Hobart Flapdoodle's Ace
Flapdoodle: A noun meaning nonsense3 total reviews
Comment from teols2016
A very fun read. Glad that, despite all his misfortunes, he got what he wanted most in the end. I can definitely relate. Well done.
P.S.: He might have actually managed to do some serious saving by cutting out the OJ. I've seen how much that costs.
Good luck.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2023
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A very fun read. Glad that, despite all his misfortunes, he got what he wanted most in the end. I can definitely relate. Well done.
P.S.: He might have actually managed to do some serious saving by cutting out the OJ. I've seen how much that costs.
Good luck.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2023
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Thank you so much. I'm happy you took the time to read this long story.
Comment from humpwhistle
I will admit I didn't read the whole story--small type tires me out. But what I've read makes me believe you are a fine writer. If I has one suggestion to offer, it would be to invert your ratio of telling and showing.
More dialogue seems more engaging to me. Just one man's opinion.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2022
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I will admit I didn't read the whole story--small type tires me out. But what I've read makes me believe you are a fine writer. If I has one suggestion to offer, it would be to invert your ratio of telling and showing.
More dialogue seems more engaging to me. Just one man's opinion.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 23-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2022
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Thanks for your good review, Lee. I agree that dialog is more engaging. I've written two other stories that are mostly dialog, called "The Conversation" and "The Sky is Falling." They are both much shorter than this one.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
although it pains me to say it, I doubt you'll get many decent reviews on this. The average post on site is less than 1000 words and the site sort of cuts short stories off at about 7000 words, of which there are more here. I get what the competition rules state, but I'll bet all the other entrants (there may not be many) will be much closer to 3000.
If you want longer pieces read, you'll need to make it much more attractive to prospective readers. no one will read it in the booths for nothing or 50 cents when 100 word stories are paying out $1:30. Just the way the site works.
All that being said, I think this piece is overly long in the telling regardless of word length. The main thrust could have completed in half to two-thirds with careful editing. There's a lot of superfluous stuff in here which feels like padding and doesn't really need to be there.
is last clean pair and had previously been washed along with a new red shirt he had recently purchased and laundered for the first time.- surely he'd have figured this out in 3 years?
I didn't get the significance of flapdoddle, there's no indication as to why he was given this name.
put on his uniform�¢?"a navy blue jacket and pants as well as a cap resembling a police officer's cap�¢?"- need to edit out the code.
Hobart was very proud of his Studebaker convertible, which he was able to purchase with the money his mother had left to him on her death.- why didn't he buy an engagement ring with the money?
I would also have a look at the opening. the hook is a guy with a silly name splits his pants 3 times and gets a hole-in-one. It's not strong enough to hang the whole story around. It straightaway segues into backstory and a lot of detailing which isn't germane to the story.
Having said that, the writing is engaging and there are nice turns of phrase employed but the story needs tightening.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2022
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Hi there,
although it pains me to say it, I doubt you'll get many decent reviews on this. The average post on site is less than 1000 words and the site sort of cuts short stories off at about 7000 words, of which there are more here. I get what the competition rules state, but I'll bet all the other entrants (there may not be many) will be much closer to 3000.
If you want longer pieces read, you'll need to make it much more attractive to prospective readers. no one will read it in the booths for nothing or 50 cents when 100 word stories are paying out $1:30. Just the way the site works.
All that being said, I think this piece is overly long in the telling regardless of word length. The main thrust could have completed in half to two-thirds with careful editing. There's a lot of superfluous stuff in here which feels like padding and doesn't really need to be there.
is last clean pair and had previously been washed along with a new red shirt he had recently purchased and laundered for the first time.- surely he'd have figured this out in 3 years?
I didn't get the significance of flapdoddle, there's no indication as to why he was given this name.
put on his uniform�¢?"a navy blue jacket and pants as well as a cap resembling a police officer's cap�¢?"- need to edit out the code.
Hobart was very proud of his Studebaker convertible, which he was able to purchase with the money his mother had left to him on her death.- why didn't he buy an engagement ring with the money?
I would also have a look at the opening. the hook is a guy with a silly name splits his pants 3 times and gets a hole-in-one. It's not strong enough to hang the whole story around. It straightaway segues into backstory and a lot of detailing which isn't germane to the story.
Having said that, the writing is engaging and there are nice turns of phrase employed but the story needs tightening.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 23-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2022
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Thank you for your honest review. I will keep your remarks in mind for future stories.
Two points of clarification, though:
The word Flapdoodle means "nonsense." He got his name from his boss when he uttered what his boss felt was nonsense. The boss also used the epithet as a takeoff on Flynn Dudley.
Hobart's mother died three years earlier, and Hobart had not met Tillie yet when he bought his Studebaker.
