A Natural Progression
Everything is cyclical. Everything.6 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
This story of our self-fulfilling eradication through improvement to the human condition rings true, as we are constantly looking for ways to advance productivity and prosperity with a corporate mindset.
The progression is seductively "natural" as inventing-the-better-mousetrap would eventually lead back to the inventor.
Capping the story off by indicating the Borg parallel gives the final picture of where mankind's quest for the ultimate being and society leads.
The combination of human arrogance and machine infallibility could only ever end with the elimination of the weaker.
For publication, I think the connection to Star Trek would be verboten, if not specifically associated with Paramount or whatever organization monitors copyright.
You tell this story with a smooth revelation from the beginning hook paragraph, where humankind has ended, through the chronology, which follows what we know would be the logical/illogical steps of the total replacement of the apex predator with the nexus.
Happy day, Tara.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2022
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This story of our self-fulfilling eradication through improvement to the human condition rings true, as we are constantly looking for ways to advance productivity and prosperity with a corporate mindset.
The progression is seductively "natural" as inventing-the-better-mousetrap would eventually lead back to the inventor.
Capping the story off by indicating the Borg parallel gives the final picture of where mankind's quest for the ultimate being and society leads.
The combination of human arrogance and machine infallibility could only ever end with the elimination of the weaker.
For publication, I think the connection to Star Trek would be verboten, if not specifically associated with Paramount or whatever organization monitors copyright.
You tell this story with a smooth revelation from the beginning hook paragraph, where humankind has ended, through the chronology, which follows what we know would be the logical/illogical steps of the total replacement of the apex predator with the nexus.
Happy day, Tara.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2022
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I very much appreciate your thoughtful review of my short. After having read some of your works I thought you would read it in the vein that it should be read and review accordingly. Sometimes, it is difficult for us to consider possibilities that conflict with our ideology or core beliefs and it can lead to an inability to see things with an open mind. I knew you would be able to distinguish the openness to such a topic. Thanks again for taking the time!
Tara
Comment from WalkerMan
Welcome to FanStory, as I see this is your first post. You will be among caring friends here from all over the world, and we will use the reviewing process to help you increase your writing skills, reach your full potential, and eventually publish (if you have not done so already).
Your story's topic interests me because I have been working with computers since the days of room-sized mainframes, punch cards, and even programming via plugboards; and I recall the first hand-held calculator that could add, subtract, multiply, and divide, but had no memory, and cost a lot more than my high-quality slide rule. I watched the original Star Trek series and realized the risks of AI well before the Borg showed up in Star Trek: The Second Generation.
The star rating I am giving this post is based on the following factors. Your story is well written with sensible paragraph breaks, properly constructed sentences, correct word usage without common typos, smooth development of your theme, and reasonable progression as the technology evolves. Because it is based on real science you evidently know, the events and ultimate result are entirely plausible. Also, I like your ending quotation from the Borg, which you properly credit. (When you start adding images to illustrate your posts, I recommend that you be equally careful, rather than just say "internet" or nothing at all. The place to do that is in the Author Notes below the main text.)
Thus, your story meets the requirements of the contest. Beyond that, it stands out as quite different from all other competing entries, each of which has merit of its own. I predict you'll do well here at FanStory.
Please do not feel rejected if you do not win this contest, as voting is frequently based on personal preferences more than technical quality. I did vote for this for the reasons stated above.
I'll have some more useful information for you via PM (Private Message) once the contest ends and I know where to send it. Why do I do all this for a stranger? It is the "job" I accepted in gratitude for over thirty-two years of good health since my "Icy Blind Curve Encounter" in January of 1990:
https://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?hd=1&id=872244
(Reviewing is optional, though readers opinions are always appreciated.)
Feel free to poke around in my Portfolio to read anything else of interest.
Again, welcome to FanStory. :)) -- Mike
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2022
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Welcome to FanStory, as I see this is your first post. You will be among caring friends here from all over the world, and we will use the reviewing process to help you increase your writing skills, reach your full potential, and eventually publish (if you have not done so already).
Your story's topic interests me because I have been working with computers since the days of room-sized mainframes, punch cards, and even programming via plugboards; and I recall the first hand-held calculator that could add, subtract, multiply, and divide, but had no memory, and cost a lot more than my high-quality slide rule. I watched the original Star Trek series and realized the risks of AI well before the Borg showed up in Star Trek: The Second Generation.
The star rating I am giving this post is based on the following factors. Your story is well written with sensible paragraph breaks, properly constructed sentences, correct word usage without common typos, smooth development of your theme, and reasonable progression as the technology evolves. Because it is based on real science you evidently know, the events and ultimate result are entirely plausible. Also, I like your ending quotation from the Borg, which you properly credit. (When you start adding images to illustrate your posts, I recommend that you be equally careful, rather than just say "internet" or nothing at all. The place to do that is in the Author Notes below the main text.)
