The Best Time of Ohmie's Life
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Best Time of Ohmie's Life pt 17"Dying of cancer, Ohmie learns his parents are spie
9 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Working as a spy has certainly revived Ohmie, at least for this part of the plot. he may be being too brave if he steps into that room, but then he is a good shot and has a gun.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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Working as a spy has certainly revived Ohmie, at least for this part of the plot. he may be being too brave if he steps into that room, but then he is a good shot and has a gun.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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smiley face here (the great equalizer)
Comment from Ric Myworld
Another dangerous situation for Ohmie, but 13 shots will take out a few. Then, drop the pistol and run like heck. Of course, I can't imagine anyone being fast enough to outrun a speedy bullet. LOL. Thanks for sharing another fun and entertaining chapter.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2022
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Another dangerous situation for Ohmie, but 13 shots will take out a few. Then, drop the pistol and run like heck. Of course, I can't imagine anyone being fast enough to outrun a speedy bullet. LOL. Thanks for sharing another fun and entertaining chapter.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2022
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Thanks. Adrenaline is powerful stuff.
Prob'ly not enough up against lymphoma, though.
Thanks for the review.
Comment from Michaela Moore
Yay! Ohmie alone and in action! I am so stoked. I have been waiting and hoping for this to happen. I hope the next chapter is a humdinger of fun! I have one little question about this chapter. You wrote..."I didn't even know I had cancer; I was so sick with worry about Mom." What about instead, "I forgot I had cancer; I was so sick with worry about Mom." I am not sure why, but I had trouble understanding this sentence until I read it about three times. Just a little suggestion that you can ignore.
Also, I can't stop thinking about the question you asked me about getting it published. Here is my two cents: after you complete the book for FanStory, decide if you would rather it be sold to a publisher for older teens (high school and college) or if you would rather it be sold to middle readers (5th through 8th grade). Once you decide that, then you will have to go in, whichever way you decide, and do some heavy tweaking. If you want it to go toward older, then make Ohmie (with the same personality and humor) 17 years old, still with cancer...maybe worried that he won't make it to graduation. Then make the story a bit darker in places. Slow down a lot of the action scenes with more dialogue and more specific, descriptive action. If you decide to try and sell it to middle readers, then what you have to do is again slow it down as above, but tweak a lot of it toward more of the middle school mentality. Either way, you need to add more of Ohmie's life outside of this adventure. A friend or two (maybe even a girl friend if he is older) that he is having trouble being away from. That he has flashback to when something happening reminds him of something from his "normal" life. In order to make YA readers care about him and want to read your book, this part is important. There should be more of a struggle in Ohmie about what he now knows about his parents and what he thought his life was and how everything seems a little tainted and ruined. Ohmie receives it all and blemishes in too well for the teenagers today no matter what age they are. The relationship with him and the parents has to be rockier because of all of this. Even when he plays along (like dressing like a girl) he is bitter because he can never quite like this. Just my 2 cents. You can utterly ignore all of it. I, myself, love what you have written. I am so engaged and entertained by it. But the lense for teenagers is so different.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2022
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Yay! Ohmie alone and in action! I am so stoked. I have been waiting and hoping for this to happen. I hope the next chapter is a humdinger of fun! I have one little question about this chapter. You wrote..."I didn't even know I had cancer; I was so sick with worry about Mom." What about instead, "I forgot I had cancer; I was so sick with worry about Mom." I am not sure why, but I had trouble understanding this sentence until I read it about three times. Just a little suggestion that you can ignore.
Also, I can't stop thinking about the question you asked me about getting it published. Here is my two cents: after you complete the book for FanStory, decide if you would rather it be sold to a publisher for older teens (high school and college) or if you would rather it be sold to middle readers (5th through 8th grade). Once you decide that, then you will have to go in, whichever way you decide, and do some heavy tweaking. If you want it to go toward older, then make Ohmie (with the same personality and humor) 17 years old, still with cancer...maybe worried that he won't make it to graduation. Then make the story a bit darker in places. Slow down a lot of the action scenes with more dialogue and more specific, descriptive action. If you decide to try and sell it to middle readers, then what you have to do is again slow it down as above, but tweak a lot of it toward more of the middle school mentality. Either way, you need to add more of Ohmie's life outside of this adventure. A friend or two (maybe even a girl friend if he is older) that he is having trouble being away from. That he has flashback to when something happening reminds him of something from his "normal" life. In order to make YA readers care about him and want to read your book, this part is important. There should be more of a struggle in Ohmie about what he now knows about his parents and what he thought his life was and how everything seems a little tainted and ruined. Ohmie receives it all and blemishes in too well for the teenagers today no matter what age they are. The relationship with him and the parents has to be rockier because of all of this. Even when he plays along (like dressing like a girl) he is bitter because he can never quite like this. Just my 2 cents. You can utterly ignore all of it. I, myself, love what you have written. I am so engaged and entertained by it. But the lense for teenagers is so different.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2022
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Wow! What a great contribution, great insight. You really 'are' a high school teacher, as well as you know teen mentality. You are absolutely right on every point, I'm sure. As it is, it's a heavily outlined adult novella.
Thanks for the 'forgot' change.
Comment from Wendy G
Oh no. I can't figure how he will manage now, totally on his own and with poor health and little strength. He's got courage and wits - will that be enough. You left us hanging again . . . .
Great work.
