The Deck of Cards
oh my, not what one would think16 total reviews
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
So, I take the rap of being a female reviewer, and I hope you don't think I am taking a hard line because apparently, if I am reading this right, this is supposed to be a bit of a joke on an "alpha male." I did get a smile out of it and I thought the dialogues in some parts well done.
The choppiness of the story telling is a problem here in getting the full effect of the story and being able to discern the humor. This story needs, some transition and context.
For example: "Wow, this is much nicer than the men's"!
"Cleaner, too".
"Less occupied".
(Hello, it's men's day).
When you're born stupid, it lasts a long time. (Sherlock Holmes' movies helped, by the way).
Every Sunday, I learned deductive, logical thinking.
So, in I go.
In the...stall.
"Well, that's ok. You have a shy bladder".
"Yeah"
"Huh"?
This is written as dialogue, but who is talking to whom? Is the writer addressing the reader? That is not done often in writing fiction.
Is there some thread here that you can use to pull it all together and ground the reader in the scene so there's some idea of what's happening and where we are going.
Finally, I just want to point out:
"See what I mean about supposed alpha males? I probably should have listed education, because they did acknowledge such." So these people are education snobs? Is that right? Yet, they are a little ignorant, is that right? If so, I get it, if not what is the point?
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2022
   |
So, I take the rap of being a female reviewer, and I hope you don't think I am taking a hard line because apparently, if I am reading this right, this is supposed to be a bit of a joke on an "alpha male." I did get a smile out of it and I thought the dialogues in some parts well done.
The choppiness of the story telling is a problem here in getting the full effect of the story and being able to discern the humor. This story needs, some transition and context.
For example: "Wow, this is much nicer than the men's"!
"Cleaner, too".
"Less occupied".
(Hello, it's men's day).
When you're born stupid, it lasts a long time. (Sherlock Holmes' movies helped, by the way).
Every Sunday, I learned deductive, logical thinking.
So, in I go.
In the...stall.
"Well, that's ok. You have a shy bladder".
"Yeah"
"Huh"?
This is written as dialogue, but who is talking to whom? Is the writer addressing the reader? That is not done often in writing fiction.
Is there some thread here that you can use to pull it all together and ground the reader in the scene so there's some idea of what's happening and where we are going.
Finally, I just want to point out:
"See what I mean about supposed alpha males? I probably should have listed education, because they did acknowledge such." So these people are education snobs? Is that right? Yet, they are a little ignorant, is that right? If so, I get it, if not what is the point?
Comment Written 19-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2022
-
Thank you, most of the time I was talking to myself.
Comment from royowen
I've never been a member of any club like this Doug, I'm not much of a golfer, although I was a casual member of a rugby club, and working men's club. But only for the drinking amenities, heh heh, (although I played a lot of competitive sport) this is hilarious, my wife cleans the toilets at church, and I help, so I know what the lady's is like, sad isn't it? Well done, unusual to see you this side, well dine, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2022
|
I've never been a member of any club like this Doug, I'm not much of a golfer, although I was a casual member of a rugby club, and working men's club. But only for the drinking amenities, heh heh, (although I played a lot of competitive sport) this is hilarious, my wife cleans the toilets at church, and I help, so I know what the lady's is like, sad isn't it? Well done, unusual to see you this side, well dine, blessings Roy
Comment Written 18-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2022
-
Ha ha. Thank you so much Roy.
I was kind of surprised that this
story didn't resonate more with
the females. It pokes fun at the
"supposed" alpha males, and describes
what really goes on in a "good ole boys"
country club. The last time I wrote about
such, the girls wanted more, more, more.
So I was a bit disappointed. Oh well.
Doug
-
Sorry Doug, they missed an opportunity didn't they?
Comment from Thomas Blanks
Okay, man, that story is wrong on so many levels. At least you call a spade a spade (playing card lingo) and say it was, "...dumb ass Alpha male behavior at my country club..." You were right, however, when you said it was hilarious. It is funny as hell and would be funnier after a few beers with three other guys. When I was on the ball team in college, we had a list of stories like that, and we would sit around and say, "Remember when so and so did this?" and everyone would laugh. "And then so and so puked in three states in one night!" It is that kind of story. Classic!
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2022
|
Okay, man, that story is wrong on so many levels. At least you call a spade a spade (playing card lingo) and say it was, "...dumb ass Alpha male behavior at my country club..." You were right, however, when you said it was hilarious. It is funny as hell and would be funnier after a few beers with three other guys. When I was on the ball team in college, we had a list of stories like that, and we would sit around and say, "Remember when so and so did this?" and everyone would laugh. "And then so and so puked in three states in one night!" It is that kind of story. Classic!
Comment Written 17-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2022
-
Ha ha. Thank you, sir.
Comment from John Ciarmello
Ha! This is a funny piece. I enjoyed the relatable male personality and egotistical blindness that we alphas all endure on more than just one occasion. Loved this! Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2022
|
Ha! This is a funny piece. I enjoyed the relatable male personality and egotistical blindness that we alphas all endure on more than just one occasion. Loved this! Best, JohnC
Comment Written 17-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2022
-
Thank you so much, John.
