Cleona
A Flight, A Fancy, A Fiction27 total reviews
Comment from Badger_29
Simply fascinating narrative, you had me on the edge of my seat wondering what was going to happen next. Your character descriptions, and your smooth flow of words I found captivating.
Can't wait to read the second half!
Keep up the good work!
Missing you,
Brother Badger
Darren
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2022
  |
Simply fascinating narrative, you had me on the edge of my seat wondering what was going to happen next. Your character descriptions, and your smooth flow of words I found captivating.
Can't wait to read the second half!
Keep up the good work!
Missing you,
Brother Badger
Darren
Comment Written 19-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2022
-
Hey, thank you for reading, and the encouraging comments!
Second (And final) chapter coming soon!
irish
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Very well written. Good work.
I like the unique, originality. (As far as I know, anyway.)
Is it true about the flashlight and fireflies?
Best wishes..
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2022
 |
Very well written. Good work.
I like the unique, originality. (As far as I know, anyway.)
Is it true about the flashlight and fireflies?
Best wishes..
Comment Written 19-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2022
-
Hi, Wayne! Thank you for reading, and your kind comments. I did not remember the exact sequence for the fireflies, but it does work.
irish
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a good job with your unique story, Irishauthorme.
I enjoyed reading it. Your words were well thought out. I
could see everything as I read. The story was interesting.
The image is in between some paragraphs--not at the top.
I rated 5 because I believe you will revise, Jan
May I suggest ~
A soft, cooling twilight breeze was coming down off the Big Horn (M)mountains, sweeping over the high block wall surrounding my back yard. The thunderheads rearing up in the western sky were tinged pink, dry lightning flashing [ flashed}] from their dark undersides.
I had just finished sweeping off the house deck and was snapping the broom into the hanger when I heard the sound. Bright, tinkling, with curious changes, like a Tchaikovsky piano concerto. [incomplete sentence describing the sound ] It was a siren song.
I went down the steps and crossed the soft, damp lawn. There, behind the giant Willow[ no capital ] tree, across the patio tiles, she stood in the corner fountain, poised on one small foot.
Clear water poured from the pitcher she held in her left hand. In her right, a solar rose pulsed with a soft, red light. Her head was turned to me, the curls under her pointed hat flying behind. Her tunic was buttoned up the front and her short skirt hugged her legs. The eternal smile promised a bright future. In keeping with my Celtic heritage, I had named her Elowyn, an ancient Cornish name for the Elm[ no capital (he HAD named her already??? so he'd met her before??] tree, long associated with the mysterious fairies, elves and the underworld.
The hanging fronds of the Willow [willow] swayed in the breeze as small lights blinked on behind the leaves of the Virginia Creepers[ creepers ] climbing the wall.
I sat on the wooden bench and closed my eyes, absorbing the gentle music.[ I sat on the wooden bench, closed my eyes, and absorbed the gentle music. ]
When I opened my eyes, fireflies were dancing [ danced ] just over the fountain pool.
supper on the beach while we watched the light fade over the blue water of the Gulf Of [ of ] Mexico.
When Arguella brought coffee royals, she looked at the swarm of lights, smiled at us(,) and took a flashlight from her apron.
Despite a massive search by the county officers and Wyo [ real name or Wyoming ] Search and Rescue, no trace of her was ever found.
The fireflies froze for a moment, hovering, then slowly formed two circles. I flashed the sequence again(,) and the inside circle flew up on the third and fourth flashes, dipping as the outside circle flew up on the last two. A dance, a beautiful dance!
The largest red dragonfly I had ever seen lit on the arm of my bench.
It's [ Its ] wings must have spanned six inches. It cocked it's [ its ] head a few times, then flew through the bright dancers, grabbed one with it's [its ]feet and flew back and lit on the bench arm. The firefly squirmed, trying to protect itself from the gaping jaws above it.
