Comment from Brady Bowen

Good

This has good bones, and seems like it is part of an entertaining story.

Consider changing "Through pants, I hold out my hand." to "gasping for breath, I held out out my hand expectantly for the bracelet

 Comment Written 20-Sep-2022

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reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022

Thanks for the feedback.

Comment from Brett Matthew West

Excellent

Appears Iona on verge of giving up.

Should "Whipping his fingers in the dirt" be Wiping his fingers in the dirt?

Using her as bait could backfire and create even more problems for them key question indeed if she will remain loyal.

Should the word me be after "and it's worrying"?

Should the word off follow "I'd taken my mask"?

 Comment Written 19-Sep-2022

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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022

Thank you for your feedback.

Comment from lancellot

Excellent

A well written chapter.

notes:

"With our limited resources, the masks are our only {defense." My Aunt says. "Our} only chance is to find a countermeasure. I'm counting on you, Triana."

- edit speech tag

"Fine." Iona agrees.
-"Fine," Iona agrees.

 Comment Written 23-Aug-2022

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reply by the author on 23-Aug-2022

Thanks lancellot. Just for clarification, should I remove what you marked because it's unnecessary? Or should I have a comma rather than a period?

reply by lancellot on 23-Aug-2022

comma.

reply by the author on 23-Aug-2022

Thanks

Comment from Michael Ludwinder

Excellent

I thought this was well written. The pressure here - do we look for the mine - really can be felt. And the stress of the situation and decisions that have to be made. This is a well written chapter. Excellent job with both internal and external dialogue. Loved it.

 Comment Written 19-Aug-2022

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reply by the author on 19-Aug-2022

Thank you.

Comment from Carol Hillebrenner

Good

The story is good and captured my attention but your proofreading needs work.
Para 2 will should be we will or we'll
para 11 . . . follow . . . What? the sentence seems incomplete.
. . . swat (at) it . . . (if he actually swatted it, it would be dead)
You do want you kid, But Iona (what's this mean?)
. . . (rubbing) her cheek . . .
. . . a finger (pokes) . . .
Ripping my arm . . . her grasp. (this is a sentence fragment)
Did you mean? Becka sticks out . . . running. A name isn't a sentence.
(Dangling) a mushroom . . .
Kneeling next to her. This is not a sentence. How about---Kneeling next to her, I ask, "So do you . . .
. . . trees (filling) my ears . . .

 Comment Written 18-Aug-2022

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reply by the author on 18-Aug-2022

Thank you for your feedback. It's always helpful.