Wendy
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2022
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Oh no. I can't figure how he will manage now, totally on his own and with poor health and little strength. He's got courage and wits - will that be enough. You left us hanging again . . . .
Great work.
Wendy
Comment Written 22-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2022
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smiley face here!
Thank you for a fun review.
Comment from lyenochka
Oh no! Well, for a sick youth, Ohmie sure is brave, adventuresome and very well armed. I guess he's not going to wait on the "Paul" character to show up. Can he take these two assassins by himself?
Comments:
I glanced through my eyebrows over the top of the book. (This was hard to imagine unless poor Ohmie dressed as a girl had Grouch Marx eyebrows.)
He was tanned, but Caucasian, (I was told last year by one reviewer that "Caucasian" isn't the right word anymore. Just "white." Actually, since this takes place in Europe, "Caucasian" could end up meaning something quite different - like an Armenian or Central Asian.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2022
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Oh no! Well, for a sick youth, Ohmie sure is brave, adventuresome and very well armed. I guess he's not going to wait on the "Paul" character to show up. Can he take these two assassins by himself?
Comments:
I glanced through my eyebrows over the top of the book. (This was hard to imagine unless poor Ohmie dressed as a girl had Grouch Marx eyebrows.)
He was tanned, but Caucasian, (I was told last year by one reviewer that "Caucasian" isn't the right word anymore. Just "white." Actually, since this takes place in Europe, "Caucasian" could end up meaning something quite different - like an Armenian or Central Asian.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2022
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Hmmm. I love to learn stuff. thank you.
And thank you for the review.
Comment from Judy Lawless
Ohmie's a pretty tough kid, Wayne. Now he's on his own, since his mom was snagged, but he's pretty sharp for a kid with cancer. This was another exciting read. Well done.
One thing: "Someone separated Mom and I(me)..." - a common mistake, but if you switched the pronouns around would you say separated I and Mom? :)
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2022
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Ohmie's a pretty tough kid, Wayne. Now he's on his own, since his mom was snagged, but he's pretty sharp for a kid with cancer. This was another exciting read. Well done.
One thing: "Someone separated Mom and I(me)..." - a common mistake, but if you switched the pronouns around would you say separated I and Mom? :)
Comment Written 21-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2022
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Thank you.
But remember, it's first person 13-year-old rebellious boy.
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You're welcome, Wayne. I thought about that, but I'm inclined to think he'd say me and Mom. lol
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Looked at it again. You convinced me. Went with it. Thank you!
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This story races faster and faster, and this time you left us with a humdinger of a cliff-hanger. Can Ohmie really prevail against all odds in his current state of health? I feel the only card he has in his hand is the one of disguise. Looks as though those men will have trouble working out who he is. Good going. Kate xx
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2022
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This story races faster and faster, and this time you left us with a humdinger of a cliff-hanger. Can Ohmie really prevail against all odds in his current state of health? I feel the only card he has in his hand is the one of disguise. Looks as though those men will have trouble working out who he is. Good going. Kate xx
Comment Written 21-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2022
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Thank you! I was glad to get back into the Ohmie action.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I don't trust anyone in this story, and it appears Ohmie doesn't either. He's learned well from his parents. I just wish the kid would catch a break so that someone else can do the heavy lifting for a while - he's sick, people!!
The sentence where you say, "they looked like Romanians, Turks, Bosnians." Why is that in blue?
"Go ahead, Bosnia, just even look at my boobs . . ." Since those thoughts aren't actually speech, I'd put them in italics so that it's clear that they are thoughts.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2022
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I don't trust anyone in this story, and it appears Ohmie doesn't either. He's learned well from his parents. I just wish the kid would catch a break so that someone else can do the heavy lifting for a while - he's sick, people!!
The sentence where you say, "they looked like Romanians, Turks, Bosnians." Why is that in blue?
"Go ahead, Bosnia, just even look at my boobs . . ." Since those thoughts aren't actually speech, I'd put them in italics so that it's clear that they are thoughts.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2022
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No idea why FS highlighted those names. I didn't. I'll try to fix them.
Yes, I fixed the boobs, I mean the thoughts. (sorry, couldn't help myself. My wife says I'm sometimes twelve.) smiley face here
Thank you for the review.
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Hahaha! My husband says I'm sometimes twelve!
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LOL! (I really did!)
Comment from Susan Newell
Wayne,
This is an interesting turn of events. Are the men there to save him or capture him? We'll have to wait to find out! Reads very much like Ohmie would report it, with a few awkwardly written parts.
Sue
"Go ahead, Bosnia, just even look at my boobs and I'll plug ya both. Oh, I forgot to tell you that I had the Baretta in the small of my back. Well, tucked into my belt in back. My back is all small nowadays.--missing closing quotes; are these thoughts?; if so, italics?
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2022
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Wayne,
This is an interesting turn of events. Are the men there to save him or capture him? We'll have to wait to find out! Reads very much like Ohmie would report it, with a few awkwardly written parts.
Sue
"Go ahead, Bosnia, just even look at my boobs and I'll plug ya both. Oh, I forgot to tell you that I had the Baretta in the small of my back. Well, tucked into my belt in back. My back is all small nowadays.--missing closing quotes; are these thoughts?; if so, italics?
Comment Written 21-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2022
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Thank you. I'll go try to figure it out.
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Well, you'd better! How else will we know? :-)