I appreciate this.
Doug
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
This was written well, but I believe even the alpha
make would recognize what he had. Then he wouldn't
be broadcasting--it made him look dumb. However,
I'm not lowering the stars because of it. You carried
the theme throughout the post. Jan
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2022
|
This was written well, but I believe even the alpha
make would recognize what he had. Then he wouldn't
be broadcasting--it made him look dumb. However,
I'm not lowering the stars because of it. You carried
the theme throughout the post. Jan
Comment Written 16-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2022
-
Yes, of course it did. That was the point of the humor.
Thank you for reading me tho.
Smile,
Doug
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nice story.
(what a segue way) - the word 'way' is superfluous - segue is pronounced seg-way.
A lot of time (maybe most) stories are better told than written out. Reading it doesn't get the reader the facial expressions, or vocal inflections.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
|
Nice story.
(what a segue way) - the word 'way' is superfluous - segue is pronounced seg-way.
A lot of time (maybe most) stories are better told than written out. Reading it doesn't get the reader the facial expressions, or vocal inflections.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
-
Thank you.
And especially for the
segue-I only had two years of French and got by in France for two weeks. Oh my.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That really was hilarious! I loved your trips to the ladies loos, they are always nicely decorated and posh because ladies don't make a mess! Lol. The 'packs of cards' that really had be choking on my G&T! (it's later here than in America!) This was the funniest piece I've read for a long time. Well done. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
|
That really was hilarious! I loved your trips to the ladies loos, they are always nicely decorated and posh because ladies don't make a mess! Lol. The 'packs of cards' that really had be choking on my G&T! (it's later here than in America!) This was the funniest piece I've read for a long time. Well done. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 16-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
-
Ha ha.
Thank you Sandra.
I absolutely needed a lady to see it was funny. I can?t thank you enough. (I really was that dumb, that I did not realize they weren?t cards.) lol
Oh, I suffered the slings and pains before the ladies, and the alohas. (Alphas) Ha!
The ladies somehow learned of this before I admitted it.
Ooh boy.
-
LOL! That was funny, and I'm sure they thought so, too. xx
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Yes, this story is really funny and being a mother of four boys and having a husband, I completely understand. There are a few issues with your writing of dialogue. Each person speaking gets their own paragraph. The punctuation goes inside the ending quotation marks.
"It's the intent. "You'll have to prove to the readers, (or jurors). You had no intent"! (Why is the quotation mark in front of 'You'll'?)
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
|
Yes, this story is really funny and being a mother of four boys and having a husband, I completely understand. There are a few issues with your writing of dialogue. Each person speaking gets their own paragraph. The punctuation goes inside the ending quotation marks.
"It's the intent. "You'll have to prove to the readers, (or jurors). You had no intent"! (Why is the quotation mark in front of 'You'll'?)
Comment Written 16-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
-
Thank you.
Yes, I know.
I will fix them.
(Perhaps, I don?t always do my own typing)
Lol. But they are my fault, my errors. Thanks again.
-
Dialogue is tricky to write.
-
Yes, I agree.
Especially, internal dialogue
-
That's italized.
Comment from Jesse James Doty
Well, I didn't see the end coming that's for sure. Female pads, you mean for menstruation? I suppose this is funny in a self-deprecating sort of way.
I enjoyed the alpha males' definitions and the foibles at the country club.
I followed along and really I don't know why.
Thanks for putting on a show for the females on the site. You will have to handle their complaints if there are any.
Anyway, have a great week!
Jesse
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
|
Well, I didn't see the end coming that's for sure. Female pads, you mean for menstruation? I suppose this is funny in a self-deprecating sort of way.
I enjoyed the alpha males' definitions and the foibles at the country club.
I followed along and really I don't know why.
Thanks for putting on a show for the females on the site. You will have to handle their complaints if there are any.
Anyway, have a great week!
Jesse
Comment Written 16-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
-
Ha ha.
Thank you.
I did think it would be a show for the females. But, not all agree. Thankfully, more and (hopefully) more good reviews will meander in from the females.
Thanks, Jesse.
Doug
-
We shall see!
Jesse
Comment from karenina
Well! I haven't read this side of you before!
I wasn't sure quite what to make of it--until I settled in and enjoyed the ride...
Men and women see things quite differently!
Your description of Alpha males had me chortling.
(I haven't chortled in years!)
Ah, deck of CARDS...
Now I'm on board!
Good grief! I thought those packages went out with Ozzie and Harriet!
Did you have fun writing this?
That's half the battle!
Karenina
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
|
Well! I haven't read this side of you before!
I wasn't sure quite what to make of it--until I settled in and enjoyed the ride...
Men and women see things quite differently!
Your description of Alpha males had me chortling.
(I haven't chortled in years!)
Ah, deck of CARDS...
Now I'm on board!
Good grief! I thought those packages went out with Ozzie and Harriet!
Did you have fun writing this?
That's half the battle!
Karenina
Comment Written 16-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
-
They prolly did go out with Ozzie and Harriet. However,
U did notice the pre-historic ways of the country club, right? Lol Thank you.
