Pop the Trunk
A First Book Chapter about Nova Tok, Kinker8 total reviews
Comment from Janice DePollo Lantz
You have my full attention at this point. Love the main character already! Fascinating back story. My favorite line: "She had grown up tangled and twisted."
The chapter ending is good but it comes on a bit abruptly. Could use a bit of transition... like "wait, was the car slowing down?" Also, she mentally calls them " fools." Considering how upset she is, I think she'd have some choice words for them. But those are small fixes. Great intrigue. I want to know more!
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2022
  |
You have my full attention at this point. Love the main character already! Fascinating back story. My favorite line: "She had grown up tangled and twisted."
The chapter ending is good but it comes on a bit abruptly. Could use a bit of transition... like "wait, was the car slowing down?" Also, she mentally calls them " fools." Considering how upset she is, I think she'd have some choice words for them. But those are small fixes. Great intrigue. I want to know more!
Comment Written 26-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2022
-
Oh, thank you, Janice. I'm not sure I'm going to post more chapters of this book, but it's a fun roller coaster kind of piece that might be a good distraction for me.
Comment from Theodore McDowell
Great entry into the first chapter contest. A very interesting context--Romanian trapeze artists who are identical twins. Also very interesting that this is a collaborative effort with your college roommate. The stakes are high in this one. Well done.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
 |
Great entry into the first chapter contest. A very interesting context--Romanian trapeze artists who are identical twins. Also very interesting that this is a collaborative effort with your college roommate. The stakes are high in this one. Well done.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much for your time on this one! So appreciated.
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
I loved the creativity of the plot and the characters, twins with similar type jobs, it's intriguing. I also thought you did a great job of changing scenes and weaving things together, back story and present story seamlessly, giving the whole thing good flow and providing the reader with lots of information. I had just a few comments which are below:
"Nova Tok woke up in the trunk of a car, a car that reeked of garlic." **I think this is a great first sentence, but I think it would be better if you made it even more direct. For example: Nova Tok woke up in the trunk of a car that reeked of garlic.
"I mean, really," she said out loud, realizing how dry her mouth was. **How can she talk out loud if her mouth is gagged?
"There was something so artfully simple about it." ** Well said.
"...the scalpy garlic smells." **Are the dirty scalp and the garlic the only smells in this incident. You repeat them often and it feels like you are making a thing of them. Why? Are they that important to the story or are they just good details for the reader?
"...her eyes landed on a guy leaning up against the airport exit door, smoking a cigarette." **What is the time period for this story, because smoking has not been allowed in airports for a long time and if Nova sees him, he must be inside the airport even though he's leaning on an exit door, or if he's outside and she's still inside, how can she see him? Sorry, I got a little hung up and confused here.
"Running was never her favorite exercise, but she was driven by a terrible instinct, by sheer terror." **I think you can leave out terrible instinct and just say she was driven by sheer terror.
"Nah. Let's just get our little bundle of Winn-Dex back where.."
**I love how you play with the name.."Winn-Dex, Win Dixie... clever.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
|
I loved the creativity of the plot and the characters, twins with similar type jobs, it's intriguing. I also thought you did a great job of changing scenes and weaving things together, back story and present story seamlessly, giving the whole thing good flow and providing the reader with lots of information. I had just a few comments which are below:
"Nova Tok woke up in the trunk of a car, a car that reeked of garlic." **I think this is a great first sentence, but I think it would be better if you made it even more direct. For example: Nova Tok woke up in the trunk of a car that reeked of garlic.
"I mean, really," she said out loud, realizing how dry her mouth was. **How can she talk out loud if her mouth is gagged?
"There was something so artfully simple about it." ** Well said.
"...the scalpy garlic smells." **Are the dirty scalp and the garlic the only smells in this incident. You repeat them often and it feels like you are making a thing of them. Why? Are they that important to the story or are they just good details for the reader?
"...her eyes landed on a guy leaning up against the airport exit door, smoking a cigarette." **What is the time period for this story, because smoking has not been allowed in airports for a long time and if Nova sees him, he must be inside the airport even though he's leaning on an exit door, or if he's outside and she's still inside, how can she see him? Sorry, I got a little hung up and confused here.
"Running was never her favorite exercise, but she was driven by a terrible instinct, by sheer terror." **I think you can leave out terrible instinct and just say she was driven by sheer terror.
"Nah. Let's just get our little bundle of Winn-Dex back where.."
