Life In The Big Shitty
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "It Should Have Been Ideal"The first eighty years.
19 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
This essay, It Should Have Been Ideal, is a look back that many of us can sympathize with, as the places lived through could have just as well been better with our participation.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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This essay, It Should Have Been Ideal, is a look back that many of us can sympathize with, as the places lived through could have just as well been better with our participation.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Bill. And very well might have ended better also. Blessns, Barbara. Xo
Comment from Tpa
Your story mesmerized me. You wrote so well that it immediately got my attention, and I didn't want it to end. It has so much potential. An ENJOYABLE READ.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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Your story mesmerized me. You wrote so well that it immediately got my attention, and I didn't want it to end. It has so much potential. An ENJOYABLE READ.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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Thank you. What an honor and compliment you gave me. Blessings. Xo
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Excellent entry for the Sense of Place Short Story writing prompt Contest. You grasped the short story form well. Nice picture that complimentsthe story.
Your descriptive words flow well expressing clear mental imagery of your childhood's school/orphanage experience. I went to catholic school too.
"It was on the outside a wonderful place for children." The syntax sounds weird. I would write it this way...
((( "Outside was a wonderful place for children.")))
The same with this one....
"We went to school there also" ..(((((."Also, we went there to school.")))))
"I faked my way to my sophomore year in high school, when I was married." ((( when I was married, I faked my way through my sophomore year in highschool))))
Good luck in the contest.
Gypsy
"The poet waits quietly to paint the unsaid." - Atticus
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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Excellent entry for the Sense of Place Short Story writing prompt Contest. You grasped the short story form well. Nice picture that complimentsthe story.
Your descriptive words flow well expressing clear mental imagery of your childhood's school/orphanage experience. I went to catholic school too.
"It was on the outside a wonderful place for children." The syntax sounds weird. I would write it this way...
((( "Outside was a wonderful place for children.")))
The same with this one....
"We went to school there also" ..(((((."Also, we went there to school.")))))
"I faked my way to my sophomore year in high school, when I was married." ((( when I was married, I faked my way through my sophomore year in highschool))))
Good luck in the contest.
Gypsy
"The poet waits quietly to paint the unsaid." - Atticus
Comment Written 07-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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Thank you, I appreciate your sharing. Blessings. Xo
Comment from Tom Horonzy
What the church once was it is not any longer at least in the great Northeast. Parochial schools got so expensive. Shortages of nuns and priests diminished the quality expected. Irish folks ruled the clans.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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What the church once was it is not any longer at least in the great Northeast. Parochial schools got so expensive. Shortages of nuns and priests diminished the quality expected. Irish folks ruled the clans.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Tom. We have lost so much in our world. Blessings, Xo
Comment from Mary Vigasin
I imagine feeling abandoned led to your rebellion and feeling isolated.
My mom was in the same situation by her father. She came rebellious too.
A sad and honest story.
Watch were you put capitalizing. (love, priest
chapel ,lass, had all should have been lower case)
Mary
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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I imagine feeling abandoned led to your rebellion and feeling isolated.
My mom was in the same situation by her father. She came rebellious too.
A sad and honest story.
Watch were you put capitalizing. (love, priest
chapel ,lass, had all should have been lower case)
Mary
Comment Written 06-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Mary for the help. Blessings. Xo
Comment from LJbutterfly
You've written an interesting story. That's why I assigned five stars. To make your stories even better, it is easier on the reader when the story flows from one event to the next. Here, you describe the orphanage, which is good. You were then kicked out. Next, you were in eighth grade with boys. After that, your story goes back to the orphanage where you met Jesus. So it sounds as though you took Jesus with you into eighth grade, and I'm guessing you were married to Him in sophomore year.
Making a story flow, is just a suggestion for future stories. But, always realize, YOU are the author. It's YOUR story. You can tell it as you please. Best wishes in the contest. Btw, on FanStory, you are not alone.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2022
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You've written an interesting story. That's why I assigned five stars. To make your stories even better, it is easier on the reader when the story flows from one event to the next. Here, you describe the orphanage, which is good. You were then kicked out. Next, you were in eighth grade with boys. After that, your story goes back to the orphanage where you met Jesus. So it sounds as though you took Jesus with you into eighth grade, and I'm guessing you were married to Him in sophomore year.
