Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Hold the line"From one life to another
5 total reviews
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
LIKED: Tightly focused writing. Super-fast pace was excellent for a battle.
DISLIKED: Lack of 'story so far' summary as first paragraph; Sillyshallying by main characters when they were supposed to leave the battlefield to preclude total wipeout.
POTENTIAL ERRORS TO CONSIDER:
chanting fills the air. It's far, and I can barely hear them, but it's there. Men are chanting, rallying themselves > s/p consistency + avoid direct repetitions = chanting fills the air. It's far away, and I can barely hear it, but it's there. Men are rallying themselves
An arrow flies into one of our men's eyes > one arrow hits two eyes. To correct
and not going to abandon > and I'm not going to abandon
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2022
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LIKED: Tightly focused writing. Super-fast pace was excellent for a battle.
DISLIKED: Lack of 'story so far' summary as first paragraph; Sillyshallying by main characters when they were supposed to leave the battlefield to preclude total wipeout.
POTENTIAL ERRORS TO CONSIDER:
chanting fills the air. It's far, and I can barely hear them, but it's there. Men are chanting, rallying themselves > s/p consistency + avoid direct repetitions = chanting fills the air. It's far away, and I can barely hear it, but it's there. Men are rallying themselves
An arrow flies into one of our men's eyes > one arrow hits two eyes. To correct
and not going to abandon > and I'm not going to abandon
Comment Written 23-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2022
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Thank you for your feedback, Katherine M. Kean.
For clarification, should I consider rewriting the first paragraph?
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No. I want you to add a paragraph zero before what you have already written that summarizes CONCISELY the whole story to date so that poeple who have forgotton since you last posted can think 'oh, yes its THAT novel, and that's where we're up to'. sadramitchell does this really well, but she's just started a new novel. I try (on swimming out and Vicky, only), but they're perhaps a bit long. The aim is to make this serial reading more palatable for the reader. Sorry I wasn't clearer. Kate xx
Comment from Ann West
Wow. That was a very moving story. It was very descriptive and it was very detailed. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2022
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Wow. That was a very moving story. It was very descriptive and it was very detailed. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Your writing is better in this one, so I have more suggestions. Para 3--who is landing with a thud? (cut that line) Go! (we will or we'll) . . . . . . horn roars (beyond) the wall... A thunderous bang is followed by the crunch of thick wood shattering. (Something rumbles behind me. I glance at the pile . . .) half hazardedly should be haphazardly ...open spot to (signal) for aid. More than one bolt in his chest would be fatal. (I tumble between the buildings, landing with a thud. . . . tears running down (her cheeks). As one lunges to kill me, Tristan's... . ..panic (fills) every . . . Generally, don't use the phrase "begins to" or "starts to". They slow down the action. Best wishes.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2022
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Your writing is better in this one, so I have more suggestions. Para 3--who is landing with a thud? (cut that line) Go! (we will or we'll) . . . . . . horn roars (beyond) the wall... A thunderous bang is followed by the crunch of thick wood shattering. (Something rumbles behind me. I glance at the pile . . .) half hazardedly should be haphazardly ...open spot to (signal) for aid. More than one bolt in his chest would be fatal. (I tumble between the buildings, landing with a thud. . . . tears running down (her cheeks). As one lunges to kill me, Tristan's... . ..panic (fills) every . . . Generally, don't use the phrase "begins to" or "starts to". They slow down the action. Best wishes.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2022
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Thanks again.
Comment from Charlotte Morse
This is all very exciting!
But I'm afraid I got distracted by a lot of typos:
'the head of the infernal beast inches closers' - no s on closer
'With both hesitate, "Go! Will buy you as much time as we can."' - We rather than with?
'Catching my breath, the Captains yell orders to their men.' - ...breath, I hear the captain yell. . .?
'slaying many foes.' - no s on foe
'Once my vision, my Aunt surveys the battle.' - Once my vision cleared, my aunt. . .?
Sorry, I'm afraid I rather gave up after that. It's always worth checking thoroughly for typos before posting, because if readers find it difficult to follow, or get distracted like I did, they'll give up reading it.
Sorry only 3 stars, but I'm hoping they'll be a reminder to you to always thoroughly check before posting.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
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This is all very exciting!
But I'm afraid I got distracted by a lot of typos:
'the head of the infernal beast inches closers' - no s on closer
'With both hesitate, "Go! Will buy you as much time as we can."' - We rather than with?
'Catching my breath, the Captains yell orders to their men.' - ...breath, I hear the captain yell. . .?
'slaying many foes.' - no s on foe
'Once my vision, my Aunt surveys the battle.' - Once my vision cleared, my aunt. . .?
Sorry, I'm afraid I rather gave up after that. It's always worth checking thoroughly for typos before posting, because if readers find it difficult to follow, or get distracted like I did, they'll give up reading it.
Sorry only 3 stars, but I'm hoping they'll be a reminder to you to always thoroughly check before posting.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
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Thank you for your honest feedback, Charlotte Morse. I agree wholeheartedly, I need to be a better editor of my own work.
Just for clarification, shouldn't (foes) be plural because there is more than one? And if I use (once my vision cleared) shouldn't it be (clears) because I trying to write this in the present tense?
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Hi Rinshikai,
Firstly, thank you for taking my review so well, I thought I might but put on your black list for ever! Lol
OMG yes! Foes is the plural of foe (I just looked it up!). Now you have taught me something, thank you. I was convinced that foe was like sheep, where no s is added for plural!
And yes again to clears, you?re writing in the present. Ha ha just shows you?re not the only person around here who needs to edit better!,
Ha ha ha thanks for your review on my review!
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It's all good. I don't believe in black-listing people.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was well written. The story is exciting and you can feel the imminent doom. The demand that they leave and Iona asking what is happening was a little too quick. There should be a transition (a long run worrying) prior to her talking. It was like they were teleported. Outside of that nothing stood out. This was an enjoyable read and very exciting!
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
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I thought this was well written. The story is exciting and you can feel the imminent doom. The demand that they leave and Iona asking what is happening was a little too quick. There should be a transition (a long run worrying) prior to her talking. It was like they were teleported. Outside of that nothing stood out. This was an enjoyable read and very exciting!
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
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Thank you for the feed back. I'll try and make the run from the wall to Iona more interesting.