Thus, your story meets the requirements of the contest. Beyond that, it stands out as quite different from all other competing entries, each of which has merit of its own. I predict you'll do well here at FanStory.
Please do not feel rejected if you do not win this contest, as voting is frequently based on personal preferences more than technical quality. I did vote for this for the reasons stated above.
I'll have some more useful information for you via PM (Private Message) once the contest ends and I know where to send it. Why do I do all this for a stranger? It is the "job" I accepted in gratitude for over thirty-two years of good health since my "Icy Blind Curve Encounter" in January of 1990:
https://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?hd=1&id=872244
(Reviewing is optional, though readers opinions are always appreciated.)
Feel free to poke around in my Portfolio to read anything else of interest.
Again, welcome to FanStory. :)) -- Mike
Comment Written 08-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2022
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Mike,
You can't imagine how much I appreciate the welcome by you and others. I've shared very little of my work previously and as I am working very hard on my first novel, the encouragement and critical reviews are much needed right now for writing fuel.
This is one of those works that just wrote itself. In all honesty, this wasn't exactly the intended path and included a heavy revision. I realized that my draft took a disastrous turn as I'd tried to force my planned plot. I'd planned to hold back, but I couldn't. The word count made for difficult restrictions though.
A precursory life/death experience influenced the writing. I am in the final edits of a piece on that and the ideas contained here are included in a larger scheme. I know... how can it get bigger than the end of the universe?! I fear there just aren't enough adequate words in a sea of words that could properly answer that.
My experience that led me to write it is true, and while I can't vouch for the accuracy of what I learned from that experience, I can tell you that I'm certain the horror of it keeps me up at night 2 years later. I've been hesitant about sharing it because... well, you'll see. I would be very anxious to know your thoughts on it and will let you know when posted.
My topics are typically dark. My poetry, the darkest form, is an emotional exorcism- always an attempt to manage that darkness within.
Anyway, thank you so much for the open mind and thoughtful review. I would love to check out some of your work and will offer any commentary worthy of being offered.
I am so glad I came here.
Thanks so much,
Tara
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You are most welcome, Tara. Helping others is most of what I do here.
One thing I did not mention before is that I help others publish at far lower cost than the "professionals" charge, without sacrificing quality. Besides two editions of my own book (with the third edition in progress), I have helped several other members to publish, with more on the way. So, when you are ready, just ask; and I'll give you the details from book design, to front matter pages, to image processing, to cover design and creation, and much more, including the publication process itself -- all without taking ANY part of your royalties on book sales.
Yes, some stories DO seem to write themselves, but then it is the author's responsibility to correct any errors, typos, and rough spots in the text. I give you the relevant rules so that you'll be less likely to make the same mistakes again. Accordingly, it is well worth your time to make the changes I listed -- both to learn and to justify the sixth star I trustfully gave you in advance in this case.
Take your time writing about that major event in your life. If you notify me by PM when it posts, I'll critique it by PM to give you a chance to handle any issues that I find before I formally review it.
I can help you overcome inner darkness too. Recently I talked another FanStorian out of increasingly dangerous depression based on an event fifty years ago that she erroneously had thought was her fault. Once I got her to see the truth, she brightened up significantly and told me I had saved her life. She is a friend, so I was much relieved.
If you have not yet done so, please read my "Icy Blind Curve Encounter" (which could have taken my life and a dozen others in 1990), as that will show you how and why I became who I am now.
You are again welcome, Tara. Yes, you will be increasingly glad you joined FanStory. :)) -- Mike
Comment from evilynne
Very interesting take on the end of mankind. The world apparently become devoid of human existence and become a declining universe of automation. Evi
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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Very interesting take on the end of mankind. The world apparently become devoid of human existence and become a declining universe of automation. Evi
Comment Written 07-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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Thanks very much for your review. I was just kind of a long for the ride on it. The words chose the path much to my horror, but with the topic I guess every possibly end would be a horror to a human.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
It's an interesting idea but not one that would come to fruition.
The dinosaurs would probably have a good laugh at the irony. - why would the dinosaurs find this ironic? They knew nothing of humanity having died out well before humans came along.
I'm not sure the premise fully works out. Humans evolving themselves out of existence almost by mistake.
It's a little bit repetitive in the transition from human to machine. It lingers too long.
and meet their end with the birth of the coming digital age. - met.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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Hi there,
It's an interesting idea but not one that would come to fruition.
