Bury My Heart in Colorado
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "SEE and Saw"Paul seeks truth over death of soulmate.
10 total reviews
Comment from Alaskastory
"SEE and Saw" has well described anguish and strong pain felt by Paul as he tries to visualize the car crash and his girlfriend's fate. It is a good beginning.
Minor adjustments:
(")I have good news. There...
She had hair brown (hair) in a bun...
through the door. (")That nurse is hellfire.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2022
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"SEE and Saw" has well described anguish and strong pain felt by Paul as he tries to visualize the car crash and his girlfriend's fate. It is a good beginning.
Minor adjustments:
(")I have good news. There...
She had hair brown (hair) in a bun...
through the door. (")That nurse is hellfire.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2022
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Thanks Marie!
Comment from Thomas Blanks
The plot is sucking me in, so it's well written... Looks like the girlfriend might not have died, and Dixon's mom is up to something. I would want to read more.
I had questions about a few minor things...
"Do you know about my fianc�?�©?" Not sure what happened there.
"Say, you don't. I mean, in your condition, you maybe should read about your girlfriend's death?" I think this is supposed to read SHOULDN'T?
...Lately they think it's whiffled ball. There is no closed quote after the word "ball," and there is a "d" on the word "whiffle."
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The plot is sucking me in, so it's well written... Looks like the girlfriend might not have died, and Dixon's mom is up to something. I would want to read more.
I had questions about a few minor things...
"Do you know about my fianc�?�©?" Not sure what happened there.
"Say, you don't. I mean, in your condition, you maybe should read about your girlfriend's death?" I think this is supposed to read SHOULDN'T?
...Lately they think it's whiffled ball. There is no closed quote after the word "ball," and there is a "d" on the word "whiffle."
Comment Written 17-Aug-2022
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Well written.
"Do you know about my fianc�?�©?" - These can be fixed in edit mode.
That nurse is hellfire. - needs opening quotes.
Why doesn't he ask his mother?
Best wishes.
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Well written.
"Do you know about my fianc�?�©?" - These can be fixed in edit mode.
That nurse is hellfire. - needs opening quotes.
Why doesn't he ask his mother?
Best wishes.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2022
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I liked reading this chapter. I see it is not a western this time around you are working on. The premise reminds me just slightly of the 1979 movie "The Promise" with Kathleen Quinlan in it, only with a different slant. I want to point out that this could merit six stars, except it is missing several quotation marks around quotes. For example:
"Wait! I said. I was hoping to find more..."
I think you either need to put quotation marks before I was hoping --or else you can leave it without the quotation marks and just say:
I was hoping to find out more.
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I liked reading this chapter. I see it is not a western this time around you are working on. The premise reminds me just slightly of the 1979 movie "The Promise" with Kathleen Quinlan in it, only with a different slant. I want to point out that this could merit six stars, except it is missing several quotation marks around quotes. For example:
"Wait! I said. I was hoping to find more..."
I think you either need to put quotation marks before I was hoping --or else you can leave it without the quotation marks and just say:
I was hoping to find out more.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2022
Comment from amahra
I'm glad he didn't lose his leg. I like the chapter ending with not knowing who to believe about the state of his girlfriend. Good cliffhanger.
She had [hair] brown hair in a bun with those blue smocks. "You okay Mr. Dixon?" [Delete second word, 'hair']
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I'm glad he didn't lose his leg. I like the chapter ending with not knowing who to believe about the state of his girlfriend. Good cliffhanger.
She had [hair] brown hair in a bun with those blue smocks. "You okay Mr. Dixon?" [Delete second word, 'hair']
Comment Written 14-Aug-2022
Comment from lyenochka
Poor Dixon. And the janitor seems a little mysterious that he did less cleaning and more talking. Did he want to give more information? But it was a good way to bring up more questions. Perhaps that rich man who sent him to the hospital was the other driver...?
