The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "The One with a Thousand Faces"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
6 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
The dream sequence was incredible. Within a short time, you showed the cruelty and arrogance of a king and made the reader thoroughly dislike him. You made the reader empathize with the bearer of the pain.
Some great lines:
'Great power brought with it cruelty, an insensitivity to the life around him.'
'Ilati screamed in pain as she awoke, the cold of a river's depths sweeping through her body, turning her bones to ice.' Shivering as I read this line.
'The priestess gagged at the stench of her own suffering and went still, though she remained as tense as a bowstring... ' Vivid description.
Suggestions to consider:
"The next son of your blood will burn with the heat of a sun and be as brave as (the) befits the ruler of the four corners of the world." Delete 'the'.
'It was clearly a wish (that) he say no more.' Delete 'that'. I also wonder if you meant 'he' or 'she'? If this specific word is a subtle hint as to the identity of the person in Ilati's dream?
'That horse knows only the rein and whip. It will take much training and healing before it knows better.' I thought this horse died at the hands of the Nadaren apprentice?
'Someone must tell Artakhshathra (that) she is on the mend.' Delete 'that'.
'Menes touched her arm, warmth radiating (out) from his hand.' Delete 'out'.
Another great chapter with some added depth to the characters. I am enjoying the read.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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The dream sequence was incredible. Within a short time, you showed the cruelty and arrogance of a king and made the reader thoroughly dislike him. You made the reader empathize with the bearer of the pain.
Some great lines:
'Great power brought with it cruelty, an insensitivity to the life around him.'
'Ilati screamed in pain as she awoke, the cold of a river's depths sweeping through her body, turning her bones to ice.' Shivering as I read this line.
'The priestess gagged at the stench of her own suffering and went still, though she remained as tense as a bowstring... ' Vivid description.
Suggestions to consider:
"The next son of your blood will burn with the heat of a sun and be as brave as (the) befits the ruler of the four corners of the world." Delete 'the'.
'It was clearly a wish (that) he say no more.' Delete 'that'. I also wonder if you meant 'he' or 'she'? If this specific word is a subtle hint as to the identity of the person in Ilati's dream?
'That horse knows only the rein and whip. It will take much training and healing before it knows better.' I thought this horse died at the hands of the Nadaren apprentice?
'Someone must tell Artakhshathra (that) she is on the mend.' Delete 'that'.
'Menes touched her arm, warmth radiating (out) from his hand.' Delete 'out'.
Another great chapter with some added depth to the characters. I am enjoying the read.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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Bugger, I missed that one on continuity. I?ll have to fix that right away! Sorry about that!
Comment from Ric Myworld
Your descriptive sentences allow me to feel like I'm right in the middle of your story. I can feel the mule's withers shifting back and forth. The relentless sun, and all that goes with it. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2022
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Your descriptive sentences allow me to feel like I'm right in the middle of your story. I can feel the mule's withers shifting back and forth. The relentless sun, and all that goes with it. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I'm glad it's coming across as well as it is. I appreciate you giving my work your time and I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
The writing is well done, you've managed to maintain a steady tone, the dialogue is excellent and moves the story well. The flow of the story is also excellent, it is paced just right, a little slower here, I assume, than in other chapters, gives the reader time to digest and condense the action. If the other chapters match this one, this is going to be a good book. The story is intriguing.
I do have one small comment, however, which I fear might be attributed to the fact that I haven't read all the preceding chapters. I will mention it, however, for you to consider just as a general thing to keep in mind as you write more. I understand what is happening until the scene changes and you switch from regular type to italics to indicate the change. The story falters here for me, because I don't understand exactly the context of the dream and how it relates to the story. Maybe you could make the transition a bit better, explain to the reader what brings the dream forward and indicate the change better, just a change in type face isn't enough, I think. Also, the dream seems to be significant to the story, since you present it here, maybe you need to give the reader a hint about why it matters.
Just an example, below, of the good writing in this piece.
"...but the rest of his words washed away like mud-brick in a flood." *** Good simile.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2022
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The writing is well done, you've managed to maintain a steady tone, the dialogue is excellent and moves the story well. The flow of the story is also excellent, it is paced just right, a little slower here, I assume, than in other chapters, gives the reader time to digest and condense the action. If the other chapters match this one, this is going to be a good book. The story is intriguing.
