The Best Time of Ohmie's Life
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Best Time of Ohmie's Life pt 15"Dying of cancer, Ohmie learns his parents are spie
10 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is an interesting part of the story but doesn't say much about Ohmie except he thinks he is on his sick bed. They still aren't certain where Pete is but think it's best he's dead.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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This is an interesting part of the story but doesn't say much about Ohmie except he thinks he is on his sick bed. They still aren't certain where Pete is but think it's best he's dead.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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Drawbacks to writing in first person
Comment from Michaela Moore
This one was fun! I loved the dialogue between the dad and the Russian lady. Such fun with the dialect. More intrigue is built in this one. I am having a blast with this book.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2022
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This one was fun! I loved the dialogue between the dad and the Russian lady. Such fun with the dialect. More intrigue is built in this one. I am having a blast with this book.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2022
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Thank you.
Your very nice review makes up for all those who thought it was a slow diversion.
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Oh, good grief! People. The greatest literature is the kind that takes its time to paint glorious, fully formed stories. Television has ruined readers. But not me! I am still re-reading Charles Dickens or Jane Austen all the time. They knew how to spin a fully complete yarn like no other.
Comment from lyenochka
This was interesting but I feel like I'm missing a chunk of information as I'm not sure who these characters are for the most part and having Ohmie talk about what his father was investigating added another layer to dig through.
Who knows. (question mark unless it's rhetorical)
Dad drove east from Vilius (Vilnius)
Russia tink murder. I think (if you are going to convey the pronunciation, I would do it consistently. Most languages don't have a "th" sound.)
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2022
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This was interesting but I feel like I'm missing a chunk of information as I'm not sure who these characters are for the most part and having Ohmie talk about what his father was investigating added another layer to dig through.
Who knows. (question mark unless it's rhetorical)
Dad drove east from Vilius (Vilnius)
Russia tink murder. I think (if you are going to convey the pronunciation, I would do it consistently. Most languages don't have a "th" sound.)
Comment Written 14-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2022
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Thank you. Yes, I'm a huge fan of consistency but face nearly insurmountable pressure to lighten up for ease of reading.
I wasn't aware that most of the world didn't have a 'th' sound.
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Yes, English, Spanish (Castillian), Greek (theta) and Albanian have a "th" sound. Other language-speakers simply with a "t" or "z" for the silent or voiced "th".
Comment from Wendy G
Great continuation, letting us see via Ohmie, what his father has been doing. I noticed the following. Hope I am not being too picky.
Wendy
Second paragraph "steal" is used twice. What about "sneak" across the border?
No comma needed in "More or less" at the start of recounting his father's story.
"was not hardly as strenuous": just use "was not as strenuous"
"No-one" not "no one": (came in or out ... ) and (paid him any attention) and (looked particularly athletic) and (no-one was overdressed ...)
Say either "He set out" OR "He left" ... (at the appropriate time and had taken the time to eat a breakfast of bread that he'd fried in a skillet with peanut butter.
I would also put commas around "That he'd fried in a skillet" as otherwise it looks like "with peanut butter" is referring to the skillet.
"He left back in the direction they'd come ..." He "turned back" sounds better?
Dad, with capital D when used as a title or name. (fourth last and second last paragraphs)
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2022
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Great continuation, letting us see via Ohmie, what his father has been doing. I noticed the following. Hope I am not being too picky.
Wendy
Second paragraph "steal" is used twice. What about "sneak" across the border?
No comma needed in "More or less" at the start of recounting his father's story.
"was not hardly as strenuous": just use "was not as strenuous"
"No-one" not "no one": (came in or out ... ) and (paid him any attention) and (looked particularly athletic) and (no-one was overdressed ...)
Say either "He set out" OR "He left" ... (at the appropriate time and had taken the time to eat a breakfast of bread that he'd fried in a skillet with peanut butter.
I would also put commas around "That he'd fried in a skillet" as otherwise it looks like "with peanut butter" is referring to the skillet.
"He left back in the direction they'd come ..." He "turned back" sounds better?
Dad, with capital D when used as a title or name. (fourth last and second last paragraphs)
Comment Written 13-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2022
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Thank you for the excellent review.