**I love how you play with the name.."Winn-Dex, Win Dixie... clever.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
-
Wow, you get a six star review for this one, Olivanne. Thank you so much for the time you invested in this thing! And you are so spot on! Of course she can't say anything out loud! Yikes! And your insight on the smells is really helpful (those are the two smells I hate the most in the world, so Nova is probably unduly obsessed; I'll switch it up.) Thanks for all of this. You've really helped me.
Comment from Jill McCauslin
A great first chapter. I'm intrigued. I'm not sure that I understood that it was tongue in cheek until you told me.
I like it. It's certainly a gripping story. Lots of action for the first chapter.
I found the searching her memory while in the trunk to be a bit awkward. Lots of great information. I just didn't like the mechanism for relaying it. Maybe I just didn't like this sentence: Now, she searched her memory.
I loved this sentence though: And that was when Nova Tok changed her mind. She started to run.
OK, in this sentence:
"I mean, really," she said out loud, realizing how dry her mouth was.
How does she speak out loud when she is gagged? Also, wouldn't that be what she would notice rather than her mouth being dry?
I hope you're going to come back "not another rape attempt."
A really well written first chapter and I can't wait to read the second.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
|
A great first chapter. I'm intrigued. I'm not sure that I understood that it was tongue in cheek until you told me.
I like it. It's certainly a gripping story. Lots of action for the first chapter.
I found the searching her memory while in the trunk to be a bit awkward. Lots of great information. I just didn't like the mechanism for relaying it. Maybe I just didn't like this sentence: Now, she searched her memory.
I loved this sentence though: And that was when Nova Tok changed her mind. She started to run.
OK, in this sentence:
"I mean, really," she said out loud, realizing how dry her mouth was.
How does she speak out loud when she is gagged? Also, wouldn't that be what she would notice rather than her mouth being dry?
I hope you're going to come back "not another rape attempt."
A really well written first chapter and I can't wait to read the second.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
-
You are, as always, so freaking smart. OF COURSE she can't say anything out loud! You're the only one who pointed it out, so as usual I thank you for your eagle eye. Good catch too, on my "mechanisms". I'm writing this book with Jeanne Baker; did you know her? And it's difficult because even though I do the first draft, she does tweak it considerably before passing it back to me, so we both hesitate, I think, to step on each other's toes. But these are great insights to bring to our attention! Thanks, Jill.
Comment from prettybluebirds
This sounds like the beginning of an exciting story. I was hooked from the first word to the last. I didn't spot any obvious errors and the story is nicely executed. I wish you tons of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
|
This sounds like the beginning of an exciting story. I was hooked from the first word to the last. I didn't spot any obvious errors and the story is nicely executed. I wish you tons of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much!
Comment from Wendy G
If I had six stars left, they would be for this story! Very well written. It certainly grabs and maintains the interest level from beginning to end, and holds promise of a most exciting novel. The characters seem authentic with enough detail. Best wishes for your entry in the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
|
If I had six stars left, they would be for this story! Very well written. It certainly grabs and maintains the interest level from beginning to end, and holds promise of a most exciting novel. The characters seem authentic with enough detail. Best wishes for your entry in the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 16-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
-
Thank you, Wendy! I'm humbled to have taken so much of your time; somehow the poems don't feel like I'm imposing too much on readers, but these chapters are a true investment of your resources. I appreciate it!
Comment from Crystal McNeil
A great "edge of your seat" read. Fantastic opening for what will hopefully be a great novel. Very well written! I will buy the book when it comes out.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
|
A great "edge of your seat" read. Fantastic opening for what will hopefully be a great novel. Very well written! I will buy the book when it comes out.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
-
Ha, thank you for your incredibly kind support. I hope there will be an actual book at the end of this very long walk. Thanks for your time on this.
Comment from T B Botts
Hello Laurie,
Well done on your story. It was a little bit long, but captivating nonetheless. I'm looking forward to your next chapter. I'm going to fan you so I don't miss it.
Have a blessed day.
Tom
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
|
Hello Laurie,
Well done on your story. It was a little bit long, but captivating nonetheless. I'm looking forward to your next chapter. I'm going to fan you so I don't miss it.
Have a blessed day.
Tom
Comment Written 16-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much, Tom. Yes, my chapters are normally way under 2K words, but this particular contest required a 2K minimum, so I actually combined my chapters 1 and 2 just to qualify. Thank you for reading! So appreciated.