Instinctively(,) I whipped off my ball cap and swatted the dragonfly hard. Dragonfly and prey fell to the tiles. The firefly bounced free. The dragonfly's huge wings buzzed it around in a circle on the tiles.
It's [Its ] back was broken. I hit it again(,) and it stopped buzzing.
When I looked up(,) the fireflies were gone. I felt a loss. How could they have disappeared so fast?
I looked down at the flickering light on the tiles and gently rolled the firefly into my cap. I raised my cap(,) and I could see one tiny wing was broken, folded over.
There was sudden hush and silence. Everything slowed down, then stopped. The waterfall froze in place. The Willow[willow] fronds were limp and still. My brain went numb. My eyes closed, and yet I could see. Myriad lights flew around me as a woman's warm, gentle voice spoke in my mind:
"Michaelino, you saved one of us from a horrible death. She is injured, and you are the only one who can save her. Do you believe in us?"
I couldn't speak but my heart responded; "Yes, yes!"
"Her name is Cleona."
She read my question before it was formed.
"You will receive guidance."
When I awoke(,) there was a tiny girl, about the size of a robin, lying in my cap. She was a little replica of Elowyn, with one broken wing. A dim light glowed inside her.
I shook my head a few times. The fountain was silent, no light in the rose. The Willow [willow ] fronds hung limp and still.
I looked down, but she was still there. I rose and took my patient inside and lay her on the kitchen island counter. I heard a thump at the open door. A large tortoise stumbled over the door sill and into the kitchen, holding its grizzled head high. I heard a grating voice in my mind: "I am Epictetos. I live in your garden. Show me Cleona."
I put my hand under the cap and held the small form down. The tortoise looked at her very close, then cocked his head and looked up at me. I felt him assessing me.[ add a space here ]"She is very near to going to the green."
His beak opened and snapped shut once. "There are some herbs you will need to make a vox populi."
"Vox---?
"A medicinal drink!"
"Two herbs are in your garden, rosemary and dill. Sage you can gather, and there is a patch of mint on the riverbank at the power-plant bridge. The other herb is the root of the Aswagandha plant, but you will have to steal it from the garden of Hui Zheng, a mean and cruel man." The tortoise turned and thumped toward the door. He looked back at me over the knobby plates of his shell. "Do not delay!" he grated, then he was gone.
I sat for a minute after Epictetos left. I looked at the open, empty door then at the little, still form, crumpled on my cap. I felt tired, but I got up and went outside. From Alanna's deck display(,) I took the bearded gnome from his bed. I went back in and put Cleona on the soft, white mattress cover[ of it]. Her hat was gone(,) and her dank curls were dark against the white cover.
I looked up the ashwagondha (withania somnifera) plant and printed out a picture. The description said you had to wait until the foliage died down, then harvest the root.
It was kind of late, eight o'clock, but I looked up Hui Zhang's 'Healing Herbs' yellow page ad and called him. There was a recorded message(,) and I left my number and a message that I wanted to buy herbs. A minute later(,) he called me back. I told him my aunt was dying, and needed that plant root. "No! No sell ashwagondha! You buy other herbs!" Wow. He was mean and cruel!
By ten that night I had all the herbs except the mint. I crept down the riverbank next to the bridge and got a basket full of it. I went back to the house and looked up Hui Zhang on my GPS. He had an acreage on Buffalo Creek Road, right on the BigHorn River, about eight miles from town.
With my shovel, a sandwich bag, and a razor knife in my pickup, I drove out and turned left onto Buffalo Creek Road. When my GPS said, "Arrived at the destination!" I drove slowly past the two-story house. With just yard lights on, I could clearly see the tall tomato vines behind the garden fence.
I parked about two hundred yards away and walked softly to Zhang's graveled driveway. I could hear the river gurgling as I kept close to the house. I walked quickly across the lighted space and through the garden gate. With my flashlight muffled(,) I looked at four rows of herb plants before I finally found the Aswagandha, way in the back, just one, and it was blooming! I grabbed the bush and pulled it up anyway, cut the small root loose and stuffed the bush back into the hole. The root was about the size of a green bean.
