Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "A Bear, a Wolf, and a Blue Flame"From one life to another
4 total reviews
Comment from Ricky1024
This Chapter was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Thanks for sharing.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2022
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This Chapter was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Thanks for sharing.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 26-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from nor84
coming in on a book chapter without having read the previous chapters makes it difficult to review. I saw a couple of places where I have a suggestion
You wrote, "Fall back! Fall back to the gate." I yell, searching for Becka in the chaos. I spot her arm under her opponent and rush to her side. Freeing her from the body threatening to crush her, we join the survivors running to the gate.
I recommend "Fall back! Fall back to the gate,)" I yell, searching for Becka in the chaos because the speech tag (I yell) should be connected to the sentence, not chopped off by using a period.
I saw this in one other place.
Someone once told me that my action scenes were too wordy. I can't determine that yours are, but it's worth remembering to keep action tight.
This review was meant to be helpful. If you disagree with anything I've said, that's fine.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2022
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coming in on a book chapter without having read the previous chapters makes it difficult to review. I saw a couple of places where I have a suggestion
You wrote, "Fall back! Fall back to the gate." I yell, searching for Becka in the chaos. I spot her arm under her opponent and rush to her side. Freeing her from the body threatening to crush her, we join the survivors running to the gate.
I recommend "Fall back! Fall back to the gate,)" I yell, searching for Becka in the chaos because the speech tag (I yell) should be connected to the sentence, not chopped off by using a period.
I saw this in one other place.
Someone once told me that my action scenes were too wordy. I can't determine that yours are, but it's worth remembering to keep action tight.
This review was meant to be helpful. If you disagree with anything I've said, that's fine.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2022
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Thank you it is helpful.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
liked:descrition of battle with Bloody Bear very vivid, gory, excellent battle writing / putting Hahaku out of his pain at the end. Great mercy shown, even though she hated doing it.
disliked: 'Every fallen foe becomes a step for the living, and we inch closer to being overwhelmed.' I didn't understand what you mean here. It nearly put me off continuing / have I said already or not? now you are so far in, and don't post super fast, it is hard to remember whole plot. It would be good if you started each post with short paragraph covering salient points of stoty to date - maybe 200 words?
to fix?: watch you back > watch your back / she says, "She is sorry, > she says, "I am sorry,
I was glad I persisted, as writing after beginning was really thrilling. Kate xx
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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liked:descrition of battle with Bloody Bear very vivid, gory, excellent battle writing / putting Hahaku out of his pain at the end. Great mercy shown, even though she hated doing it.
disliked: 'Every fallen foe becomes a step for the living, and we inch closer to being overwhelmed.' I didn't understand what you mean here. It nearly put me off continuing / have I said already or not? now you are so far in, and don't post super fast, it is hard to remember whole plot. It would be good if you started each post with short paragraph covering salient points of stoty to date - maybe 200 words?
to fix?: watch you back > watch your back / she says, "She is sorry, > she says, "I am sorry,
I was glad I persisted, as writing after beginning was really thrilling. Kate xx
Comment Written 26-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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Thanks for soldiering through it, Katherine. I remember you suggesting I make an introduction paragraph describing the book. I tried looking up the name you suggested, but I couldn't find an example.
I think I can use the Book summary section that showed at the start of each chapter and go into greater detail using that.
Just for clarification, the (She is sorry) is deliberate. This character speaks in the second person (But I'm still trying to get it right.) As for the (every fallen foe becomes a step for the living), The objective was to show the readers that as the dead are piling up, it gives the enemy literal steps to get over the makeshift wall. (Maybe I should edit that a little more.)
Thanks again
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You need to do something to tell the reader IONA is the POV character at the beginning. I thought it was Colton, having forgotten he was wounded. Your lead in suggests it is Colton. I have trouble following in battles, but I don't think she would have time to bandage herself. Early on need to correct---(Where) are they? At end---He (caresses) my cheek, (rubbing) away my tears.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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You need to do something to tell the reader IONA is the POV character at the beginning. I thought it was Colton, having forgotten he was wounded. Your lead in suggests it is Colton. I have trouble following in battles, but I don't think she would have time to bandage herself. Early on need to correct---(Where) are they? At end---He (caresses) my cheek, (rubbing) away my tears.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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Thanks again for your feedback Carol, it's always helpful.
