The Exchange
A final meeting, a final exchange.5 total reviews
Comment from Karyn2
This is fabulous writing! I love the intrigue and drama you built up as well as the characters. It works as a stand along short story but I'd love to read the rest of the book! Descriptive and natural flow in your writing that has so much appeal. I would love to hear a bit more detail about this dirt bag Jason and all that his actions entailed. I also felt the dialogue was natural and enjoyable between the two characters.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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This is fabulous writing! I love the intrigue and drama you built up as well as the characters. It works as a stand along short story but I'd love to read the rest of the book! Descriptive and natural flow in your writing that has so much appeal. I would love to hear a bit more detail about this dirt bag Jason and all that his actions entailed. I also felt the dialogue was natural and enjoyable between the two characters.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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Thank you so very much! I really appreciate your kind words. It makes me want to write! Several people have commented that I should expand in this. I'm really trying hard to work on another piece currently but I might come back to this one soon. Thanks again!
Comment from amahra
Very good contest entry. Just one thing that stood out below:
"Tell me if you've heard this one, Two women walk into a bar..." [Jane says after opening the double doors and seeing no one in the Lake Thomas Bar and Grill, she holsters her sidearm."] [Hm, sounds a bit awkward] But this a great contest entry. Just some editing and it's fine.
What about... ["...,Two women walk into the Lake Thomas Bar and Grill. After opening the double doors and seeing no one there, Jane holsters her sidearm and says, ..."]
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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Very good contest entry. Just one thing that stood out below:
"Tell me if you've heard this one, Two women walk into a bar..." [Jane says after opening the double doors and seeing no one in the Lake Thomas Bar and Grill, she holsters her sidearm."] [Hm, sounds a bit awkward] But this a great contest entry. Just some editing and it's fine.
What about... ["...,Two women walk into the Lake Thomas Bar and Grill. After opening the double doors and seeing no one there, Jane holsters her sidearm and says, ..."]
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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You know I have edited that sentence probably ten times and am not happy with it either. I'll revisit it again and see if I can give it one more go. Thanks very much!
Comment from Ricky1024
"The Exchange"
Was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and Flowed well with No Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned most Perfectly.
Thanks and have a Blessed Thanksgiving.
Doctor Ricky1024
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2022
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"The Exchange"
Was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and Flowed well with No Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned most Perfectly.
Thanks and have a Blessed Thanksgiving.
Doctor Ricky1024
Comment Written 24-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2022
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Thanks Ricky, your reviews are always welcome here as I think you'd actually at least hint to me if it was terrible. Hope you enjoyed it then! Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
Tara
Comment from lancellot
This is an interesting story. Good luck in the contest.
notes:
Jane cautiously walks further into the {room,} "I wasn't sure you'd be here yet."
-room.
"You took care of Jason, right?["] Essie asks.
-add
"Good. You always were thorough and on point[,]" Essie says.
- add
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2022
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This is an interesting story. Good luck in the contest.
notes:
Jane cautiously walks further into the {room,} "I wasn't sure you'd be here yet."
-room.
"You took care of Jason, right?["] Essie asks.
-add
"Good. You always were thorough and on point[,]" Essie says.
- add
Comment Written 24-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2022
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Got it. Will make the adjustments. Thanks so much for the help on the edits. It's hard for me to see them when it's freshly written.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
this is one of my favourite writing prompts on the site. I've won it three or four times and you can go in any direction you want with it.
Good stuff. There are a few technical bits & pieces to look out for. I made some notes as I read through-
"Tell me if you've heard this one, Two women walk into a bar..."- either change the comma to a period of de-capitalise Two.
Jane cautiously walks further into the room, "I wasn't sure you'd be here yet."- technically it would be farther for physical distance.
"Nice place," Jane says as she reaches the bar, holsters her gun again, - she holstered the gun when she entered and didn't take it out again so she can't holster it again.
She sees her reflection in the mirror behind the bar. Her flaxen hair is cropped at the jawline and her aviator sunglasses are perched on top of her head.- using the reflective surface or mirror as a device to give physical description is tired and cliched. try incorporating the details more organically.
"You took care of Jason, right? Essie asks - missing closing speech marks here.
Jane watches Essie continue to stack the money on the table. - she wasn't stacking it on a table, she was stacking it on the bar.
You could omit a lot of the speech tags. There's only two of them here and it's obvious who is speaking.
"Calm down. This is just your starter fund. Here, take this," Essie says, handing her a phone, "The rest is digital. - technically, the dialogue after the tag is continuing dialogue and as such should begin lower case.
When you have more than one paragraph in dialogue, each paragraph needs opening speech marks and only one set of closing ones at the very end.
"Good. You always were thorough and on point" Essie says.- need punctuation before the closing speech marks here.
I enjoyed this piece. It hints at a much larger story which is no bad thing and a lot of the details are between the lines.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2022
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Hi there,
this is one of my favourite writing prompts on the site. I've won it three or four times and you can go in any direction you want with it.
Good stuff. There are a few technical bits & pieces to look out for. I made some notes as I read through-
"Tell me if you've heard this one, Two women walk into a bar..."- either change the comma to a period of de-capitalise Two.
Jane cautiously walks further into the room, "I wasn't sure you'd be here yet."- technically it would be farther for physical distance.
"Nice place," Jane says as she reaches the bar, holsters her gun again, - she holstered the gun when she entered and didn't take it out again so she can't holster it again.
She sees her reflection in the mirror behind the bar. Her flaxen hair is cropped at the jawline and her aviator sunglasses are perched on top of her head.- using the reflective surface or mirror as a device to give physical description is tired and cliched. try incorporating the details more organically.
"You took care of Jason, right? Essie asks - missing closing speech marks here.
Jane watches Essie continue to stack the money on the table. - she wasn't stacking it on a table, she was stacking it on the bar.
You could omit a lot of the speech tags. There's only two of them here and it's obvious who is speaking.
"Calm down. This is just your starter fund. Here, take this," Essie says, handing her a phone, "The rest is digital. - technically, the dialogue after the tag is continuing dialogue and as such should begin lower case.
When you have more than one paragraph in dialogue, each paragraph needs opening speech marks and only one set of closing ones at the very end.
"Good. You always were thorough and on point" Essie says.- need punctuation before the closing speech marks here.
I enjoyed this piece. It hints at a much larger story which is no bad thing and a lot of the details are between the lines.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 24-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2022
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Thank you so much for your thorough review. I have to admit to being frustrated with myself for letting so many errors fly. I really appreciate your time and effort on this. Feel free to review anything else of mine anytime. You are one of those reviewers that make the rest of us better writers. I'll make the corrections right away.