I heard a growl behind me. Turning, my flashlight lit a huge, black dog, snarling, teeth bared. I started back toward the fence, then a beam of light blinded me(,) and a sharp voice shouted a command.
"Whoever you are, you stop! One command, my dog tear you to pieces!" The dog barked but stayed still. "County police here soon!"
The hair on the back of my neck stood up. I froze for a moment, then I took the sandwich bag from my rear pocket and held my hands behind my back while I wrapped the root in the plastic bag. I held one hand over the other in front of my face and stuffed the root bag in my mouth and pushed it up between my cheek and gums with my tongue.
I heard the siren before I saw the flashing red and blue lights. The police car roared into the driveway, spraying gravel. Two cops jumped out, flashlights in one hand and service pistols in the other.
"Over here! Over here!" I heard Hui shout. Moments later(,) I was face down on the damp garden earth, hands above my head, then I was cuffed and hustled to the cop car. A hand on my head forced me into the back seat. The cops got a statement from Wes[ who is Wes], then we were on our way. My Lord, what about Cleona? She will die without this herb!
At the jail, I was strip-searched, then given an orange jump suit[ jumpsuit ] and put in a chair in a small room. A deputy I knew, Scott O'Brian, came in with a clipboard and a small recorder. Scott put everything on the small table, then sat. He leaned back in his chair, glared at me, then sighed. He held a ballpoint pen by the top and slid his fingers down, reversed the pen and slid his fingers up and down, again, and again.
"All right Mike, what is this all about?"
I pushed the bagged ashwagondha root back against my upper gum. "Oh, yeah. Well see, Scott, I have this dying little garden vixen, or fairy in my kitchen, and I am collecting herbs to make a special medicinal drink that might save her life.
The only Aswagandha plants in this area are growing in Hui Zhang's garden. He is a mean and cruel man, and would not sell me any of the plant, so had to steal it! Simple, no?" Who in the hell would believe that story? No way out. I needed a good story.
"Look, Scott, I have this rare mental ailment and I need a certain herb to treat it. I called Mr. Zhang, but he would not sell it to me. I am willing to pay him whatever, for the herb." I leaned forward. "I don't remember being in his garden!"
"Did you steal the herb?"
"No," I lied, "He caught me, and you guys got there too fast."
"You are being charged with criminal trespass with intent to rob, could get you 6 months in jail and a $5,000 fine." Scott waited here, then he said, "You don't remember being there, but you do remember that you didn't steal anything?"
He carefully watched me for a reply. I took a chance.
"Can I get away with pleading just trespass?"
Scott's smile was grim. "Not unless you get a damn good attorney."
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2022
|
You did a good job with your unique story, Irishauthorme.
I enjoyed reading it. Your words were well thought out. I
could see everything as I read. The story was interesting.
The image is in between some paragraphs--not at the top.
I rated 5 because I believe you will revise, Jan
May I suggest ~
A soft, cooling twilight breeze was coming down off the Big Horn (M)mountains, sweeping over the high block wall surrounding my back yard. The thunderheads rearing up in the western sky were tinged pink, dry lightning flashing [ flashed}] from their dark undersides.
I had just finished sweeping off the house deck and was snapping the broom into the hanger when I heard the sound. Bright, tinkling, with curious changes, like a Tchaikovsky piano concerto. [incomplete sentence describing the sound ] It was a siren song.
I went down the steps and crossed the soft, damp lawn. There, behind the giant Willow[ no capital ] tree, across the patio tiles, she stood in the corner fountain, poised on one small foot.
Clear water poured from the pitcher she held in her left hand. In her right, a solar rose pulsed with a soft, red light. Her head was turned to me, the curls under her pointed hat flying behind. Her tunic was buttoned up the front and her short skirt hugged her legs. The eternal smile promised a bright future. In keeping with my Celtic heritage, I had named her Elowyn, an ancient Cornish name for the Elm[ no capital (he HAD named her already??? so he'd met her before??] tree, long associated with the mysterious fairies, elves and the underworld.