Thank you for the valuable finds.
The difficulty is maintaining consistency of a narrative in first person 13 y. o. speak. He has to think as he speaks. (steal/steal) I did think about that. All detail reviewers objected.
Most all of your points, though, do not relate to Ohmie's vernacular.
Thank you.
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Yep, teenagers do repeat themselves, and don't speak "proper"!
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But don't let that from picking away. I am not easily offended. As I've said many times: If someone wants to offend me, they have to do it on purpose. I refuse to be offended 'by accident'.
Reviewers pointing out speech or thought pattern errors allows me a second (or third or fourth) chance to reconsider.
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Thanks Wayne. Some reviewers are nit-pickers and refuse to accept any way of writing which differs from their own. I don't want to be like that. If it is helpful for you then I am happy to help where I can.
Comment from Judy Lawless
I can understand why you had to use Ohmie telling his dad's story after the fact to move the plot along, Wayne, since they are now split up. This brought us up to speed with Ohmie Sr. at least. Well done.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2022
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I can understand why you had to use Ohmie telling his dad's story after the fact to move the plot along, Wayne, since they are now split up. This brought us up to speed with Ohmie Sr. at least. Well done.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2022
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Thank you. Your review outweighs all those who thought it slowed the story down.
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You're welcome, Wayne. I was going to give it a six, but didn't have any left.
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smiley face here
Comment from Susan Newell
Wayne,
This one dragged a little and I'm afraid I'm losing track of the characters. I let some grammar things go because it is Ohmie that's telling the story. I did find a few things that should be fixed.
Sue
Bets Time of Ohmie's Life pt 15 -- LOL ==> Best?
Or, "Get out of your car or I will shoot you. Tie him to -- needs end "
More, or less the way Ohmie supposed, -- Isn't Ohmie telling the story? ==> I supposed
No one came in or out of the building that didn't appear to belong, everyone was under thirty years old and nerdy-looking. -- run-on sentence -- end and start where comma is.
just couldn't afford one or couldn't get an internet hookup. ==> Internet
"A Russian would come in building like tank. Take want they want. ==> Take what
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2022
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Wayne,
This one dragged a little and I'm afraid I'm losing track of the characters. I let some grammar things go because it is Ohmie that's telling the story. I did find a few things that should be fixed.
Sue
Bets Time of Ohmie's Life pt 15 -- LOL ==> Best?
Or, "Get out of your car or I will shoot you. Tie him to -- needs end "
More, or less the way Ohmie supposed, -- Isn't Ohmie telling the story? ==> I supposed
No one came in or out of the building that didn't appear to belong, everyone was under thirty years old and nerdy-looking. -- run-on sentence -- end and start where comma is.
just couldn't afford one or couldn't get an internet hookup. ==> Internet
"A Russian would come in building like tank. Take want they want. ==> Take what
Comment Written 13-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2022
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Thank you. Yes. It dragged some. I felt it necessary to give credibility to the main spy plot.
thank you for the helps.
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:-)
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
Yes, I'm sure it's a valuable set-up for what will come next. Maybe it could have been trimmed a bit. Kate xx
Please consider:
or course > of course
avoid closely spaced direct repetitions e.g. even / steak
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2022
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Yes, I'm sure it's a valuable set-up for what will come next. Maybe it could have been trimmed a bit. Kate xx
Please consider:
or course > of course
avoid closely spaced direct repetitions e.g. even / steak
Comment Written 13-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2022
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Thank you.
And yes, I consider closely spaced repetitive words. But at the same time I'm trying to keep in the mindset of a 13 year old boy using first person. Sometimes it's a crap shoot.
(I think FanStory has a little demon running through manuscripts changing letters!)
smiley face here
Thanks again for the review.
Comment from Douglas Goff
On the road with Ohmie again! This is very long but exciting. I'm enjoying the journey that you are taking us on.
Great work on this chapter! Keep rolling!
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2022
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On the road with Ohmie again! This is very long but exciting. I'm enjoying the journey that you are taking us on.
Great work on this chapter! Keep rolling!
