The Best Time of Ohmie's Life
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Best Time of Ohmie's Life pt 2"Dying of cancer, Ohmie learns his parents are spie
8 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Wayne,
You still have me intrigued. I'm not sure where this is foing and apparently you aren't either. That's okay -- Ohmie knows. Just follow him, like he's following his dad. A couple notes below.
Sue
Was my memory of Nurse May helping me the dream? -- ???
I asked my hands. Yup. My left was the one that had done a little wiggle when he'd said it. -- Exceptional
There weren't many, other pedestrians, that is, but I tried not to stand out anyway. -- I'd omit the comma after pedestrians
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2022
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Wayne,
You still have me intrigued. I'm not sure where this is foing and apparently you aren't either. That's okay -- Ohmie knows. Just follow him, like he's following his dad. A couple notes below.
Sue
Was my memory of Nurse May helping me the dream? -- ???
I asked my hands. Yup. My left was the one that had done a little wiggle when he'd said it. -- Exceptional
There weren't many, other pedestrians, that is, but I tried not to stand out anyway. -- I'd omit the comma after pedestrians
Comment Written 20-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2022
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Thank you.
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:-)
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is getting to be quite mysterious, Wayne. I like it. You have a talent for writing in many different genres it seems. I look forward to reading the next chapter. I hope you don't leave us hanging without closure. Lol
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2022
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This is getting to be quite mysterious, Wayne. I like it. You have a talent for writing in many different genres it seems. I look forward to reading the next chapter. I hope you don't leave us hanging without closure. Lol
Comment Written 18-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2022
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lol
20K words so far
I 'think' I know where I want to take it, but....
Thank you for the review.
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You?re most welcome, Wayne.
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
Definitely a different Ohmie than I have become accustomed to. But it shows his "well-roundedness."
A few considerations:
Para 1, 10th sentence: (chemo therapy) should be (chemotherapy)
Para 4, 2nd sentence: (There's) should be (there're or there are) bodies => plural
Para 8, 1st sentence: (Old World) should be (Old-World) hyphen
Para 26, 3rd sentence: Add comma after (So)
Para 27, 1st sentence: Need closing quote mark after (street,)
Para 27, 2nd sentence: Need closing quote mark after (cab.)
Para 30, 1st sentence: Remove comma between (again) and (but)
Para 37, 1st sentence: Add comma after (meanwhile)
Para 38, 3rd & 4th sentence: (back pack) should be (backpack)
Para 38, 6th sentence: (he be) should be (he'd be or he would be)
You've got one tiny chunk of a compelling mystery all wrapped up in one story Wayne. Where's the rest? Looking forward to continuing the saga.
Good job
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2022
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Definitely a different Ohmie than I have become accustomed to. But it shows his "well-roundedness."
A few considerations:
Para 1, 10th sentence: (chemo therapy) should be (chemotherapy)
Para 4, 2nd sentence: (There's) should be (there're or there are) bodies => plural
Para 8, 1st sentence: (Old World) should be (Old-World) hyphen
Para 26, 3rd sentence: Add comma after (So)
Para 27, 1st sentence: Need closing quote mark after (street,)
Para 27, 2nd sentence: Need closing quote mark after (cab.)
Para 30, 1st sentence: Remove comma between (again) and (but)
Para 37, 1st sentence: Add comma after (meanwhile)
Para 38, 3rd & 4th sentence: (back pack) should be (backpack)
Para 38, 6th sentence: (he be) should be (he'd be or he would be)
You've got one tiny chunk of a compelling mystery all wrapped up in one story Wayne. Where's the rest? Looking forward to continuing the saga.
Good job
Comment Written 18-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2022
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Thank you for your very helpful reviews. I truly appreciate them.
This started as a stand alone story, until my pencil rebelled. One word after another, now at 20K. I sort of have an idea how to bring it off, but feel I lack the specific knowledge to make it happen.
But it occurred to me that there might be a niche for a teenage spy, one to whom death is insignificant.
What happens to FanStory writers who tease and then drop a story unfinished? Banishment? Worse?
Thanks again.
Comment from Wendy G
I like your notes - and I'm sure you'll figure it out as you go. This was an engaging and enjoyable story, and held my interest through to the end. Well done.