The hanging fronds of the Willow [willow] swayed in the breeze as small lights blinked on behind the leaves of the Virginia Creepers[ creepers ] climbing the wall.
I sat on the wooden bench and closed my eyes, absorbing the gentle music.[ I sat on the wooden bench, closed my eyes, and absorbed the gentle music. ]
When I opened my eyes, fireflies were dancing [ danced ] just over the fountain pool.
supper on the beach while we watched the light fade over the blue water of the Gulf Of [ of ] Mexico.
When Arguella brought coffee royals, she looked at the swarm of lights, smiled at us(,) and took a flashlight from her apron.
Despite a massive search by the county officers and Wyo [ real name or Wyoming ] Search and Rescue, no trace of her was ever found.
The fireflies froze for a moment, hovering, then slowly formed two circles. I flashed the sequence again(,) and the inside circle flew up on the third and fourth flashes, dipping as the outside circle flew up on the last two. A dance, a beautiful dance!
The largest red dragonfly I had ever seen lit on the arm of my bench.
It's [ Its ] wings must have spanned six inches. It cocked it's [ its ] head a few times, then flew through the bright dancers, grabbed one with it's [its ]feet and flew back and lit on the bench arm. The firefly squirmed, trying to protect itself from the gaping jaws above it.
Instinctively(,) I whipped off my ball cap and swatted the dragonfly hard. Dragonfly and prey fell to the tiles. The firefly bounced free. The dragonfly's huge wings buzzed it around in a circle on the tiles.
It's [Its ] back was broken. I hit it again(,) and it stopped buzzing.
When I looked up(,) the fireflies were gone. I felt a loss. How could they have disappeared so fast?
I looked down at the flickering light on the tiles and gently rolled the firefly into my cap. I raised my cap(,) and I could see one tiny wing was broken, folded over.
There was sudden hush and silence. Everything slowed down, then stopped. The waterfall froze in place. The Willow[willow] fronds were limp and still. My brain went numb. My eyes closed, and yet I could see. Myriad lights flew around me as a woman's warm, gentle voice spoke in my mind:
"Michaelino, you saved one of us from a horrible death. She is injured, and you are the only one who can save her. Do you believe in us?"
I couldn't speak but my heart responded; "Yes, yes!"
"Her name is Cleona."
She read my question before it was formed.
"You will receive guidance."
When I awoke(,) there was a tiny girl, about the size of a robin, lying in my cap. She was a little replica of Elowyn, with one broken wing. A dim light glowed inside her.
I shook my head a few times. The fountain was silent, no light in the rose. The Willow [willow ] fronds hung limp and still.
I looked down, but she was still there. I rose and took my patient inside and lay her on the kitchen island counter. I heard a thump at the open door. A large tortoise stumbled over the door sill and into the kitchen, holding its grizzled head high. I heard a grating voice in my mind: "I am Epictetos. I live in your garden. Show me Cleona."
I put my hand under the cap and held the small form down. The tortoise looked at her very close, then cocked his head and looked up at me. I felt him assessing me.[ add a space here ]"She is very near to going to the green."
His beak opened and snapped shut once. "There are some herbs you will need to make a vox populi."
"Vox---?
"A medicinal drink!"
"Two herbs are in your garden, rosemary and dill. Sage you can gather, and there is a patch of mint on the riverbank at the power-plant bridge. The other herb is the root of the Aswagandha plant, but you will have to steal it from the garden of Hui Zheng, a mean and cruel man." The tortoise turned and thumped toward the door. He looked back at me over the knobby plates of his shell. "Do not delay!" he grated, then he was gone.
I sat for a minute after Epictetos left. I looked at the open, empty door then at the little, still form, crumpled on my cap. I felt tired, but I got up and went outside. From Alanna's deck display(,) I took the bearded gnome from his bed. I went back in and put Cleona on the soft, white mattress cover[ of it]. Her hat was gone(,) and her dank curls were dark against the white cover.
