Peregrination of Bin Eleven
a novel chapter 2000 words17 total reviews
Comment from Jasmine Girl
This is the longest piece of writing I have ever read from you and it's good. It's serious and sophisticated. It's a description of the aftermath of a nuclear disaster or the explosion of the atomic bomb. It's a science fiction I think.
Well done and I'm looking forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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This is the longest piece of writing I have ever read from you and it's good. It's serious and sophisticated. It's a description of the aftermath of a nuclear disaster or the explosion of the atomic bomb. It's a science fiction I think.
Well done and I'm looking forward to reading more.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Lisa. I need to make this piece four times wordier to meet the minimum of two thousand words. It will grow until the deadline.
Comment from lyenochka
This is a great opening chapter to a sci-fi. I like how you keep consistently to the metric system which the US was going to do but never quite made the shift. I liked how you described the otherworldly feel of this post-apocalyptic scene. Best wishes in the contest.
BTW: I don't know if it's a hard rule but the contest said a minimum of 2,000 words.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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This is a great opening chapter to a sci-fi. I like how you keep consistently to the metric system which the US was going to do but never quite made the shift. I liked how you described the otherworldly feel of this post-apocalyptic scene. Best wishes in the contest.
BTW: I don't know if it's a hard rule but the contest said a minimum of 2,000 words.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Helen. Yes, I forgot and am currently puffing up the story with further description.
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Good for you! To me the minimum word limit was the hardest part !
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Bill,
When I begin a novel, I always study the first line a bit. It's the introduction and usually gives some kind of hint as to the story.
"The beach is littered with debris from the explosions." ... There has been some kind of accident. Explosions. Lots of debris.
The next line,
"Huge sections of aircraft lay next to jetsam, still washing in with the mahogany-tinted tide." ... What's a "jetsam"? The dictionary tells me "goods thrown overboard to lighten a ship and later washed ashore." Also, from the internet, "Jetsam is jettisoned goods. Goods that are thrown away especially from a moving ship or airplane."
So it sounds like a plane has crashed near the shoreline.
And the final line in that first paragraph, "Pieces and parts of people form thousands of putrid piles of commingled remains."
So it sounds like a jet airplane has crashed, leaving lots of wreckage, bodies, and body parts. You've successfully grabbed my attention.
The following couple of paragraphs lead me to believe this is science fiction, so I quickly lose interest... not because it isn't well-written. I would sooner read fiction rather than science fiction, that's all. Two alien creatures, at least one being a robot, rise out of the sand. They test the air for radiation and pollutants, and detect one struggling human amongst the debris. They head in its direction.
"Doh-doh-doh wakka"... sounds like Star Wars. I have to wonder if these alien dudes shot down the jet as it was either taking off or landing.
There are words and phrases I don't completely understand... for example,
"supremiant/ Klami caste"
It seems like these aliens have control. I wonder if they are in the process of conquering the earth? Could this possibly be Air Force 1? And what's with testing "the atmosphere for harmful inhalants and radiation"? Has there been some kind of nuclear war on the planet?
It's interesting, but is it long enough? It's supposed to be a minimum of 2000 words. ~just wondering.
Good Luck in the contest!
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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Hi Bill,
When I begin a novel, I always study the first line a bit. It's the introduction and usually gives some kind of hint as to the story.
"The beach is littered with debris from the explosions." ... There has been some kind of accident. Explosions. Lots of debris.
The next line,
"Huge sections of aircraft lay next to jetsam, still washing in with the mahogany-tinted tide." ... What's a "jetsam"? The dictionary tells me "goods thrown overboard to lighten a ship and later washed ashore." Also, from the internet, "Jetsam is jettisoned goods. Goods that are thrown away especially from a moving ship or airplane."
So it sounds like a plane has crashed near the shoreline.
And the final line in that first paragraph, "Pieces and parts of people form thousands of putrid piles of commingled remains."
So it sounds like a jet airplane has crashed, leaving lots of wreckage, bodies, and body parts. You've successfully grabbed my attention.
The following couple of paragraphs lead me to believe this is science fiction, so I quickly lose interest... not because it isn't well-written. I would sooner read fiction rather than science fiction, that's all. Two alien creatures, at least one being a robot, rise out of the sand. They test the air for radiation and pollutants, and detect one struggling human amongst the debris. They head in its direction.
"Doh-doh-doh wakka"... sounds like Star Wars. I have to wonder if these alien dudes shot down the jet as it was either taking off or landing.
There are words and phrases I don't completely understand... for example,
"supremiant/ Klami caste"
It seems like these aliens have control. I wonder if they are in the process of conquering the earth? Could this possibly be Air Force 1? And what's with testing "the atmosphere for harmful inhalants and radiation"? Has there been some kind of nuclear war on the planet?
It's interesting, but is it long enough? It's supposed to be a minimum of 2000 words. ~just wondering.
Good Luck in the contest!
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 20-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Kimbob, for showing me what brings you into the story and what turns you loose. I forgot about the length and am currently puffing this up to the minimum requirement. I usually like to build curiosity in the first chapter and explain in the next.
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Keep at it, Bill!
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
As a first chapter should - this does well - and that is to get the readers attention. How many books have I put down after reading the first chapter. Not with this one. Great job.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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As a first chapter should - this does well - and that is to get the readers attention. How many books have I put down after reading the first chapter. Not with this one. Great job.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Michael. I posted this forgetting it must be two thousand words. I am currently blowing it up to that minimum for the contest. It's three hundred now.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Interesting. Well written. I would definitely read the second chapter. (Can't say the same about another that i just reviewed. So that is a compliment.) creating a language has been a dilemma for me, how to make beings somewhat understood, yet not make readers crazy.
Good luck.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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Interesting. Well written. I would definitely read the second chapter. (Can't say the same about another that i just reviewed. So that is a compliment.) creating a language has been a dilemma for me, how to make beings somewhat understood, yet not make readers crazy.
Good luck.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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I try to keep the language short enough to be be figured out. Thanks for giving this a look.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is a wonderful kernel of a science-fiction story. Although you do realise that as it is it will be automatically eliminated from the contest, don't you? The contest stipulates a MINIMUM of 2000 words. You're going to have to burn the midnight oil think over the next few days. Good luck, Kate xx
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reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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This is a wonderful kernel of a science-fiction story. Although you do realise that as it is it will be automatically eliminated from the contest, don't you? The contest stipulates a MINIMUM of 2000 words. You're going to have to burn the midnight oil think over the next few days. Good luck, Kate xx
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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Thanks, Kate. Yes, Sandra reminded me that this is too short.
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I am up against you in this competition. (Is Sandra?). But even so, I'm honest, don't want the field to be winnowed on technicalities. Kate xx
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Are you going to continue this, Bill? It sounds really good. I like sci-fi stories like this. But, you have done the same as I have, entered the contest and didn't write the required length. Mine was just 1000 words, and I've been told it has to be a minimum of 2000. I can't get mine that long, so I've left it as it is. I thought it best to warn you as you still have time to increase it. Good luck, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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Are you going to continue this, Bill? It sounds really good. I like sci-fi stories like this. But, you have done the same as I have, entered the contest and didn't write the required length. Mine was just 1000 words, and I've been told it has to be a minimum of 2000. I can't get mine that long, so I've left it as it is. I thought it best to warn you as you still have time to increase it. Good luck, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Sandra. I will stretch this one out, I guess. I'm more of a short story dude. This one requires quite a significant backstory.
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I think you have enough time. It will make a great novel. Or short story after the competition is finished. I'm not doing anything to mine now. Give me a pm, when you've finished editing it so I can see what you've done. xxx