I do have one small comment, however, which I fear might be attributed to the fact that I haven't read all the preceding chapters. I will mention it, however, for you to consider just as a general thing to keep in mind as you write more. I understand what is happening until the scene changes and you switch from regular type to italics to indicate the change. The story falters here for me, because I don't understand exactly the context of the dream and how it relates to the story. Maybe you could make the transition a bit better, explain to the reader what brings the dream forward and indicate the change better, just a change in type face isn't enough, I think. Also, the dream seems to be significant to the story, since you present it here, maybe you need to give the reader a hint about why it matters.
Just an example, below, of the good writing in this piece.
"...but the rest of his words washed away like mud-brick in a flood." *** Good simile.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it and the fact that you gave it your time at all. As far as the dream goes, it is intentionally not immediately clear what it has to do with the current scene. It's intended to come back later with a full explanation down the road, when the characters and events become immediately relevant to plot. I'm sorry it was a bit disjointed, but that's the why of it. Ilati doesn't understand why she had this particular dream or what it meant, but a reader down the road will look back and go "OH!". Which doesn't translate well on FanStory since it's chapter by chapter, unfortunately. Thank you so much for reading. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from Michaela Moore
This is the first chapter of your novel I have read. Even so, the way you write, you do a great job of giving the reader enough to enjoy this chapter alone. I loved reading the flashback, and I love when books place important events inside worrisome climaxes as you have done. And then, in the pinnacle of that flashback, you write this...It was only out of love that she stopped and started her slow crawl away--
My heart stopped. So beautiful. You made me love the protagonist to the depths of my soul in one sentence. I can't wait to read the rest of her story. This is someone I want to know, and I trust her to see how this whole conflict will play out. Great job!
And I have missed you. It has been awhile.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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This is the first chapter of your novel I have read. Even so, the way you write, you do a great job of giving the reader enough to enjoy this chapter alone. I loved reading the flashback, and I love when books place important events inside worrisome climaxes as you have done. And then, in the pinnacle of that flashback, you write this...It was only out of love that she stopped and started her slow crawl away--
My heart stopped. So beautiful. You made me love the protagonist to the depths of my soul in one sentence. I can't wait to read the rest of her story. This is someone I want to know, and I trust her to see how this whole conflict will play out. Great job!
And I have missed you. It has been awhile.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it. I?m glad the dream came out well and I?m glad Ilati is sympathetic. She?s on a rough road, so she needs some love. Happy to be writing again, as much as I can with work. It?s nice to hear from you and I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
A very interesting chapter. I very much enjoyed what Illate described as her dreams. Like my own dreams I felt I had lived through this before. Especially her being forced to crawl was distressing, it was so well-written. Kate xx
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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A very interesting chapter. I very much enjoyed what Illate described as her dreams. Like my own dreams I felt I had lived through this before. Especially her being forced to crawl was distressing, it was so well-written. Kate xx
Comment Written 27-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I appreciate your time and I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from Douglas Goff
Wow! Very well written. I couldn't find anything grammatically incorrect.
I didn't know what the King of Deserts regency was?
My only critique is that some of your paragraphs are very long, like this one with two dialogues in it:
It took her a moment to compose herself again enough to speak, mouth dripping blood down her chin in a crimson flow. A third prophecy opened in her mind's eye. It was a rare thing to be given anything by the One with a Thousand Faces without paying a cost, but the god was only truth and could not be ignored. "Look into my eye and tell me I deceive you when I say this, great king." The challenge did not go ignored. "Look and hear the voice of one who loves you: there will be another."
You can keep the reader engaged with smaller paragraphs. Just my two cents.
Nice work!
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2022
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Wow! Very well written. I couldn't find anything grammatically incorrect.
I didn't know what the King of Deserts regency was?
My only critique is that some of your paragraphs are very long, like this one with two dialogues in it:
It took her a moment to compose herself again enough to speak, mouth dripping blood down her chin in a crimson flow. A third prophecy opened in her mind's eye. It was a rare thing to be given anything by the One with a Thousand Faces without paying a cost, but the god was only truth and could not be ignored. "Look into my eye and tell me I deceive you when I say this, great king." The challenge did not go ignored. "Look and hear the voice of one who loves you: there will be another."
You can keep the reader engaged with smaller paragraphs. Just my two cents.
Nice work!
Comment Written 26-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. The Desert of Kings is a place that's in the earlier parts of the book, a giant sea of sand a lot like the Sahara. Again, I tried splitting up some of the biggest paragraphs. Sorry that they didn't engage you as much as they might have otherwise, but I appreciate your time.
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Don?t apologize. You are a terrific writer! I?m just more dragons and elves. LOL.