I looked up the ashwagondha (withania somnifera) plant and printed out a picture. The description said you had to wait until the foliage died down, then harvest the root.
It was kind of late, eight o'clock, but I looked up Hui Zhang's 'Healing Herbs' yellow page ad and called him. There was a recorded message(,) and I left my number and a message that I wanted to buy herbs. A minute later(,) he called me back. I told him my aunt was dying, and needed that plant root. "No! No sell ashwagondha! You buy other herbs!" Wow. He was mean and cruel!
By ten that night I had all the herbs except the mint. I crept down the riverbank next to the bridge and got a basket full of it. I went back to the house and looked up Hui Zhang on my GPS. He had an acreage on Buffalo Creek Road, right on the BigHorn River, about eight miles from town.
With my shovel, a sandwich bag, and a razor knife in my pickup, I drove out and turned left onto Buffalo Creek Road. When my GPS said, "Arrived at the destination!" I drove slowly past the two-story house. With just yard lights on, I could clearly see the tall tomato vines behind the garden fence.
I parked about two hundred yards away and walked softly to Zhang's graveled driveway. I could hear the river gurgling as I kept close to the house. I walked quickly across the lighted space and through the garden gate. With my flashlight muffled(,) I looked at four rows of herb plants before I finally found the Aswagandha, way in the back, just one, and it was blooming! I grabbed the bush and pulled it up anyway, cut the small root loose and stuffed the bush back into the hole. The root was about the size of a green bean.
I heard a growl behind me. Turning, my flashlight lit a huge, black dog, snarling, teeth bared. I started back toward the fence, then a beam of light blinded me(,) and a sharp voice shouted a command.
"Whoever you are, you stop! One command, my dog tear you to pieces!" The dog barked but stayed still. "County police here soon!"
The hair on the back of my neck stood up. I froze for a moment, then I took the sandwich bag from my rear pocket and held my hands behind my back while I wrapped the root in the plastic bag. I held one hand over the other in front of my face and stuffed the root bag in my mouth and pushed it up between my cheek and gums with my tongue.
I heard the siren before I saw the flashing red and blue lights. The police car roared into the driveway, spraying gravel. Two cops jumped out, flashlights in one hand and service pistols in the other.
"Over here! Over here!" I heard Hui shout. Moments later(,) I was face down on the damp garden earth, hands above my head, then I was cuffed and hustled to the cop car. A hand on my head forced me into the back seat. The cops got a statement from Wes[ who is Wes], then we were on our way. My Lord, what about Cleona? She will die without this herb!
At the jail, I was strip-searched, then given an orange jump suit[ jumpsuit ] and put in a chair in a small room. A deputy I knew, Scott O'Brian, came in with a clipboard and a small recorder. Scott put everything on the small table, then sat. He leaned back in his chair, glared at me, then sighed. He held a ballpoint pen by the top and slid his fingers down, reversed the pen and slid his fingers up and down, again, and again.
"All right Mike, what is this all about?"
I pushed the bagged ashwagondha root back against my upper gum. "Oh, yeah. Well see, Scott, I have this dying little garden vixen, or fairy in my kitchen, and I am collecting herbs to make a special medicinal drink that might save her life.
The only Aswagandha plants in this area are growing in Hui Zhang's garden. He is a mean and cruel man, and would not sell me any of the plant, so had to steal it! Simple, no?" Who in the hell would believe that story? No way out. I needed a good story.
"Look, Scott, I have this rare mental ailment and I need a certain herb to treat it. I called Mr. Zhang, but he would not sell it to me. I am willing to pay him whatever, for the herb." I leaned forward. "I don't remember being in his garden!"
"Did you steal the herb?"
"No," I lied, "He caught me, and you guys got there too fast."
