My Dream of Utopia
We all have a picture of a perfect world17 total reviews
Comment from harmony13
This poem makes me think of a world where there is peace, respect and
love for one another. The author conveys in this poem that way the world
could be. Thank you for the author's notes - for me they convey hope!
The poem flows and connects well. The artwork is awesome!
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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This poem makes me think of a world where there is peace, respect and
love for one another. The author conveys in this poem that way the world
could be. Thank you for the author's notes - for me they convey hope!
The poem flows and connects well. The artwork is awesome!
Comment Written 06-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review my poem. Glad you enjoyed it. Yes we need everyone to have hope but at the moment ther world is not a fun place. Take care and have a good day.
The poem ran third in the contest.
Barry Penfold.
Comment from royowen
If one can find a place such as this, then they indeed have found heaven, of course of their was no evil, there'd be no word for good, if none was greedy, there'd be no w/o word for generous. This is beautifully written Barry, a super job. Great rhyming, articulation and flow, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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If one can find a place such as this, then they indeed have found heaven, of course of their was no evil, there'd be no word for good, if none was greedy, there'd be no w/o word for generous. This is beautifully written Barry, a super job. Great rhyming, articulation and flow, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 05-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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Roy,
Thanks for the great review. Yes I think we would all like to find a place like this. At least we can try . Have a great day and take care.
Regards
Barry
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Well done
Comment from Mariana Convery
The quatrains flow beautifully and the theme abundantly clear. The title, picture, and words paint a gorgeous picture of that elusive paradise we're all searching for. Excellent job. Reminds me of "Imagine" by the Beetles.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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The quatrains flow beautifully and the theme abundantly clear. The title, picture, and words paint a gorgeous picture of that elusive paradise we're all searching for. Excellent job. Reminds me of "Imagine" by the Beetles.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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Mariana,
Thanks for taking time to read and review my poem. I guess we would all like to find a place like this. Like your analogy with "Imagine". It does have similar sentiments. Please take care and have a good day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from bob cullen
This is beautifully written. For me however there was one minor disappointment. After reading the title I was waiting to see you find a word rhyming with Utopia. Really though, I did enjoy your rhyming poem.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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This is beautifully written. For me however there was one minor disappointment. After reading the title I was waiting to see you find a word rhyming with Utopia. Really though, I did enjoy your rhyming poem.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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Bob,
Thanks for taking time to read and review my poem. Ha Ha I will try to right a poem that has a use for a rhyming word to Utopia. I am sure I will find something. Take care and have a great day.
Regards
Barry
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
We can wish for life to become better each day. The world needs peace for sure; to keep things looking wonderful that means we must stop the attacks which occur. I'm thinking of Ukraine as I write this comment. Democracy is important.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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We can wish for life to become better each day. The world needs peace for sure; to keep things looking wonderful that means we must stop the attacks which occur. I'm thinking of Ukraine as I write this comment. Democracy is important.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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Rosemary,
Thanks for taking the time to read and review my poem. Yes you are correct, the world does need peace- very badly. Lets hope that somehow it will happen. Take care and have a good day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Write Right Writer
Wow!
This is an excellent poem that should do well in the contest. It is indeed a utopian glimpse of a dream world to which we are powerfully drawn. Whatever the outcome of the rhyming contest, congratulations for a "winner of a poem" are in order. Nicely done.
"My Dream of Utopia" is a powerful title choice; one that you channel and direct well. It creates a strong and clear theme for your poem; a theme to which you remain fully committed from beginning to end.
Your commitment to the, "If all..." opening for every stanza sharpens and enhances the laser-like focus of your content. Every word of every line contains only content that serves your theme. Kudos for this!
The pace is comfortable and your flow is steady. Opening with "young" and "spring" and closing with "behind" and "forever" provides a focused intention that creates a clear path for us; a strong direction to follow.
Your abcb rhyming pattern is flawless and rhythm and meter of your iambic tetrameter is strong as well. Good job.
In terms of suggestions for improvement, the ONLY comment I have is related to a few tiny, and virtually imperceptible glitches in the meter flow. I notice that the word, "and" found at the start of Line 4 in Stanza 3 and in Line 4 of Stanza 4 actually falls on the fourth beat of the preceding line (Line 3). I'm wondering if moving the word, "and" from their current position as the first word of Line 4 to the last word of Line 3 would makes sense in both instances.
This happens again in Line 4 of Stanza 5 with the word,"in" and I would recommend the same remedy. I trust these are a helpful observations and that I have not overstepped. If you have questions or need additional clarification, don't hesitate to reply.
