Comment from Frank Malley

Excellent

This is an excellent love poem. I was tempted to change a few things, perhaps seeking to undo a bit the shackles of meter, and find a word I like better than "wallow," which always makes me think of hippopotami and crocodiles.
To its merit, this fine little poem doesn't need its picture, albeit the photo is well suited to the poem's content.

 Comment Written 02-Oct-2022

---

reply by the author on 02-Oct-2022

I m glad that you thought my wee love poem was excellent Your opinion is important because it s sincere.

I understand your issue with the word WALLOW ..seeing it is an English word I recently discovered it doesn?t have that effect on me but I will keep in mind your point ( wink)

It took me over an hour to find that pic ( grin) it relates exactly to my words.

PS : when you have time please do read the PM / reply I sent you.

Keep safe

Ciao!

Comment from Sandra Nelms-Ludwig

Exceptional

Your poem is Tony Tiger Great!!. It showed many moods and feelings in only 11 lines. It's so cleverly written/conceived. It's sexy, sweet and loving. It's well-written. All the words you were not allowed to use you showed.
The visual with the swallows is just okay. A visual related to the missing words or to the poem. Either would make the final poem better. Without it, it is still a great poem.

 Comment Written 01-Oct-2022

---

reply by the author on 01-Oct-2022

Thank you for the helpful feedback back.

If I understand correctly , you think the opening line should be about his feelings rather than about birds .

I thought the contrast between the merry birds and his sadness was not bad.

That said:

How about this possible edit .. what do you think ..too much , maybe just one phrase not both ..


The lump in his throat
he swallows and he holds back the urge to follow
as she slips from his embrace
leaving a cold empty space
which Makes him feel so hollow.
He lays back and wallows
in her scent
left on his pillow.
With longing he will wait
for her return tomorrow.

PS Thanks for the extra shiny star , much appreciated!

reply by Sandra Nelms-Ludwig on 01-Oct-2022

You misunderstood; the poem is fine as it is. I meant to get a better image for the love poem. Just an image change.

reply by the author on 01-Oct-2022

I got insecure and edited it slightly and changed the pic to suit the words seeing I removed the opening lines about the swallows.

After the contest I might restore the original version with a better pic

reply by Sandra Nelms-Ludwig on 02-Oct-2022

I understand.