NYC Carriage Horse
This is a personification poem.5 total reviews
Comment from Fanxy3
Love the flow of this poem. As far as critiques, I would revisit some of my comma placements. (ie: "My name is Ryder" sounds like a statement, not necessarily a continuation of a thought. Thank you so much for sharing!
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2022
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Love the flow of this poem. As far as critiques, I would revisit some of my comma placements. (ie: "My name is Ryder" sounds like a statement, not necessarily a continuation of a thought. Thank you so much for sharing!
Comment Written 01-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Fanxy3. Also
thank you for the 4 star review. All the best to you
Comment from susand3022
Hello Author,
I like the story in your poem, and the fact that your stanzas aren't all the same length shows that you weren't in a hurry to finish it just because the 'stanza was done' which is good.
I do think that you need to pay a bit more attention to your line length. I realize that you're telling a story, and it's easy just to cut a sentence in parts to fit the rhyme. However, leaving your rhyming word as a 1-word line, in a poem such as this is out of place. You don't necessarily have to find a true rhythm in a free verse poem, but it helps to have lines of similar length while reading, I think... personally anyway.
As to the rhymes, there are a lot of liberties taken here... a lot of what we call 'slant' rhymes, which is fine if you want to use them.
I have a place I like to go online called, Rhyme Zone. It gives you rhymes for words that you want, and if it's a word with difficult rhymes, like "dignity," then it will give you synonyms for the word you want, and you can choose another word to use.
Again, it's a really cool story. Good luck with the contest! Susan :)
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2022
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Hello Author,
I like the story in your poem, and the fact that your stanzas aren't all the same length shows that you weren't in a hurry to finish it just because the 'stanza was done' which is good.
I do think that you need to pay a bit more attention to your line length. I realize that you're telling a story, and it's easy just to cut a sentence in parts to fit the rhyme. However, leaving your rhyming word as a 1-word line, in a poem such as this is out of place. You don't necessarily have to find a true rhythm in a free verse poem, but it helps to have lines of similar length while reading, I think... personally anyway.
As to the rhymes, there are a lot of liberties taken here... a lot of what we call 'slant' rhymes, which is fine if you want to use them.
I have a place I like to go online called, Rhyme Zone. It gives you rhymes for words that you want, and if it's a word with difficult rhymes, like "dignity," then it will give you synonyms for the word you want, and you can choose another word to use.
Again, it's a really cool story. Good luck with the contest! Susan :)
Comment Written 01-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2022
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Thank you so much, Susan.
Thank you for the 5 stars
and structuring the poem
advice. Many blessings to
you.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I remember reading about this magnificent horse the day
he collapsed, Mystery Author. You did a great job sharing
his story from his POV. Those owners and businesspeople
should be ashamed they treated him (an others) so poorly.
It's all about chasing the dollar rather than caring for the
horses that made the money for them. Good job with the
rhymes, the smooth flow, and of course, the storyline.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes in the contest Jan
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2022
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I remember reading about this magnificent horse the day
he collapsed, Mystery Author. You did a great job sharing
his story from his POV. Those owners and businesspeople
should be ashamed they treated him (an others) so poorly.
It's all about chasing the dollar rather than caring for the
horses that made the money for them. Good job with the
rhymes, the smooth flow, and of course, the storyline.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes in the contest Jan
Comment Written 01-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Jan. Ryder was
too old to be a carriage horse
and it took him to collapse
for them to figure that out.
I feel carriage horse rides
should be banned, especially
if the weather is very hot or
very cold. Horse racing
and Tennessee Walking horse competitions should
be abolished too. The one
good thing about Ryder's
hard life is he was retired
finally, and passed away on
a farm. Many blessings to
you.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
I love the time period in New York that you're talking about. It's amazing how folks survived back then and the living conditions they endured. I'm working on a novel about it, actually.
But - at the moment - your poem does not meet the requirements stated in the contest description. They ask for a rhyme in at least every other line. Most of your stanzas do this, but not the first one. It needs to be edited before going to booth.
Also, as a side note to help - I would strongly recommend structuring your stanzas so that it's easier to SEE those rhymes AND so that your poem will definitely qualify. EX:
I would sorely amble into my
stall,
as my fellow horses nickered
to me they wearied of it all,
We in the animal kingdom
have our dignity,
we have such tolerance in our
benignity.
--> the way this is structured, every other line DOES NOT rhyme.
Consider something like this:
I would sorely amble into my stall,
as my fellow horses nickered to me they wearied of it all,
We in the animal kingdom have our dignity,
we have such tolerance in our benignity.
So it is much more clear where the rhymes fall. Make sense?
Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2022
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Dear Mystery Writer,
I love the time period in New York that you're talking about. It's amazing how folks survived back then and the living conditions they endured. I'm working on a novel about it, actually.
But - at the moment - your poem does not meet the requirements stated in the contest description. They ask for a rhyme in at least every other line. Most of your stanzas do this, but not the first one. It needs to be edited before going to booth.
Also, as a side note to help - I would strongly recommend structuring your stanzas so that it's easier to SEE those rhymes AND so that your poem will definitely qualify. EX:
I would sorely amble into my
stall,
as my fellow horses nickered
to me they wearied of it all,
We in the animal kingdom
have our dignity,
we have such tolerance in our
benignity.
--> the way this is structured, every other line DOES NOT rhyme.
Consider something like this:
I would sorely amble into my stall,
as my fellow horses nickered to me they wearied of it all,
We in the animal kingdom have our dignity,
we have such tolerance in our benignity.
So it is much more clear where the rhymes fall. Make sense?
Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 01-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2022
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Hi Robyn, thank you so much
for the grammar advice. I
think I got it corrected. Thank
you for the-advice. Many
blessings to you. ~
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
Given the constraints of the contest, I think you did a good job meeting the requirements. The pattern of rhyming every other line requirement, I thought, interfered with the flow of this poem, but the rhymes themselves seems natural and not forced. The rhythm, however, did seem somewhat incompatible. I don't know if that can be fixed by restructuring the stanzas or by punctuation. I hope these comments are helpful, but I fear they are more an illustration of my own ignorance about poetry. I love to read poetry aloud, as it seems like music to me and sometimes it sings. I love your description of the work horse and I agree with your message, all work horses deserve to retire to an upstate farm before they die.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2022
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Given the constraints of the contest, I think you did a good job meeting the requirements. The pattern of rhyming every other line requirement, I thought, interfered with the flow of this poem, but the rhymes themselves seems natural and not forced. The rhythm, however, did seem somewhat incompatible. I don't know if that can be fixed by restructuring the stanzas or by punctuation. I hope these comments are helpful, but I fear they are more an illustration of my own ignorance about poetry. I love to read poetry aloud, as it seems like music to me and sometimes it sings. I love your description of the work horse and I agree with your message, all work horses deserve to retire to an upstate farm before they die.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2022
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Hi Olivanne, Thank you for
stopping by and the 5 star
review. I'm still learning and
I have to post on FS with my
cellphone. I always welcome
other poets' advice and
constructive criticism. Many
blessings to you.