Wendy
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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I like your notes - and I'm sure you'll figure it out as you go. This was an engaging and enjoyable story, and held my interest through to the end. Well done.
Wendy
Comment Written 16-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Ohmie in modern times has been a little more confusing for me, and I saw your author's note stating that you're not sure yourself what to do with it. It might be a good idea to stick with your routine of posting when you're done - maybe by then you will have figured out who your protagonist is:-) For instance, I didn't get the part where you asked your hands; your left had done a little wiggle when he'd said it. Your hands talk to you?
I wonder if you're forcing yourself into a box with a long write that doesn't seem to have a destination right now. Your shorter stories that begin and end in one read are easier to follow and have a better flow. Maybe you need a character other than Ohmie, as he doesn't feel right in the modern setting.
Anyway, that's my two cents for what it's worth. I know you'll figure it out and get back on track.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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Ohmie in modern times has been a little more confusing for me, and I saw your author's note stating that you're not sure yourself what to do with it. It might be a good idea to stick with your routine of posting when you're done - maybe by then you will have figured out who your protagonist is:-) For instance, I didn't get the part where you asked your hands; your left had done a little wiggle when he'd said it. Your hands talk to you?
I wonder if you're forcing yourself into a box with a long write that doesn't seem to have a destination right now. Your shorter stories that begin and end in one read are easier to follow and have a better flow. Maybe you need a character other than Ohmie, as he doesn't feel right in the modern setting.
Anyway, that's my two cents for what it's worth. I know you'll figure it out and get back on track.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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I've been away a couple days. Don't know whether I've replied to your review, or not.
Yes, my hands talk to me. It's a useful tool when trying to remember what GPS said - left or right.
I have a vague idea what to do with the story, but as I said I'm about 20K in on a 40-50K project. Will no doubt have rewrites that change previous actions. I'm mostly trying to get a little feedback on the viability of the story.
Thank you for the review.
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I get ya! I meet with a writer's group once a week - feedback is good. Good luck figuring it out.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
Well I for one certainly hope you'll post it all, I'm loving it, although I don't see it as particularly Ohmie'ish. Maybe in the re-write you'll do some re-naming. I really appreciated the summary of part I. Clever how you introduced a couple of things that hadn't been explicitly stated. I find your writing in general has improved recently. Bravo!
SPAGs:
"I guess > floating speech comma
hope I'd been listening > hoped I'd been listening
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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Well I for one certainly hope you'll post it all, I'm loving it, although I don't see it as particularly Ohmie'ish. Maybe in the re-write you'll do some re-naming. I really appreciated the summary of part I. Clever how you introduced a couple of things that hadn't been explicitly stated. I find your writing in general has improved recently. Bravo!
SPAGs:
"I guess > floating speech comma
hope I'd been listening > hoped I'd been listening
Comment Written 15-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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Thank you.
The first chapter, I thought it would be fun to diversify Ohmie. But it makes sense to simply change the names.
Comment from pome lover
well, you said Ohmie has cancer? Is he having any reactions to it? Isn't he missing his chemo treatments?
This is getting interesting, so I hope you're thinkin' away to helping Ohm become a recognized hero before his ...departure.
Katharine
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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well, you said Ohmie has cancer? Is he having any reactions to it? Isn't he missing his chemo treatments?
This is getting interesting, so I hope you're thinkin' away to helping Ohm become a recognized hero before his ...departure.
Katharine
Comment Written 15-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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Yes. The next section explores the family dynamic of resolving to die. Although the easy (predictable) route would be perpetual remission.
Thank you for the review.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is another fun Ohmie story but with a glitch. Dad doesn't seem to worry about him enough. Ohmie is sick but he manages to make his adventure seem sort of fun and not as scary as it should be for the average just barely thirteen-year-old. I'm looking forward to the next episode. One little glitch: missing word--. . . time (to) put his gun . . .
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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This is another fun Ohmie story but with a glitch. Dad doesn't seem to worry about him enough. Ohmie is sick but he manages to make his adventure seem sort of fun and not as scary as it should be for the average just barely thirteen-year-old. I'm looking forward to the next episode. One little glitch: missing word--. . . time (to) put his gun . . .
Comment Written 15-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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Dad is not exactly a family man.
Thank you for the review and catches.
