The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "The Fall of the Highest House"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
6 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
Another wonderful chapter. Your vivid descriptions of the temple were lovely and done succinctly.
"The sin of Kullah has always been its pride, even before it was an empire." A very telling sentence.
Suggestions to consider:
'It takes an hour to walk from the Esharra to the doors (to) the holy house on a quiet day... ' Maybe 'of' instead?
'There you see a great door of red cedarwood inlaid with brilliant gold (in) writing... ' Maybe delete 'in'?
'Ilati almost said something heated, a barb at the person who deserved it not (even) in the slightest, and bit her tongue for a moment.' Delete 'even'.
Wonderful story telling. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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Another wonderful chapter. Your vivid descriptions of the temple were lovely and done succinctly.
"The sin of Kullah has always been its pride, even before it was an empire." A very telling sentence.
Suggestions to consider:
'It takes an hour to walk from the Esharra to the doors (to) the holy house on a quiet day... ' Maybe 'of' instead?
'There you see a great door of red cedarwood inlaid with brilliant gold (in) writing... ' Maybe delete 'in'?
'Ilati almost said something heated, a barb at the person who deserved it not (even) in the slightest, and bit her tongue for a moment.' Delete 'even'.
Wonderful story telling. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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Thank you so much for reading. I get so used to just being another blip that the feedback has been kind of stunning.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I had never been a reader of fantasy before Jade who is no longer on the site, and Amarha whom I read regularly. In the few chapters of yours that I've read, I'm enjoying your post as much or more than theirs.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2022
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I had never been a reader of fantasy before Jade who is no longer on the site, and Amarha whom I read regularly. In the few chapters of yours that I've read, I'm enjoying your post as much or more than theirs.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2022
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm glad I can be a good fantasy-reading experience. I'll have to check out Amarha's work, I haven't bumped into her (I'm usually too sick to get out of my own head and socialize). Again, I hope you have a wonderful day.
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I'm sorry you're still having health issues. I had hoped the worst of your sickness was behind you, or soon would be. You're an outstanding writer! Ric
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Thank you. It comes and goes, but seems less potent as time goes by and I stay in treatment. I really appreciate the positive thought. Writing is my soul food right now, so I?m glad it comes out well.
Comment from Douglas Goff
Once again, I find myself drawn into this work.
This is a great line:
lips twisting as if he had bitten into a wild almond,
I started losing focus with the giant paragraphs in. You can separate them at new dialogue points. Gives the reader's brain a respite.
Very creative mind you have over there. Nice work!
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2022
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Once again, I find myself drawn into this work.
This is a great line:
lips twisting as if he had bitten into a wild almond,
I started losing focus with the giant paragraphs in. You can separate them at new dialogue points. Gives the reader's brain a respite.
Very creative mind you have over there. Nice work!
Comment Written 26-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2022
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I tried to break up the paragraphs a bit, but most of them are dialogue of a single character with narrative tied to it. I'd separate them completely, but that tends to take away the identifier of who's speaking. Thank you for the advice, though. I'll think about it and try to improve.
Comment from robyn corum
KO,
I was sent over after reading a poem dedicated to your talent. The writer kindly let me in on who she was talking about - I had no idea you wrote fantasy - so I had to pop over. *smile* So glad I did. Good work!!
I really wish you'd consider cutting your chaps in half, though - they are far too long for FS. You deserve more reads and you must earn them - but folks are fickle when it comes to prose here - far too many people do it poorly. (That's the fact.)
Some notes for you:
1.) The next son of your blood will burn with the heat of a sun and be as brave as [d-the] befits the ruler of the four corners of the world.
2.) The priestess gagged at the stench of her own suffering and went still, though she was still as tense
--> 'still' x 2
3.) she was still as tense as a bowstring and her teeth were beginning to chatter.
--> turn this to Active Voice simply:
--> she was still as tense as a bowstring and her teeth began to chatter.
--> notice the 'still'
4.) Her leg was still throbbing, but no longer
--> used 'still' again
--> for Active Voice:
--> Her leg yet throbbed, but no longer
5.) Roshanak perched at Ilati's side, hunkered down on her heels.
--> that must have been so painful for Ilati!! hahahaha
--> watch for 'impossible language' Make sure you're saying what you mean to say.