Making a story flow, is just a suggestion for future stories. But, always realize, YOU are the author. It's YOUR story. You can tell it as you please. Best wishes in the contest. Btw, on FanStory, you are not alone.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2022
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Thank you, so much. I appreciate the help. Blessings. Xo
Comment from Anne Johnston
Your words so aptly describe the orphanage where you lived as a young girl. Sounds like this was one of the better ones. We hear so many stories of places where kids were mistreated. This is a good entry for the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2022
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Your words so aptly describe the orphanage where you lived as a young girl. Sounds like this was one of the better ones. We hear so many stories of places where kids were mistreated. This is a good entry for the contest.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Anne. For the most part it was. Amazing really, given the number of girls. Blessings, Barbara. Xo
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You are welcome
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Thank you. Xo. Blessings
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Hi - I enjoyed reading your accounting of your early life in what sounds like a very large orphanage. I wonder if your mom put you there (and lied to herself) because she was incapable of taking care of you and your sister; you did say she would not allow you to be adopted.
This is a powerful story. I was a little confused at the end. You talk about how much you want to be on the outside, but in the end wish you never had been. There's nothing in the story that points to a reason why your life after the orphanage was worse, only that you were a loner but you state that you always were.
Since this piece is for a contest, I would urge you to make your last statement a little clearer. Also, there are a number of punctuation errors that need to be corrected. One more edit can make a world of difference.
I wish you good luck in the contest and I hope you don't take my comments as a reason to retreat. We're here to become better writers and you have an important story to tell.
Take care.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2022
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Hi - I enjoyed reading your accounting of your early life in what sounds like a very large orphanage. I wonder if your mom put you there (and lied to herself) because she was incapable of taking care of you and your sister; you did say she would not allow you to be adopted.
This is a powerful story. I was a little confused at the end. You talk about how much you want to be on the outside, but in the end wish you never had been. There's nothing in the story that points to a reason why your life after the orphanage was worse, only that you were a loner but you state that you always were.
Since this piece is for a contest, I would urge you to make your last statement a little clearer. Also, there are a number of punctuation errors that need to be corrected. One more edit can make a world of difference.
I wish you good luck in the contest and I hope you don't take my comments as a reason to retreat. We're here to become better writers and you have an important story to tell.
Take care.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2022
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Thank you, no offence taken Pam. I have many stories of before durig and after. This has limited word count. I thought it would be understood, known that it would be worse by my ending words. Blessings, Barbara. Xo.
Comment from Fleedleflump
This does a powerful job of showing how early experience of an inciting incident - in this case a lie/betrayal - can set a sequence of events, feelings and circumstances into motion. Often, a sensation such as isolation can become self-replicating, cementing itself in our minds.
Excellent piece.
Mike
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2022
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This does a powerful job of showing how early experience of an inciting incident - in this case a lie/betrayal - can set a sequence of events, feelings and circumstances into motion. Often, a sensation such as isolation can become self-replicating, cementing itself in our minds.
Excellent piece.
Mike
Comment Written 06-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Mike. Blessings, Barbara, Xo
Comment from Thomas Blanks
It Should Have Been Ideal is the story of a girl and her sister who were placed in an orphan girl's home at ages 5 and 3, but not for adoption. Instead of taking advantage of it, she rebelled. there are a lot of people who didn't have the "Leave it to Beaver" home life. Lots of people harbor anger and think they had it bad. There are people who had it worse. I used to think I was in a very small minority, growing up crazy and living through child abuse. It is not a small minority. All you can do is let go. It sounds like you have. Peace.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2022
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It Should Have Been Ideal is the story of a girl and her sister who were placed in an orphan girl's home at ages 5 and 3, but not for adoption. Instead of taking advantage of it, she rebelled. there are a lot of people who didn't have the "Leave it to Beaver" home life. Lots of people harbor anger and think they had it bad. There are people who had it worse. I used to think I was in a very small minority, growing up crazy and living through child abuse. It is not a small minority. All you can do is let go. It sounds like you have. Peace.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2022
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Thank you, t. Amen and yes, I have long ago. Blessings, Barbara. Xo
