The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Between Things"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
4 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
I love the scene between Ilati and Roshanak. It's such a tender moment.
Love how Ilati is coming into her own by bargaining with Eigou for the story of her grandfather.
Suggestions to consider:
'Even as an outsider, Ilati had learned (that) the Sut Resi's tattoos had great significance almost immediately.' Delete 'that'.
'Not having them was perhaps the greatest marker (that) she was not Sutta, not one of the People.' Delete 'that'.
'The priestess furrowed her brow (at that)... ' Delete 'at that'.
"To the south, there is a giant olive tree, taller than all others of its kind (that) I have ever seen, that endured the strike of a thunderbolt. A great black scar (that) splits it in two, yet it grows.' Delete 'that'.
'The priestess had a feeling (that) she was about to be involved in this vision.' Delete 'that'.
The sentinels (that watched) over the camp were more concerned with people coming in than leaving, but one stopped Ilati on her way... Switch to 'watching'.
I wish I had a six to give you for all of the chapters. They are so good.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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I love the scene between Ilati and Roshanak. It's such a tender moment.
Love how Ilati is coming into her own by bargaining with Eigou for the story of her grandfather.
Suggestions to consider:
'Even as an outsider, Ilati had learned (that) the Sut Resi's tattoos had great significance almost immediately.' Delete 'that'.
'Not having them was perhaps the greatest marker (that) she was not Sutta, not one of the People.' Delete 'that'.
'The priestess furrowed her brow (at that)... ' Delete 'at that'.
"To the south, there is a giant olive tree, taller than all others of its kind (that) I have ever seen, that endured the strike of a thunderbolt. A great black scar (that) splits it in two, yet it grows.' Delete 'that'.
'The priestess had a feeling (that) she was about to be involved in this vision.' Delete 'that'.
The sentinels (that watched) over the camp were more concerned with people coming in than leaving, but one stopped Ilati on her way... Switch to 'watching'.
I wish I had a six to give you for all of the chapters. They are so good.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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Thank you for all of your time. I know it?s so much to comb over, but it?s so helpful. I?m glad it?s mostly coming across well. Thank you for reading. It?s been so encouraging.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This chapter took my breath away. It was so carefully crafted to point out the differences between Ilati and the other people she came across, and to move the plot on by indicating the route she must take now. I particularly liked the words:
They say drinking the water grants flashes of insight.
We all need insight to progress in life, and the afterlife. I am only sorry I have no sixes ... Please don't stop. Kate xx
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2022
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This chapter took my breath away. It was so carefully crafted to point out the differences between Ilati and the other people she came across, and to move the plot on by indicating the route she must take now. I particularly liked the words:
They say drinking the water grants flashes of insight.
We all need insight to progress in life, and the afterlife. I am only sorry I have no sixes ... Please don't stop. Kate xx
Comment Written 13-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. It took me forever to get through this chapter with the depression, so I am glad it hit as well as it did. I really appreciate your time and feedback. I hope you have a wonderful day.
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I am sorry you are suffering. I am too but I take things a minute at a time. I advise a crisp walk, or cleaning the loo.
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I've been trying to write through it. That seems to be helping. Thank you for the advice, I always appreciate it. I'm sorry that you're struggling as well. I hope things get better and you find a way through. One minute at a time, one second, whatever it needs to be.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Another excellent chapter to read, and I enjoyed it. It was active and interesting to the last word. Now I'm wondering what finding the well will bring. You did a great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2022
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Another excellent chapter to read, and I enjoyed it. It was active and interesting to the last word. Now I'm wondering what finding the well will bring. You did a great job. Shirley
Comment Written 13-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I'm glad it was so engaging. It took forever to get through with life being what it was. I really appreciate your time and feedback, and I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from lancellot
Very good. I would say this is the best chapter or story writing I have seen all week. It was a pleasure to read and not think about editing or wondering why things are. I have no suggestions at all.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2022
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Very good. I would say this is the best chapter or story writing I have seen all week. It was a pleasure to read and not think about editing or wondering why things are. I have no suggestions at all.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I'm glad it was an enjoyable experience, given how long I was agonizing over it. I really appreciate your time and feedback, and I hope you have a wonderful day.