Nicce job! I would happily read more of this story. Thanks so much!
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2022
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KO,
I was sent over after reading a poem dedicated to your talent. The writer kindly let me in on who she was talking about - I had no idea you wrote fantasy - so I had to pop over. *smile* So glad I did. Good work!!
I really wish you'd consider cutting your chaps in half, though - they are far too long for FS. You deserve more reads and you must earn them - but folks are fickle when it comes to prose here - far too many people do it poorly. (That's the fact.)
Some notes for you:
1.) The next son of your blood will burn with the heat of a sun and be as brave as [d-the] befits the ruler of the four corners of the world.
2.) The priestess gagged at the stench of her own suffering and went still, though she was still as tense
--> 'still' x 2
3.) she was still as tense as a bowstring and her teeth were beginning to chatter.
--> turn this to Active Voice simply:
--> she was still as tense as a bowstring and her teeth began to chatter.
--> notice the 'still'
4.) Her leg was still throbbing, but no longer
--> used 'still' again
--> for Active Voice:
--> Her leg yet throbbed, but no longer
5.) Roshanak perched at Ilati's side, hunkered down on her heels.
--> that must have been so painful for Ilati!! hahahaha
--> watch for 'impossible language' Make sure you're saying what you mean to say.
Nicce job! I would happily read more of this story. Thanks so much!
Comment Written 03-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I appreciate the advice immensely and I'll work harder on it. I know things are long for FS and I've considered splitting them a lot, but I was trying to keep them consistent across drafts before I confused myself. Also, I didn't realize there was a poem about what I've written. I really appreciate your time for going through it and I hope you have a wonderful day.
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I understand completely. Though I've never really had that problem. hahaha In my novels, I generally strive for a mere 1,000 words a day, if you can believe it. I feel hugely successful if I can keep that pace throughout. *smile*
BUT I do know other writers here who have your problem. Some are posting from stories that are entirely complete, for example.
I have to assume you are working in a different software program off-site and then moving your work here, right? For example, I use Word.
When Barbara or Sandra post long chaps, they tend to break them up and title them as something like Chapter 4, Part I.
And then, because I like things to be really simple, the times I ever HAVE written ahead, I 'trick' myself so there's no way of messing up - like highlighting the text of my document that hasn't been moved in italics and only changing it to normal font when it has been posted to FS. Does any of that make sense?
Anyway - good luck! You're doing great!
BTW, the ode to you is in the 'Surprise FS Friends' contest that is in voting right now. Can't tell you more than that. But I think you'll figure it out from there...
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I do use Google Docs. I?m terrified of Word, since I?ve lost whole documents on updates before. Thank you for all of the advice. I?ll have to consider chunking things up appropriately. And I?ll have to go poem hunting, just so I can say thank you. Hopefully to the right person. Have an awesome day!
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Oh, no! I ADORE Word. And most especially the newer versions. They update and save themselves. hahaha
I would recommend trying it again, really.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
I have no criticisms to offer. This is a fine chapter, I enjoyed reading it as much as I would any chapter in a published book that I read in real life. I appreciated your choice not to show Ilati growing so sick she collapsed, to leave the place to show her dream. That must have been quite a difficult decision to make. For what it's worth, I think you chose right. Kate xx
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2022
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I have no criticisms to offer. This is a fine chapter, I enjoyed reading it as much as I would any chapter in a published book that I read in real life. I appreciated your choice not to show Ilati growing so sick she collapsed, to leave the place to show her dream. That must have been quite a difficult decision to make. For what it's worth, I think you chose right. Kate xx
Comment Written 22-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I honestly am still not sure if I should add more to the top and split the chapter into two or leave it where it is, something I?m going to struggle with for a while. I really appreciate your time and I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from jp88
Lovely chapter, that was great. You have a real gift for setting the scene, you know? It felt immersive, the characters are intriguing and it was an overall really engaging piece that I thoroughly enjoyed. Well done!
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2022
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Lovely chapter, that was great. You have a real gift for setting the scene, you know? It felt immersive, the characters are intriguing and it was an overall really engaging piece that I thoroughly enjoyed. Well done!
Comment Written 22-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2022
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Thank you very much! I appreciate the review and you giving it your time. I hope you have a wonderful day.
