The Best Time of Ohmie's Life
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Best Time of Ohmie's Life, pt 18"Dying of cancer, Ohmie learns his parents are spie
9 total reviews
Comment from Michaela Moore
I love the actions and plot of this novel as always. And the characters are strong and such likable people. I have a suggestion for you but I truly do not want to discourage you. As the novel moves along, we get less and less dialogue. This would be golden if you told of less actions in each chapter (making more chapters overall) and took the time to show all of the actions instead of telling them to us in a hurried fashion. I wanted to hear Ohmie and his dad talking about what Ohmie did. I also wanted to hear the mom in a discussion tell about what has been happening to her. I wish all of the actions in this book were shown in more detail so I could envision it. Don't be afraid of length. Ohmie is his best in dialogue and his thoughts about what people say and what people do. For example, the scene where Ohmie shot the two guys and tried to save him and find out about his mom and then his escape could have been slowed down and more detail and been a chapter on its own. How does Ohmie feel about what he is doing and turning into? Anyway, Wayne I so respect you, your wife, and both of your talent and just want to help. You can totally ignore me. I am still your biggest fan.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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I love the actions and plot of this novel as always. And the characters are strong and such likable people. I have a suggestion for you but I truly do not want to discourage you. As the novel moves along, we get less and less dialogue. This would be golden if you told of less actions in each chapter (making more chapters overall) and took the time to show all of the actions instead of telling them to us in a hurried fashion. I wanted to hear Ohmie and his dad talking about what Ohmie did. I also wanted to hear the mom in a discussion tell about what has been happening to her. I wish all of the actions in this book were shown in more detail so I could envision it. Don't be afraid of length. Ohmie is his best in dialogue and his thoughts about what people say and what people do. For example, the scene where Ohmie shot the two guys and tried to save him and find out about his mom and then his escape could have been slowed down and more detail and been a chapter on its own. How does Ohmie feel about what he is doing and turning into? Anyway, Wayne I so respect you, your wife, and both of your talent and just want to help. You can totally ignore me. I am still your biggest fan.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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You are absolutely right. I get wrapped up in the plot and hurry it. Chapters 15 and 16 were Dad in Minsk, but then I could have restored the initial flavor of the story doing exactly as you suggest. I just looked at 19 and it has returned to dialogue, but could use more, I'm sure. I'll have to think about how to do Mom-Dad conversation using Ohmie first person.
I've used my quota of reviewer nominations, but as soon as I get more, you will get the first, even if I put to a review that just says "Hello, Wayne."
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Here's an example of what you convinced me to do:
?FranÁais,? I insisted as commandingly as I could. ?Pardonne-moi s'il te plait. J'ai un cancer.? I repeated more slowly. ?Pardonne, cancer.̋ I pointed to myself. ̋ ?Ma-ma FranÁais. Pa-pa Ukraine. Ded.? I drew my finger across my throat. Then I guess the bozo wasn?t satisfied, so I did what any thirteen-year-old American kid would do. I started blubbering in a half whiney, half crying slobber. It wasn?t long before they shuffled me off to a room where in a few minutes there was a man who spoke French. I convinced him that I was really French, adding that my good-for-nothing father had been put to death by some patriotic Rushkie. I just needed to go to my godfather, please; that I had lymphoma and might pass out any minute. I guess I was convincing. They all wanted to be rid of me.
Comment from Susan Newell
Wayne,
Ohmie is quite the little spy. Still trailing along behind him, only slightly dazed and confused.
Sue
guys who were enterring his and ==> entering
So I took my own off and clasped them together. -- buckled?
But I'd be a sagger getting out of here. -- Don't understand this.
The magazines wouldn't fit the Baretta, ==> Beretta
where I was conceived. (ha-ha) I smiled --I think ==> (Ha-ha.)
Did I need anything. ==> ?
Me, I wanted to, one: look at what was on Dad's thumb drive, the one that was still in Deutsche bank. And two: I wanted to go to Minsk and get into Deus Comtec. -- I would punctuate as follows, and not repeat I wanted. I also wouldn't split the infinitive
Me, I wanted: one, to look at what was on Dad's thumb drive, the one that was still in Deutsche bank; and two, to go to Minsk and get into Deus Comtec. [Nor sure where Ohmie-speak enters and leaves.]
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Wayne,
Ohmie is quite the little spy. Still trailing along behind him, only slightly dazed and confused.
Sue
guys who were enterring his and ==> entering
So I took my own off and clasped them together. -- buckled?
But I'd be a sagger getting out of here. -- Don't understand this.
The magazines wouldn't fit the Baretta, ==> Beretta
where I was conceived. (ha-ha) I smiled --I think ==> (Ha-ha.)
Did I need anything. ==> ?
Me, I wanted to, one: look at what was on Dad's thumb drive, the one that was still in Deutsche bank. And two: I wanted to go to Minsk and get into Deus Comtec. -- I would punctuate as follows, and not repeat I wanted. I also wouldn't split the infinitive
Me, I wanted: one, to look at what was on Dad's thumb drive, the one that was still in Deutsche bank; and two, to go to Minsk and get into Deus Comtec. [Nor sure where Ohmie-speak enters and leaves.]
Comment Written 26-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Thank you for the great review.
I'm plum embarrasses over some of my flub-ups.
And yes, Ohmie-speak covers me a little bit. lol
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Everyone flubs. I'm always pleased when someone points mine out.
