Mum Rules
Mums always have the last say15 total reviews
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I THINK someone is playing a video game here that has been turned off - "blackness". But then I don't understand the word "memories".
I found this confusing and wonder if you could trade some of the words describing the action with a few that give context.
I'm giving 5 stars in case I just don't see it, but if it's for a contest, I would consider some editing. Good luck:-)
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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I THINK someone is playing a video game here that has been turned off - "blackness". But then I don't understand the word "memories".
I found this confusing and wonder if you could trade some of the words describing the action with a few that give context.
I'm giving 5 stars in case I just don't see it, but if it's for a contest, I would consider some editing. Good luck:-)
Comment Written 02-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2022
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Pam,
Some other readers also found it confusing. The basic story revolves around a video replay of a horse race and mum turning it off just before the end. Anyway , i do take your point. Unfortunately, I did not get the time to try to clarify the confusion. Thanks for taking the time to read and review.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Mum rules, Lol, of course she does! I enjoyed going to the races with you, just a shame mum decided to call it a halt before the horse crossed the line!! This was a fabulous, fun, well done 80 word flash fiction story. Good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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Mum rules, Lol, of course she does! I enjoyed going to the races with you, just a shame mum decided to call it a halt before the horse crossed the line!! This was a fabulous, fun, well done 80 word flash fiction story. Good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 02-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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Sandra,
Thanks for taking the time to read and review my contest entry. Glad you enjoyed it. Take care and have a great day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
Good luck in the contest. It is so difficult to condense a story into 80 well-choosen words, I applaud the effort. The language was colorful and the writing made it seem immediate, drawing the reader into the action, but I was confused about what was actually happening without some context. Was it a dream about a horse race? Who was the narrator? Just a lot of unanswered questions. I realize that in 80 words you can't fully develop anything, a snippet is all the reader gets, but I needed some starting point. Was it a dream, hence the blackness or a recollection, then why the blackness? Also, not sure how Mum and going to pick up Angela connects to the rest of it. If it doesn't why include it?
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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Good luck in the contest. It is so difficult to condense a story into 80 well-choosen words, I applaud the effort. The language was colorful and the writing made it seem immediate, drawing the reader into the action, but I was confused about what was actually happening without some context. Was it a dream about a horse race? Who was the narrator? Just a lot of unanswered questions. I realize that in 80 words you can't fully develop anything, a snippet is all the reader gets, but I needed some starting point. Was it a dream, hence the blackness or a recollection, then why the blackness? Also, not sure how Mum and going to pick up Angela connects to the rest of it. If it doesn't why include it?
Comment Written 02-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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thanks for taking the time to read and review my contest entry. It actually was meant to convey a video recording of a horse race. Mum turns video off so as to pick up Angela. Anyway, I am glad you enjoyed it. Take care.
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Anne Johnston
This is a great entry for the contest. A person may be lost in memories that are enjoyable, but when a mother speaks, thoughts disappear and we obey her voice. Very well done.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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This is a great entry for the contest. A person may be lost in memories that are enjoyable, but when a mother speaks, thoughts disappear and we obey her voice. Very well done.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review my contest entry. Glad you enjoyed it. Yes Mums always rule.
Take Care.
Barry Penfold.
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You re welcome
Comment from GWHARGIS
They do have a way of doing that don't they. My guess is this youngster was daydreaming and dragging their feet. I was a day dreamer big time. My mom used to squeeze my shoulder to get me to come back to reality. Lol. Great flash fiction.
Gretchen
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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They do have a way of doing that don't they. My guess is this youngster was daydreaming and dragging their feet. I was a day dreamer big time. My mom used to squeeze my shoulder to get me to come back to reality. Lol. Great flash fiction.
Gretchen
Comment Written 02-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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Gretchen,
Thanks for taking the time to read and review my contest entry.Glad you enjoyed it . Please take care and have a great day.
Barry Penfold.
Comment from LJbutterfly
This story started out with lots of fast action. Your artwork made it obvious you were describing a horse race. Number ten was too close and your rider had to move away and forward. I had to read it several times to figure out "Blackness." Haha! You were describing a TV program that got turned off. (I think) Clever. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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This story started out with lots of fast action. Your artwork made it obvious you were describing a horse race. Number ten was too close and your rider had to move away and forward. I had to read it several times to figure out "Blackness." Haha! You were describing a TV program that got turned off. (I think) Clever. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review my contest entry. Glad you enjoyed ( and got it ). Take care and have a great day.
Barry Penfold.
Comment from royowen
Yes, I must admit, when mum was alive, she was all powerful, I can remember when I was young, whether on holiday or not we always had to rush home for important events such as Christmas Etc. Beautifully written Barry, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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Yes, I must admit, when mum was alive, she was all powerful, I can remember when I was young, whether on holiday or not we always had to rush home for important events such as Christmas Etc. Beautifully written Barry, blessings Roy
Comment Written 01-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2022
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Roy,
Thanks for taking the time to read my contest entry. Yes, my mum was lile that- all powerful and what she said went. Lots of good memories. Take care and have a great day.
Barry
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Well done
Comment from Wayne Fowler
I might have rated a four, but I accept that the error might be my own lack of understanding.
Number ten too close. - The British vernacular puzzled me a lot, but this one completely baffled.
The winning post beckoning . - errant space. What is a winning post?
Blackness. - What blackness? Is he knocked out?
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2022
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I might have rated a four, but I accept that the error might be my own lack of understanding.
Number ten too close. - The British vernacular puzzled me a lot, but this one completely baffled.
The winning post beckoning . - errant space. What is a winning post?
Blackness. - What blackness? Is he knocked out?
Best wishes.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2022
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Wayne,
Thanks for your review. I think you comments reflect some of the other reviewers conumdrum. What is this all about.? Well it is a horse race. The scene depicted is a re-play interupted by Mum who turns it off. I will state that I had this written with a different more conformist end. Needed a twist. But perhaps clarity was better.?
Anyway thanks for taking the time to read it. You have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Wendy G
Fine twist at the end. I thought at first he was dreaming then realised that he was watching TV and lost in the memories the horse race evoked. Well done. Best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2022
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Fine twist at the end. I thought at first he was dreaming then realised that he was watching TV and lost in the memories the horse race evoked. Well done. Best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 31-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2022
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Wendy, once again thanks for reading my story. Glad you enjoyed it. Yes you got it right as to what it was about. A few pople have got it toally wrong but still enoyed the read. Sometimes I cannot figure it out. Take care and enjoy your day.
Regards
Barry
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This was very well-written. It seemed so realistic that the fact it was a dream sequence came as a complete surprise. Effective end. I enjoyed my read. Kate xx
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2022
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This was very well-written. It seemed so realistic that the fact it was a dream sequence came as a complete surprise. Effective end. I enjoyed my read. Kate xx
Comment Written 30-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2022
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Kate,
Thanks for reading my story. Glad you enjoyed it and that you did like the end. Have had mixed opinions about that part. that is writing for you. Have a good day.
Barry Penfold