One Night of Unholy Fright
Dreams that haunt you when you sleep.5 total reviews
Comment from Celyn
This is a good poem about an awful dream,. It reads well except that 'the youth' should be just 'youth' in the second stanza making that line more like ' did youth do never what is right' , and the rhythm is a bit odd in places ie darkness, kindness and forgiveness make the lines a bit too long in the fourth stanza, plus the first line in the last stanza is a bit too long too. Other than that this poem swings along at a good pace - well done.
Celyn
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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This is a good poem about an awful dream,. It reads well except that 'the youth' should be just 'youth' in the second stanza making that line more like ' did youth do never what is right' , and the rhythm is a bit odd in places ie darkness, kindness and forgiveness make the lines a bit too long in the fourth stanza, plus the first line in the last stanza is a bit too long too. Other than that this poem swings along at a good pace - well done.
Celyn
Comment Written 15-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Celyn. :) I changed the line of youth. I liked yours better. The darkness, kindness, and darkness lines are 9 syllables, making them feminine so you subtract one syllable. :) The last line is fine. I thank you for pointing out mistakes. I need to learn. :)
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
It sounds like you have some pretty intense dreams! Dark angels vs those of the light who bind you with chains vs unbinding . . .
And all you want is a beer:-) At first I thought that line was odd, but then I realize that it's the simple man's way of saying, "Just leave me along and leave me to a simple life."
I liked this poem about the constant struggles to do right vs wrong.
The line: On my knees, I ask for forgiveness" - would that work if you lost the "for"? Reading "for forgiveness" makes one stumble a bit.
If you write to make the reader smile, I certainly did with the beer line:-)
Pam
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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It sounds like you have some pretty intense dreams! Dark angels vs those of the light who bind you with chains vs unbinding . . .
And all you want is a beer:-) At first I thought that line was odd, but then I realize that it's the simple man's way of saying, "Just leave me along and leave me to a simple life."
I liked this poem about the constant struggles to do right vs wrong.
The line: On my knees, I ask for forgiveness" - would that work if you lost the "for"? Reading "for forgiveness" makes one stumble a bit.
If you write to make the reader smile, I certainly did with the beer line:-)
Pam
Comment Written 15-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Pam. :) I wanted to rid myself of the "for" but if I did it would have one less syllable. Those three lines have 9 syllables each making the feminine ending. After a rough night, I wanted to smile. I'm glad it was contagious. :)
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I'm not quite sure what has scared you here but it certainly prompted you to write a fine poem! I enjoyed the dark sentiments and your well chosen words, magical, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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I'm not quite sure what has scared you here but it certainly prompted you to write a fine poem! I enjoyed the dark sentiments and your well chosen words, magical, love Dolly x
Comment Written 15-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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Dreams of all the wrongs I've done scared me, Dolly. :) One after the other. I didn't think I was that bad. I'm glad you liked it. Thank you.
Comment from Douglas Goff
"All I want is a beer" may just well be the best poetic line that I have ever read.
Seriously this is a fun poem. Seems his sin is lust as envisioned in the photo at the top. Got to stay away from those red lights districts.
This was great. Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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"All I want is a beer" may just well be the best poetic line that I have ever read.
Seriously this is a fun poem. Seems his sin is lust as envisioned in the photo at the top. Got to stay away from those red lights districts.
This was great. Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 14-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Douglas. :) I thought about placing the demons I saw, but... the ladies are much better looking. After that night, I wanted a beer and a smile. I'm glad you enjoyed my craziness.
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This was very good. You are a talent!
Comment from lyenochka
I see you did get carried away! Lol. A few lines had a wobble in the iambic meter but otherwise, you did a great job with the form. But most of all, you gave a great message from temptation in darkness to running to the Light and having the security of Heaven bought for us by Jesus!
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
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I see you did get carried away! Lol. A few lines had a wobble in the iambic meter but otherwise, you did a great job with the form. But most of all, you gave a great message from temptation in darkness to running to the Light and having the security of Heaven bought for us by Jesus!
Comment Written 14-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
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Tell me where, Helen, so I can correct and improve the poem. It has 3 feminine endings.
