Monsters In The Bedroom
A Snoring Story30 total reviews
Comment from wierdgrace
this sounds so familiar, great entry, thank you sharing it, and it will probably do great, as we all can relate, well done, funny too in many ways, good luck in the contest, I will be watching it
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
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this sounds so familiar, great entry, thank you sharing it, and it will probably do great, as we all can relate, well done, funny too in many ways, good luck in the contest, I will be watching it
Comment Written 15-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
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Thank you so much for your encouraging review!!
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you are so welcome
Comment from amahra
I loved your warning of not trying this at home.
Freddy sat for a few seconds more, then fell back again. His snore slowly rose to a crescendo[,] until it rocked the bedroom again. [no comma after crescendo.]
Ok, I loved it. But was the 9 1 1 call for his sister-in-law?
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
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I loved your warning of not trying this at home.
Freddy sat for a few seconds more, then fell back again. His snore slowly rose to a crescendo[,] until it rocked the bedroom again. [no comma after crescendo.]
Ok, I loved it. But was the 9 1 1 call for his sister-in-law?
Comment Written 15-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
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Hi,
Thanks so much for the correction and your kind review. Actually he killed the wife in just the same manner she intended to kill him, destroyed the evidence and reported to emergency that he found his wife dead when he woke up.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Murderer--er...--Writer,
As I read along I felt certain poor old Freddy was doomed well and good--all these story bits tied up in a neat bow.
The ending did surprise me-nice! But it seemed there were some things missing.
How/when did he figure things out? Why did it take so long--annndd why did the trick not work in a timely manner?
It may serve your story better to leave out some of the *redundant*, repeated parts~ like night after night with same thing happening so you could add a bit more detail for clarity.
I also kinda expected to discover that the whole plot had actually been hatched by Freddy and Angela so they could be together. Ha!!
Still worthy of a five certainly. Good luck!
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
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Dear Mystery Murderer--er...--Writer,
As I read along I felt certain poor old Freddy was doomed well and good--all these story bits tied up in a neat bow.
The ending did surprise me-nice! But it seemed there were some things missing.
How/when did he figure things out? Why did it take so long--annndd why did the trick not work in a timely manner?
It may serve your story better to leave out some of the *redundant*, repeated parts~ like night after night with same thing happening so you could add a bit more detail for clarity.
I also kinda expected to discover that the whole plot had actually been hatched by Freddy and Angela so they could be together. Ha!!
Still worthy of a five certainly. Good luck!
Comment Written 14-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
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Hello
Thank you for your great review.
The flash fiction is only up to 600 words, so it was a bit hard to insert too many details. But it seems apparent that when Freddy asked what's that...etc... he must have figured that he was being ambushed. Also there had to Bea 'suspense' so that it didn't work miraculously on the 1st attempt. But, Irma, having not slept for days(or nights), was finally exhausted and as soon as there was silence in the bedroom she just collapsed into a deep sleep, that's how it succeeded ion Freddy?s 1st attempt... also inferred is that the 'silence ' was a trap by Freddy.
The greatest idea is the one you gave me ,about that love triangle!!! I will modify the story to post it after the contest
Thanks so much for your brilliant idea!!!
Comment from GWHARGIS
Lol. This was a funny but a tad concerning. I have heard of people who snap from lack of sleep. I've heard sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. And can sometimes can lead to death. This was a unique story with a surprise twist. Gretchen
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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Lol. This was a funny but a tad concerning. I have heard of people who snap from lack of sleep. I've heard sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. And can sometimes can lead to death. This was a unique story with a surprise twist. Gretchen
Comment Written 14-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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Thank you for your review. Fortunately it's pure fiction here!
Comment from Douglas Goff
Oh goodness. That must be some bad snoring.
Okay I am confused. Was she trying to kill him or just stop the snoring?
Also if he was calling the cops on her wouldn't
He keep the rubber piece for them?
Couple of catches:
body and looked at Irma. "What's this? He asked.
(Missing the second " )
Also had toast or a piece of toast as it sounds like he is toasting
Just my two cents.