In closing... I very much enjoyed your poem. Thank you for sharing it with us. Take a (well-deserved) bow!
Blessings...
Curt (WRW)
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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Wow!
This is an excellent poem that should do well in the contest. It is indeed a utopian glimpse of a dream world to which we are powerfully drawn. Whatever the outcome of the rhyming contest, congratulations for a "winner of a poem" are in order. Nicely done.
"My Dream of Utopia" is a powerful title choice; one that you channel and direct well. It creates a strong and clear theme for your poem; a theme to which you remain fully committed from beginning to end.
Your commitment to the, "If all..." opening for every stanza sharpens and enhances the laser-like focus of your content. Every word of every line contains only content that serves your theme. Kudos for this!
The pace is comfortable and your flow is steady. Opening with "young" and "spring" and closing with "behind" and "forever" provides a focused intention that creates a clear path for us; a strong direction to follow.
Your abcb rhyming pattern is flawless and rhythm and meter of your iambic tetrameter is strong as well. Good job.
In terms of suggestions for improvement, the ONLY comment I have is related to a few tiny, and virtually imperceptible glitches in the meter flow. I notice that the word, "and" found at the start of Line 4 in Stanza 3 and in Line 4 of Stanza 4 actually falls on the fourth beat of the preceding line (Line 3). I'm wondering if moving the word, "and" from their current position as the first word of Line 4 to the last word of Line 3 would makes sense in both instances.
This happens again in Line 4 of Stanza 5 with the word,"in" and I would recommend the same remedy. I trust these are a helpful observations and that I have not overstepped. If you have questions or need additional clarification, don't hesitate to reply.
In closing... I very much enjoyed your poem. Thank you for sharing it with us. Take a (well-deserved) bow!
Blessings...
Curt (WRW)
Comment Written 04-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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Curt,
Thanks for taking the time to read and review my poem. Also thanks for providing perhaps the most comprehensive review that I have ever received .I appreciate that as well. I will consider your suggestions. The poem actually ran in Third and I am pleased with that result. The winning poem was indeed an excellent poem.
Take care and have a great day.
Barry Penfold.
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I saw that... Congratulations on placing in the contest, Barry, Take a well-deserved bow!
(and I told you my comments were imperceptible--only poetry meter nerds like me who actually count beats and pay attention to iambs and trochees when analyzing poetry would even notice)
Comment from Bill Schott
This poem, My Dream Utopia, has a fine collection of sterling hypotheticals, BUT, all are IFs and nothing THEN. Essentially, you present a large, rambling scenario with no payoff.
If frogs had wings, then yada yada yada.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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This poem, My Dream Utopia, has a fine collection of sterling hypotheticals, BUT, all are IFs and nothing THEN. Essentially, you present a large, rambling scenario with no payoff.
If frogs had wings, then yada yada yada.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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Bill,
Take your point. The world is full of IF`S. Perhaps next time I concentrate on THEN`S. You have a great day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
That's a lot of "ifs." and I would love to see that day but until we cross back over from whence we came it ain't happening.
In line ten, a space is needed after bitterness, ...
And I would have loved to see one additional stanza telling me how life would be if all those 'ifs' were met.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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That's a lot of "ifs." and I would love to see that day but until we cross back over from whence we came it ain't happening.
In line ten, a space is needed after bitterness, ...
And I would have loved to see one additional stanza telling me how life would be if all those 'ifs' were met.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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Tom,
the world is full of if`s. I wish there was a more positive vibe. Lets hope things will improve. I take your point on the space needed after bitterness. Thanks. Take care and have a good day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Wendy G
Absolutely true, nothing wrong with wishing for a better and kinder world, and you have expressed this yearning well in your beautiful smoothly rhymed poem. Thank you - and best wishes.
Wendy
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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Absolutely true, nothing wrong with wishing for a better and kinder world, and you have expressed this yearning well in your beautiful smoothly rhymed poem. Thank you - and best wishes.
Wendy
Comment Written 04-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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Wendy,
Thanks for reading and reviewing my poem. For your information it ran in third in the contest. I will keep wishing for a better world. It has a long way to go at the moment. Take care and have a good day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
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Congratulations. Very well done.
Wendy
Comment from jake cosmos aller
lovely and moving poem about the search for utopia and what a perfect world would look and feel like if we ever achieved the promised land. Well done.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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lovely and moving poem about the search for utopia and what a perfect world would look and feel like if we ever achieved the promised land. Well done.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2022
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Jake,
Thanks for reading and reviewing my poem. We have some way in achieving the promised land but one must keep striving. Take care and have a great day.