"You are being charged with criminal trespass with intent to rob, could get you 6 months in jail and a $5,000 fine." Scott waited here, then he said, "You don't remember being there, but you do remember that you didn't steal anything?"
He carefully watched me for a reply. I took a chance.
"Can I get away with pleading just trespass?"
Scott's smile was grim. "Not unless you get a damn good attorney."
Comment Written 19-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2022
-
Wow, I am humbled! I really appreciate the time and effort you extended me, reviewing and CORRECTING, all those errors in my composing! I went back and edited everything (I think!) you suggested, and my story is now easier to read and understand.
To just say I am grateful would be an understatement.
You turned a dandelion into a rose.
Thank you!
irish
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
So if I've understood correctly there is more to come. I'm very glad as I want to read more. It was delightful, especially using light to organise firefly dancing, tragic, the loss of his love and will to write, full of pathos, Cleona's plight, and adventure, battling to get the Aswagandha root. What a rich mix. I don't read much fantasy in normal life, but then this didn't feel like fantasy-too much humour in it for that. As you no doubt guess, if I had had a six I would have used it. But the thought is there. Kate xx
Please consider:
brought Elowen's face her to life > brought Elowen's face to life
holding it's grizzled head > holding its grizzled head
|
So if I've understood correctly there is more to come. I'm very glad as I want to read more. It was delightful, especially using light to organise firefly dancing, tragic, the loss of his love and will to write, full of pathos, Cleona's plight, and adventure, battling to get the Aswagandha root. What a rich mix. I don't read much fantasy in normal life, but then this didn't feel like fantasy-too much humour in it for that. As you no doubt guess, if I had had a six I would have used it. But the thought is there. Kate xx
Please consider:
brought Elowen's face her to life > brought Elowen's face to life
holding it's grizzled head > holding its grizzled head
Comment Written 19-Aug-2022
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I'm hoping he has a really good attorney. I can't wait to read more. This is really really good.
Dada, dada, da!da! Dada, dada, da!da!"I was nodding to the rhythm. (space needed after the ending quotation mark and 'I')
"Over her! Over here!" (here??)
Scott put everything on the small table, then sat down. (you can omit 'down' it's not needed)
|
I'm hoping he has a really good attorney. I can't wait to read more. This is really really good.
Dada, dada, da!da! Dada, dada, da!da!"I was nodding to the rhythm. (space needed after the ending quotation mark and 'I')
"Over her! Over here!" (here??)
Scott put everything on the small table, then sat down. (you can omit 'down' it's not needed)
Comment Written 19-Aug-2022
Comment from lancellot
I finished sweeping off the house deck and was snapping the broom into the hanger when I heard the sound. Bright, tinkling, with curious changes, like a Tchaikovsky piano concerto. It was a siren song.
-In this paragraph you start to mix present and past tense. It seem you stick with past.
|
I finished sweeping off the house deck and was snapping the broom into the hanger when I heard the sound. Bright, tinkling, with curious changes, like a Tchaikovsky piano concerto. It was a siren song.
-In this paragraph you start to mix present and past tense. It seem you stick with past.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2022
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
This story, albeit a bit strange, kept me reading. You did a good job with detail and description. I found a few typos, no big deal, but you can easily correct. They are listed here:
I could hear thr river gurgling as I kept close to the house.
"Over her! Over here!"
Finally a question:
I heard Wes shout.
Who is Wes. Apparently I missed something.
Can't wait to read part two.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2022
|
This story, albeit a bit strange, kept me reading. You did a good job with detail and description. I found a few typos, no big deal, but you can easily correct. They are listed here:
I could hear thr river gurgling as I kept close to the house.
"Over her! Over here!"
Finally a question:
I heard Wes shout.
Who is Wes. Apparently I missed something.
Can't wait to read part two.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2022
-
Wow, thank you for reading, and the great suggestions! I changed the name of the Chinese Herb man to make him sound more authentic, missed that one name change. made the other changes, thank you! hope you like the final chapter!
irish