Comment Written 13-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2022
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Thank you! I worried that this chapter would aggravate those who want Ohmie in every scene.
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Not I. Seems central to the plot with some key reveals about the dad.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
As usual, I jotted down thoughts along the way. Yes, I agree, this was a necessary chapter to move the story along. I admire your ability to keep going! Every time I even think of writing a book, I get a headache, lol!!
The last sentence of the first paragraph, you use "even" twice in the sentence; I'd remove one.
Same with the very short paragraph that follows - you use "steal" twice.
Ohmie is quickly learning the tricks of the trade, as evidenced in his thoughts on stealing a car!
"His last trip to Misk" - should be Minsk. Same sentence, I would remove "not", you don't need it in front of hardly.
I like the line, ". . . the Company and Constitution might be in doubt, riding in the backseat, so to speak".
"Dad figured that one: . . ." then you write "Or two, . . ." I would make it consistent by using a colon in both places or a comma in both places.
The quiet stairs are a help, then they are a hindrance - good contrast.
Interesting paragraph on Pete's routine as evidenced by dishes, toothbrush, etc. What a spy would do in someone's apartment.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2022
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As usual, I jotted down thoughts along the way. Yes, I agree, this was a necessary chapter to move the story along. I admire your ability to keep going! Every time I even think of writing a book, I get a headache, lol!!
The last sentence of the first paragraph, you use "even" twice in the sentence; I'd remove one.
Same with the very short paragraph that follows - you use "steal" twice.
Ohmie is quickly learning the tricks of the trade, as evidenced in his thoughts on stealing a car!
"His last trip to Misk" - should be Minsk. Same sentence, I would remove "not", you don't need it in front of hardly.
I like the line, ". . . the Company and Constitution might be in doubt, riding in the backseat, so to speak".
"Dad figured that one: . . ." then you write "Or two, . . ." I would make it consistent by using a colon in both places or a comma in both places.
The quiet stairs are a help, then they are a hindrance - good contrast.
Interesting paragraph on Pete's routine as evidenced by dishes, toothbrush, etc. What a spy would do in someone's apartment.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2022
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Thank you for the review. And bless you for taking notes along the way!
It's a challenge keeping the narrative in a 13 year old's vernacular, not making him too sophisticated. As with any dialect, some sacrifices are required for readability.
Thanks again.
Comment from Frank Malley
"The Best Time of Ohmie's Life," 'Chapter 15,' is written with the chronological presentation of events and details that is one style of action/adventure narratives. The stream of events is well maintained; there are a few typos in the text, and a tendency to use more words and explanations than are necessary. This extraneous addition of detail slightly slows the story's pace, but it remained engaging.
In a thriller type of story, nothing is added by continually calling a character "Dad." Give that character a name, and thereafter use that. You can once in a while reinforce the fact that he is somebody's (the narrator's) dad. The sentence with 'scrutiny' in it could be shortened; a close inspection is scrutiny, it just slows the flow down by a redundancy.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2022
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"The Best Time of Ohmie's Life," 'Chapter 15,' is written with the chronological presentation of events and details that is one style of action/adventure narratives. The stream of events is well maintained; there are a few typos in the text, and a tendency to use more words and explanations than are necessary. This extraneous addition of detail slightly slows the story's pace, but it remained engaging.
In a thriller type of story, nothing is added by continually calling a character "Dad." Give that character a name, and thereafter use that. You can once in a while reinforce the fact that he is somebody's (the narrator's) dad. The sentence with 'scrutiny' in it could be shortened; a close inspection is scrutiny, it just slows the flow down by a redundancy.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2022
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Excellent review. Thank you. I wasn't happy with the way this chapter went - thus my disclaimer in author's notes. And I have thought about 'Dad' as I wrote this, but my prevailing sense was to keep it in a 13 year old's first person vernacular. (I do give him a name later on and use it in dialogue.) But I'll give the whole concept some more thought.
On the excessive detail - I get conflicting advice. My natural tendency is toward brevity, often criticized for failure to offer readers enough. I'm convinced that it is a matter of 'how' it's done, more than how much detail is offered.
Thank you for your enlightening review.
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All the best, Wayne. Frank