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I forgot - a 'sagger' is a person (male) who lets his beltless britches sag over his posterior. I saw one just yesterday whose pants fell to his ankles.
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Ah. Now I get it. Up here in rural NH we don't tolerate such behavior. Besides, the winters are too cold for that.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
The story here is worth a six. It's excellent, and perfectly paced, with no loopholes I could detect. BUT, the editing matters a lot to me, as you know, and this one was a bit spotty with slightly dodgy tense choice. Kate xx
Just a few of the things I noted, to consider:
I'm learning a lot > I was learning a lot
back to the states > (hate to query an American on this, but maybe?) back to the States
guarded (read babysat while they trapped Dad). > guarded (read babysat) while they trapped Dad.
but merely used to upload > but was merely used to upload
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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The story here is worth a six. It's excellent, and perfectly paced, with no loopholes I could detect. BUT, the editing matters a lot to me, as you know, and this one was a bit spotty with slightly dodgy tense choice. Kate xx
Just a few of the things I noted, to consider:
I'm learning a lot > I was learning a lot
back to the states > (hate to query an American on this, but maybe?) back to the States
guarded (read babysat while they trapped Dad). > guarded (read babysat) while they trapped Dad.
but merely used to upload > but was merely used to upload
Comment Written 25-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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Very valid grammatical points, but I'm keeping the first person narrative in Ohmie's speech patterns.
Thank you for the very nice review.
Comment from lyenochka
Ohmie is quite remarkable! I am impressed that he could take down those assassins, tie them up, and then make sure they remained alive even asking for the ambulance for them.
When he arrives at the chateau, I wished I could hear the dialogue directly between him and the owner.
You might have fixed already...
were enterring his ans his (entering his and)
Me, I wanted to, one: look at what was on Dad's thumb drive, the one that was still in Deutsche bank. And two: I wanted to go to Minsk and get into Deus Comtec. (wondered if there should be a colon after "to" and the list should follow it. Me, I wanted to: 1) look... and 2) . I am not sure about this one.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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Ohmie is quite remarkable! I am impressed that he could take down those assassins, tie them up, and then make sure they remained alive even asking for the ambulance for them.
When he arrives at the chateau, I wished I could hear the dialogue directly between him and the owner.
You might have fixed already...
were enterring his ans his (entering his and)
Me, I wanted to, one: look at what was on Dad's thumb drive, the one that was still in Deutsche bank. And two: I wanted to go to Minsk and get into Deus Comtec. (wondered if there should be a colon after "to" and the list should follow it. Me, I wanted to: 1) look... and 2) . I am not sure about this one.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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I might have gotten lazy in the writing. I'll go back and see if I can dialogue the chateau part. Thanks.
The assassins, Ohmie just shot in the back - dead. The tying was to treat the chest wound of a CIA agent that the assassins shot in the right side of his chest.
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Oh! I misunderstood. No wonder his count compared to his dad was so high.
Comment from Judy Lawless
Well this chapter is certainly all about Ohmie, Wayne! He appears to be taking over the plot, killing more bad guys, making plans without his parents. Wow! Lots of action and suspense, leaving us asking, 'what next?' Well done.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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Well this chapter is certainly all about Ohmie, Wayne! He appears to be taking over the plot, killing more bad guys, making plans without his parents. Wow! Lots of action and suspense, leaving us asking, 'what next?' Well done.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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Thank you. Yes, I labored through the Dad chapters as well. (The problem of writing in first person)
And thank you immensely for the six stars.
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You're most welcome, Wayne.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I give you high marks for being able to produce a new chapter each week - I would struggle, I think, to stay focused. As always, good action and you're moving the story along. There are quite a few spelling and grammar issues, and I started to make a list, but it became distracting and I preferred to just read the story. You may want to take another look at editing.
Until next week:-)
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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I give you high marks for being able to produce a new chapter each week - I would struggle, I think, to stay focused. As always, good action and you're moving the story along. There are quite a few spelling and grammar issues, and I started to make a list, but it became distracting and I preferred to just read the story. You may want to take another look at editing.
Until next week:-)
Comment Written 25-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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I will - take another look.
Thank you for the review.
(The book is completed)
Comment from Wendy G
Surprising that the hotel receptionist believed his story and was willing to take him in and look after him - but just as well! I feel sorry that a kid is having to shoot people but at least he's also able to save a life.
Well written.
Wendy
Suggestion " .... back (not "Back") to Berlin"
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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Surprising that the hotel receptionist believed his story and was willing to take him in and look after him - but just as well! I feel sorry that a kid is having to shoot people but at least he's also able to save a life.
Well written.
Wendy
Suggestion " .... back (not "Back") to Berlin"
Comment Written 25-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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It was a small resort and off season.
Thank you for the review.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
For a really sick kid, Ohmie is certainly good at making plans and getting away with them. I do so enjoy your stories about Ohmie. They are so creative and full of action.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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For a really sick kid, Ohmie is certainly good at making plans and getting away with them. I do so enjoy your stories about Ohmie. They are so creative and full of action.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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Thank you. Yes there is a degree of turning off reality a bit with Ohmie's condition.
Comment from Brandon Clark
Very well written! Makes me want to get caught up and keep up with this storyline. Spectacular job and thank you for sharing it with us!! Your way with prose is on full display here!
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2022
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Very well written! Makes me want to get caught up and keep up with this storyline. Spectacular job and thank you for sharing it with us!! Your way with prose is on full display here!
Comment Written 24-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2022
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Thank you for the great review.