The dinosaurs would probably have a good laugh at the irony. - why would the dinosaurs find this ironic? They knew nothing of humanity having died out well before humans came along.
I'm not sure the premise fully works out. Humans evolving themselves out of existence almost by mistake.
It's a little bit repetitive in the transition from human to machine. It lingers too long.
and meet their end with the birth of the coming digital age. - met.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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Thanks for your review. Perhaps the dinosaur commentary didn't work as well as it did in my head. Upon revision, I'll exclude it.
I'd love to know more about where you see holes in the premise. I would definitely consider your thoughts in my revisions.
Upon a fresh read I can see some repetition that can likely be edited out. My intent was to focus on the end of the human age and the high points of the machine age that would explain the end of the physical realm and the onset of the digital age, which will not require a physical setting. I think that more words are needed for this ambition to be fully realized.
Comment from Susan Newell
First, welcome to FanStory. You will find many people here who can help you improve your writing and whose own works are well worth reading. I wish I could give four and a half stars, because you aren't quite to a five with this one. The storyline is timely and believable. Technology is advancing faster than we are socially and spiritually. I would bet that a large percentage of people over 70 (in the developed world) have some artificial something. You write well, but could sharpen your writing with a little tightening. I have addressed a few issues below.
Sue
the human's short sightedness left them shocked ==> humans'
left them shocked when the reflection in the mirror revealed a machine. ==> reflections; mirrors (to agree with them)
There was a period where discussions -- better as "a period when"
What had once been human completely transitioned to the machines they once had created and effectively became indistinguishable from one another. -- You just finished telling us exactly the manner in which they were distinguishable. (Emotions, etc.)
The constant warfare continued until not just the Earth, but every corner of the known universe was a barren wasteland devoid of biological life and only one lead AI remained. -- Did they kill all the hundreds of millions, or more, species on Earth and elsewhere? So far we've only heard about humans becoming cyborgs and the AI wars.
and meet their end with the birth of the coming digital age. ==> met their end
The arrogance of machine and man as they pursued advancement can only result in self-created downfall. -- This paragraph switches to commentary, presumably in the present. I would separate it from the rest (asterisks are common) and change to "pursue."
Resistance is not futile. Improvise, adapt, overcome! :-)
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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First, welcome to FanStory. You will find many people here who can help you improve your writing and whose own works are well worth reading. I wish I could give four and a half stars, because you aren't quite to a five with this one. The storyline is timely and believable. Technology is advancing faster than we are socially and spiritually. I would bet that a large percentage of people over 70 (in the developed world) have some artificial something. You write well, but could sharpen your writing with a little tightening. I have addressed a few issues below.
Sue
the human's short sightedness left them shocked ==> humans'
left them shocked when the reflection in the mirror revealed a machine. ==> reflections; mirrors (to agree with them)
There was a period where discussions -- better as "a period when"
What had once been human completely transitioned to the machines they once had created and effectively became indistinguishable from one another. -- You just finished telling us exactly the manner in which they were distinguishable. (Emotions, etc.)
The constant warfare continued until not just the Earth, but every corner of the known universe was a barren wasteland devoid of biological life and only one lead AI remained. -- Did they kill all the hundreds of millions, or more, species on Earth and elsewhere? So far we've only heard about humans becoming cyborgs and the AI wars.
and meet their end with the birth of the coming digital age. ==> met their end
The arrogance of machine and man as they pursued advancement can only result in self-created downfall. -- This paragraph switches to commentary, presumably in the present. I would separate it from the rest (asterisks are common) and change to "pursue."
Resistance is not futile. Improvise, adapt, overcome! :-)
Comment Written 06-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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What a great review! I see your points and believe you are dead on. Thank you so much for taking the time to really share with me.
I'm always a believer in hope. But, I have to go where the words take me. I will revise based on your recommendations. I assume I can do that somehow.... thanks again!
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You are very welcome. The premise of your story is now past its infancy. Scary thought for the future. But sometimes unforeseen events send things off the rails. I seem to remember something about a worldwide flood in the distant past.
Comment from LovnPeace
I can see this not only as a real possibility, but a slow current happening. Man is complacently giving into many unwelcome changes as we speak. Fortunately I believe in the second coming. Blessings, Barbara. Xo
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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I can see this not only as a real possibility, but a slow current happening. Man is complacently giving into many unwelcome changes as we speak. Fortunately I believe in the second coming. Blessings, Barbara. Xo
Comment Written 05-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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Thank you for your review. Much appreciated!
I couldn't come up with a way to include the second coming in the end of the world without it being about the second coming. Lol so, I had to write it out. It was a good exercise in a tough and touchy topic for me though. Thanks again!
