The Stalker
Danger in a stormy night7 total reviews
Comment from K. Lang-Slattery
This is a fun piece and your descriptions of the weather elements make wonderful use of some "horrifying vocabulary" that adds to the suspense of the essay. You do say several times that you are afraid or nervous, but I think the story would have a greater impact if you actually described how your feelings of fear affected you physically. Did you bite your lip? Or feel your heart stop? Or your skin get clammy?
A couple of editing suggestions:
. I was alone and (afraid as -delete )news of a stalker(, delete) roaming the streets of our city(, delete) had me on nervous alert.
. Paragraph 4, remove one instance of "kitchen."
.paragraph 7, remove one instance of "front."
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2022
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This is a fun piece and your descriptions of the weather elements make wonderful use of some "horrifying vocabulary" that adds to the suspense of the essay. You do say several times that you are afraid or nervous, but I think the story would have a greater impact if you actually described how your feelings of fear affected you physically. Did you bite your lip? Or feel your heart stop? Or your skin get clammy?
A couple of editing suggestions:
. I was alone and (afraid as -delete )news of a stalker(, delete) roaming the streets of our city(, delete) had me on nervous alert.
. Paragraph 4, remove one instance of "kitchen."
.paragraph 7, remove one instance of "front."
Comment Written 24-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2022
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Thanks, Katie, for the good review and the suggestions. I appreciate both.
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
"Fists of rain..." Nice imagery. This wasn't just a gentle downpour you were getting lambasted.
P5, s3: Remove (yet) conflicts with (Though)
P8, s4: Need paragraph space after (protection.)
Funny, fear can make us see and think anything.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
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"Fists of rain..." Nice imagery. This wasn't just a gentle downpour you were getting lambasted.
P5, s3: Remove (yet) conflicts with (Though)
P8, s4: Need paragraph space after (protection.)
Funny, fear can make us see and think anything.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
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Thank you for an excellent review with suggestions!
Comment from Wendy G
I am glad to read of a satisfactory ending to your story. I was with you as you feared the worst. You expressed it very well, very good descriptions of each element. Best wishes for your entry in the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
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I am glad to read of a satisfactory ending to your story. I was with you as you feared the worst. You expressed it very well, very good descriptions of each element. Best wishes for your entry in the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 19-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
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Thank you very much for your excellent review, dear Wendy.
Comment from kiwisteveh
Hi, Verna. I enjoyed this little foray into horror, even though the actual fear proved to be unfounded. You built up the atmosphere well, although I did wonder about where you were heading with the sun shining... then you made it disappear again. Would your story be stronger, I wonder, if it took place all in stormy darkness.
Good luck in the contest.
Steve
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2022
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Hi, Verna. I enjoyed this little foray into horror, even though the actual fear proved to be unfounded. You built up the atmosphere well, although I did wonder about where you were heading with the sun shining... then you made it disappear again. Would your story be stronger, I wonder, if it took place all in stormy darkness.
Good luck in the contest.
Steve
Comment Written 18-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2022
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Thank you for your review and your idea.
Comment from BethShelby
I love the horror stories with happy ending but you don't see a lot of those. You built suspense well and the power and a man in yard motioning to you I was waiting for something bad to happen. We all let our imagination run wild at times when we are alone and power is out. Great story.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2022
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I love the horror stories with happy ending but you don't see a lot of those. You built suspense well and the power and a man in yard motioning to you I was waiting for something bad to happen. We all let our imagination run wild at times when we are alone and power is out. Great story.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2022
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Thank you very much,
Comment from Susan Newell
Verna,
You did such a wonderful job of carrying us through the night of terror. The ambience came alive with your descriptions and figurative language. This is a perfect entry for the contest. It is amazing how our minds will "fill in the blanks" when we don't have a clear picture (physically or mentally) of what is happening.
Sue
Fists of rain pounded on my window -- spectacular
Before I could say "amen,"-- Amen?
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2022
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Verna,
You did such a wonderful job of carrying us through the night of terror. The ambience came alive with your descriptions and figurative language. This is a perfect entry for the contest. It is amazing how our minds will "fill in the blanks" when we don't have a clear picture (physically or mentally) of what is happening.
Sue
Fists of rain pounded on my window -- spectacular
Before I could say "amen,"-- Amen?
Comment Written 18-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2022
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Thank you so much for a wonderful review. You might have guessed my first love is poetry. I questioned "amen/Amen when I wrote it. There are many different thoughts about capitalizing it, and I smiled reading some of them. I thought of it as just a word, but if it was a quotation or it was at the beginning off the sentence, I know it would be capitalized. I think I'll just edit it out. Smile!
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You are welcome. I hesitated about questioning it. But I have never heard it expressed without being a standalone word following a prayer or other statement. I just checked Merriam-Webster and they don't capitalize it unless it is a stand alone statement. Perhaps leave as is (lower case), but remove comma and quotation marks. That would meet MW standards.
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I like your idea. Thank you.
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:-)
Comment from Thesis
I liked the way you detailed your surroundings and how the actions of nature affected the character's mind and actions. The story is well told and conveys the fear the character felt. The ending was unexpected.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2022
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I liked the way you detailed your surroundings and how the actions of nature affected the character's mind and actions. The story is well told and conveys the fear the character felt. The ending was unexpected.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2022
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Thank you very much for an excellent review. I really appreciate it.
