Heaven Waits
After your soul has learned all it can...7 total reviews
Comment from Eternal Muse
That poem struck a deep cord me. I lost so many loved ones, and hope we'll meet again across the Gate. Yes, we all fear death, but as go through our life's journey, we change our perspective.
Great rhyme, meter, imagery and artistic presentation.
Suggestions for the second stanza (that is the most powerful of all, in its message:)
You have:
All those I've lost but dearly miss,
their voice, their touch, their gentle kiss,
will be at gates that I'll walk through,
that is if God allows me to
You have "that" back to back lines 3 and 4. Suggestions:
All those I've lost but dearly miss,
their voice, their touch, their gentle kiss,
will be at gates I shall walk through,
that is, if God allows me to.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2022
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That poem struck a deep cord me. I lost so many loved ones, and hope we'll meet again across the Gate. Yes, we all fear death, but as go through our life's journey, we change our perspective.
Great rhyme, meter, imagery and artistic presentation.
Suggestions for the second stanza (that is the most powerful of all, in its message:)
You have:
All those I've lost but dearly miss,
their voice, their touch, their gentle kiss,
will be at gates that I'll walk through,
that is if God allows me to
You have "that" back to back lines 3 and 4. Suggestions:
All those I've lost but dearly miss,
their voice, their touch, their gentle kiss,
will be at gates I shall walk through,
that is, if God allows me to.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2022
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Thank you for this exceptional review and your helpful suggestions. I'm going to correct it right away, it's very appreciated. :)
Comment from Write Right Writer
What a comprehensive and wonderfully comforting depiction of heaven; the anticipation of reunited relationships with a promise of love and grace overcoming fear and death. Lovely... Well done.
In terms of analysis, a strong, clear theme, propelled and supported by focused content provides a solid foundation for your work. Your aabb rhyming pattern is consistent and, with one minor exception, the steady and unbroken rhythm of your iambic tetrameter is flawless.
More specifically, the minor exception to which I refer is a single break in the flow of your flawless iambic tetrameter found in the last line of Stanza 5; "when God's face to you does appear." I believe this tiny break in your otherwise perfect metric flow (23 of 24 lines) can be addressed.
I do understand that the meter can be made to work (forced) but to preserve the iambic flow (emphasis on the second syllable), the less important words, "to" and "does" must be emphasized and the words of greater importance, "face" and "you" must be de-emphasized. This happens because the words, "When God's face" and "does appear" are best read (IMHO) as anapests (a 3-syllable foot with emphasis on the third syllable) separated by an iamb (2-syllable foot with emphasis on the second syllable), "to you" in the middle. This is an aberration from the rest of your poem--23 lines with four iambs per line (i.e. iambic tetrameter).
That being said, "when God's face to you does appear" is a beautiful line and the unexpected, "anapest, iamb, anapest" and the end of the stanza may be the way to go (it would be great if it were the final stanza). A decision to to sacrifice perfect meter on the altar of powerful content may be the way you want to go. I just wanted to bring it to your attention to help insure your choice is intentional and not accidental.
I trust these comments are helpful and I tend to only engage this deeply in analysis on work that is nearly perfect like yours. Outstanding work, my friend. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Blessings...
Curt
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2022
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What a comprehensive and wonderfully comforting depiction of heaven; the anticipation of reunited relationships with a promise of love and grace overcoming fear and death. Lovely... Well done.
In terms of analysis, a strong, clear theme, propelled and supported by focused content provides a solid foundation for your work. Your aabb rhyming pattern is consistent and, with one minor exception, the steady and unbroken rhythm of your iambic tetrameter is flawless.
More specifically, the minor exception to which I refer is a single break in the flow of your flawless iambic tetrameter found in the last line of Stanza 5; "when God's face to you does appear." I believe this tiny break in your otherwise perfect metric flow (23 of 24 lines) can be addressed.
I do understand that the meter can be made to work (forced) but to preserve the iambic flow (emphasis on the second syllable), the less important words, "to" and "does" must be emphasized and the words of greater importance, "face" and "you" must be de-emphasized. This happens because the words, "When God's face" and "does appear" are best read (IMHO) as anapests (a 3-syllable foot with emphasis on the third syllable) separated by an iamb (2-syllable foot with emphasis on the second syllable), "to you" in the middle. This is an aberration from the rest of your poem--23 lines with four iambs per line (i.e. iambic tetrameter).
That being said, "when God's face to you does appear" is a beautiful line and the unexpected, "anapest, iamb, anapest" and the end of the stanza may be the way to go (it would be great if it were the final stanza). A decision to to sacrifice perfect meter on the altar of powerful content may be the way you want to go. I just wanted to bring it to your attention to help insure your choice is intentional and not accidental.
I trust these comments are helpful and I tend to only engage this deeply in analysis on work that is nearly perfect like yours. Outstanding work, my friend. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Blessings...
Curt
Comment Written 18-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2022
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Thank you for this terrific review and for your kind words. I very much appreciate your suggestions, I can use any help I can get 🙂 it means a lot to me that you took time to help me...have a wonderful day. :)
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You are welcome. It was my pleasure.
Comment from Annmuma
This poem is beautiful and a perfect contest entry. I love the flow, the rhythm, the hope, the belief that shines through and the picture sets the scent before even reading word one. Good luck. ann
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2022
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This poem is beautiful and a perfect contest entry. I love the flow, the rhythm, the hope, the belief that shines through and the picture sets the scent before even reading word one. Good luck. ann
Comment Written 17-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2022
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Thank you for reading my poem. I notice you gave me a good on it..It would help me out if you could tell me how you feel I could approve it. It's how I learn. :)
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Let me look at this again. If I gave you a 'good' it was an error on my part!!!! Indeed I voted for your post in the contest. ann
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Thanks so much. :)
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Very nice. This line...if God allows me to is true but it's up to you/us. I have been taught an acronym CTR, meaning choose the right, yet later as a Sunday school teacher added its opposite RTC, teaching or... Reap the Consequences.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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Very nice. This line...if God allows me to is true but it's up to you/us. I have been taught an acronym CTR, meaning choose the right, yet later as a Sunday school teacher added its opposite RTC, teaching or... Reap the Consequences.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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Thanks for this great review and for your insightful comments. Teaching Sunday school is a wonderful thing to do. I appreciate you reading my poem. :)
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Your belief is helping you combat your fear here and we non of us know for sure what happens after death as it is so final, your rhymes and meter are soothing, a poignant write for the contest, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2022
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Your belief is helping you combat your fear here and we non of us know for sure what happens after death as it is so final, your rhymes and meter are soothing, a poignant write for the contest, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 15-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2022
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Thank you for this great review. :)
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Your belief is helping you combat your fear here and we non of us know for sure what happens after death as it is so final, your rhymes and meter are soothing, a poignant write for the contest, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2022
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Your belief is helping you combat your fear here and we non of us know for sure what happens after death as it is so final, your rhymes and meter are soothing, a poignant write for the contest, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 15-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2022
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Thanks for this nice review, it's very appreciated. :)
Comment from Rhodesia
Classic poetry with rhyme and rhthym rings really well. The hope of an afterlife, being with our loved ones after we die is invigorating; afterall, we live in an often frustrating world.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2022
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Classic poetry with rhyme and rhthym rings really well. The hope of an afterlife, being with our loved ones after we die is invigorating; afterall, we live in an often frustrating world.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2022
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Thank you for this great review, I really appreciate it. :)
