground--unnecessary. It's clear he had to lift it off the ground), (and) pulled his knife. ( and answered-- Speech tag not needed. The paragraph shows the speaker in action, so we know it's Dave Early) "Picked up a small stone. Easy to remove."
(this should be a new paragraph) After he deftly pried the rock from under the horse's left front shoe and showed it to his mount, he (then) held it up to the ranger(.) "There it be."-- 'Then' isn't needed. In fact, I suggest reworking that bit to avoid the adverb and smooth it out. Maybe something like: After prying the rock from the horse's foot, he showed it the animal andhere you know what I did. I will file it.
Later by your (you can use the name of the other character in the scene.)
"Good work. Mount up," said (name or rank of speaker)
(this should begin a new paragraph: G.W., Texas Ranger for 12 years and now helping the army, had been riding this territory since the Mexican War ended. That morning, the commander at Fort Belknap sent him and Early south on the Marcy wagon road to search for an overdue army paymaster.
Dave swung his leg over his saddle and lightly nudged his horse, "Let's go, Billyboy."
About ten quiet miles further (farther) south, the bored 18-year-old tried to strike up what his grandpa called 'polite palaver' with the well-respected lawman known as G.W. "You know, I named Billyboy here after my younger brother who drowned in a Carolina river. It was his 12th birthday." (it's best to avoid too much description. Is it important that this kid is bored? Is it important for him to give the details about his brother's drowning to a stranger?)
It's best to keep the story moving through drama and action, otherwise, it will bog down.
This review was meant to be helpful. If it isn't, ignore it.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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I found this section confusing, and have suggested some changes:
Dismounted, Trooper Dave Early lifted his horse's lower leg (off the ground--unnecessary. It's clear he had to lift it off the ground), (and) pulled his knife. ( and answered-- Speech tag not needed. The paragraph shows the speaker in action, so we know it's Dave Early) "Picked up a small stone. Easy to remove."
(this should be a new paragraph) After he deftly pried the rock from under the horse's left front shoe and showed it to his mount, he (then) held it up to the ranger(.) "There it be."-- 'Then' isn't needed. In fact, I suggest reworking that bit to avoid the adverb and smooth it out. Maybe something like: After prying the rock from the horse's foot, he showed it the animal andhere you know what I did. I will file it.
Later by your (you can use the name of the other character in the scene.)
"Good work. Mount up," said (name or rank of speaker)
(this should begin a new paragraph: G.W., Texas Ranger for 12 years and now helping the army, had been riding this territory since the Mexican War ended. That morning, the commander at Fort Belknap sent him and Early south on the Marcy wagon road to search for an overdue army paymaster.
Dave swung his leg over his saddle and lightly nudged his horse, "Let's go, Billyboy."
About ten quiet miles further (farther) south, the bored 18-year-old tried to strike up what his grandpa called 'polite palaver' with the well-respected lawman known as G.W. "You know, I named Billyboy here after my younger brother who drowned in a Carolina river. It was his 12th birthday." (it's best to avoid too much description. Is it important that this kid is bored? Is it important for him to give the details about his brother's drowning to a stranger?)
It's best to keep the story moving through drama and action, otherwise, it will bog down.
This review was meant to be helpful. If it isn't, ignore it.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Thank you for the suggestions and nice rating. Suggestions, even if they aren't immediately all put to use are most useful. Continued success with your own writings.
Comment from Ricky1024
This Contest Entry was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Good luck with your contest Entry.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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This Contest Entry was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Good luck with your contest Entry.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Glad you enjoyed my effort and thanks for the stars. Good luck in your own writings.