Great work! You have a knack for creating strongly detailed characters. Very nice!
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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Oh goodness. That must be some bad snoring.
Okay I am confused. Was she trying to kill him or just stop the snoring?
Also if he was calling the cops on her wouldn't
He keep the rubber piece for them?
Couple of catches:
body and looked at Irma. "What's this? He asked.
(Missing the second " )
Also had toast or a piece of toast as it sounds like he is toasting
Just my two cents.
Great work! You have a knack for creating strongly detailed characters. Very nice!
Comment Written 14-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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Ok, your comments force me to revisit the story and change a few things which might have readers confused. Thanks for pointing these to me!!!
Ok, a) she wanted to kill him, just as Angela killed her husband Ralph ( brother of Freddy... remember the dialogue about heredity etc..)
b) Freddy actually killed her as for the first time after days of sleep deprivation, she fell into a "deep and peaceful sleep ". He called 911 to report an emergency, like he found her wife dead in her sleep..
c) I will change and correct the missing words like you indicated.
So many thanks for your review. Really appreciate it!!!
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Oh yes. That needs clarification. Now that you explained it, your storyline went from great to awesome!
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I changed it. Thanks
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Nicely done!
Comment from Thomas Blanks
Your story was enjoyable and had a twist at the end. In the spirit of improving your fine story, I observed that the spacing and indenting on your paragraphs are inconsistent and may distract the reader. I suggest not using any indenting or any extra line spacing besides the normal paragraph space. If there is a scene break, insert a centered # on one line and continue. That is the accepted manuscript format. Perhaps consider adding a photo of some sort. Most authors do, but it is up to you.
Regards,
Thomas
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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Your story was enjoyable and had a twist at the end. In the spirit of improving your fine story, I observed that the spacing and indenting on your paragraphs are inconsistent and may distract the reader. I suggest not using any indenting or any extra line spacing besides the normal paragraph space. If there is a scene break, insert a centered # on one line and continue. That is the accepted manuscript format. Perhaps consider adding a photo of some sort. Most authors do, but it is up to you.
Regards,
Thomas
Comment Written 14-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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Awesome tips and advice!!! Thank you so much for your useful information and help on the formatting...
Comment from Bill Schott
I guess you never know when you are plotting a murder whether someone is plotting yours. Not that I have any experience planning homicides, of course.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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I guess you never know when you are plotting a murder whether someone is plotting yours. Not that I have any experience planning homicides, of course.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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Who knows..lol...!
Thanks so much for your review
Comment from Wendy G
LOL. I know exactly how Irma felt! Love your story, and especially the twist at the end. Just as well I didn't do anything dramatic. Lol. Wishing you the best for success in your contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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LOL. I know exactly how Irma felt! Love your story, and especially the twist at the end. Just as well I didn't do anything dramatic. Lol. Wishing you the best for success in your contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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Thanks so much for your review and yourkindwords.!!
Best of luck to you too in your writing!!
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Your rather blood-thirsty wife didn't win after all. I really thought it would work, but apparently it worked on her faster. You did surprise me. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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Your rather blood-thirsty wife didn't win after all. I really thought it would work, but apparently it worked on her faster. You did surprise me. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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Thanks so much for your review !!
Yes sometimes fiction is stranger than life!!
Comment from nomi338
If things at home become unbearable, find a way that does not involve murder. You never get away with murder. No matter what you have been told. Some people go to their graves never prosecuted for the crime of murder, yet they do not get away. They spend a part of each day waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is mental strain that resembles torture.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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If things at home become unbearable, find a way that does not involve murder. You never get away with murder. No matter what you have been told. Some people go to their graves never prosecuted for the crime of murder, yet they do not get away. They spend a part of each day waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is mental strain that resembles torture.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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Thanks so much for your review . Fortunately it is just a piece of fiction!!!
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Very good. I thought it was very clever and I was entertained.
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Thanks so much for your review !!
Yes sometimes fiction is stranger than life!!
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Thanks so much for your review !!
Yes
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Thanks so much for your review !!
Yes