"Do you know about my fianc�?�©?" (if you want to write accented characters, you'd do best to use the Advanced Editor and add the special character)
I fill in on the weekends, esp. Sundays." (especially) You don't want to use abbreviations, in general.
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Poor Dixon. And the janitor seems a little mysterious that he did less cleaning and more talking. Did he want to give more information? But it was a good way to bring up more questions. Perhaps that rich man who sent him to the hospital was the other driver...?
"Do you know about my fianc�?�©?" (if you want to write accented characters, you'd do best to use the Advanced Editor and add the special character)
I fill in on the weekends, esp. Sundays." (especially) You don't want to use abbreviations, in general.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2022
Comment from lancellot
Very interesting. It does seem like the truth or the full story is being withheld from him. There is a mystery here.
notes:
Old pictures from school days in my head flipped through my mind of the notorious sawing of limbs on the civil war battlefield.
= Old pictures from school days flipped through my mind of notorious sawing off limbs on the civil war battlefield.
"Soon," said Patel. ["]Very soon we will give a chance to use a computer.
-add
"Yes. If you need to come in and clean, by all means.["]
-add
"Do you know about my {fianc�?�©?"}
-edit
"Say, you don't. I mean, in your condition, you maybe {should} read about your girlfriend's death?"
- shouldn't
He smiled. "Okay, okay, I get it. But you might need to give up on the Yankees, they are in third place. Lately they think it's whiffled ball.["]
-add
"Wait! I said. I was hoping to find more..."
- edit
["]That nurse is hellfire. I could get into trouble, and the VA pays me good when I fill in on the weekends, esp. Sundays."
-add
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Very interesting. It does seem like the truth or the full story is being withheld from him. There is a mystery here.
notes:
Old pictures from school days in my head flipped through my mind of the notorious sawing of limbs on the civil war battlefield.
= Old pictures from school days flipped through my mind of notorious sawing off limbs on the civil war battlefield.
"Soon," said Patel. ["]Very soon we will give a chance to use a computer.
-add
"Yes. If you need to come in and clean, by all means.["]
-add
"Do you know about my {fianc�?�©?"}
-edit
"Say, you don't. I mean, in your condition, you maybe {should} read about your girlfriend's death?"
- shouldn't
He smiled. "Okay, okay, I get it. But you might need to give up on the Yankees, they are in third place. Lately they think it's whiffled ball.["]
-add
"Wait! I said. I was hoping to find more..."
- edit
["]That nurse is hellfire. I could get into trouble, and the VA pays me good when I fill in on the weekends, esp. Sundays."
-add
Comment Written 14-Aug-2022
Comment from royowen
Although in a critical condition in the hospital, and at least, he hasn't lost his leg at this stage, but he hears what might be good news regarding his injured girlfriend but why are they in seperate places? It seems odd, this is beautifully written my friend, well done, blessings Roy
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Although in a critical condition in the hospital, and at least, he hasn't lost his leg at this stage, but he hears what might be good news regarding his injured girlfriend but why are they in seperate places? It seems odd, this is beautifully written my friend, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 14-Aug-2022
Comment from BethShelby
I'm wondering if it is for sure the girl died in the accident. If he was told she died at the crash site and that isn't true, maybe she is still alive. I have no idea where you are taking this story but I hope to find out. It is interesting.
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I'm wondering if it is for sure the girl died in the accident. If he was told she died at the crash site and that isn't true, maybe she is still alive. I have no idea where you are taking this story but I hope to find out. It is interesting.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2022
Comment from Shirley McLain
I liked the chapter. It held my attention. I did find a couple of small things. Program induced spag and I think you need to add the word me after told. Good job. Enjoy your evening. Shirley
"Do you know about my fianc�?�©?"
My Mom told.
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I liked the chapter. It held my attention. I did find a couple of small things. Program induced spag and I think you need to add the word me after told. Good job. Enjoy your evening. Shirley
"Do you know about my fianc�?�©?"
My Mom told.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2022
