A Child No More
A killer is born4 total reviews
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Good thriller.
Pulling back her hand, she winched in pain - (winced)
where they had been takenâ?"each - You can fix these in edit mode.
Best wishes...
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2022
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Good thriller.
Pulling back her hand, she winched in pain - (winced)
where they had been takenâ?"each - You can fix these in edit mode.
Best wishes...
Comment Written 09-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2022
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Thanks for taking the time to review and pointing out the problems. I am so glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Interesting title. Some things noted:
-For same tense sake would make "tip-toeing" tiptoed.
-First sentence makes one wonder what no good the child is up to by sneaking past her parents' bedroom door silently so she would not be heard. Strong hook.
-If the light is soft, how can it also be bright. Are those not opposites of one another?
-End of paragraph one depicts Lisa's young curiosity. A good character description.
-The Lisa being taken by the aliens scene is full of action.
-Shouldn't "trained out her" be drained out of her?
-takena? is an easy to correct htlm error.
-Lisa's return after being gone all those years would be quite a shock to her unsuspecting parents.
-Would probably eliminate "sentiment," a redundancy of "emotions".
-Ending leaves the question open as to what Lisa's mission is. Not really touched on in the story.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2022
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Interesting title. Some things noted:
-For same tense sake would make "tip-toeing" tiptoed.
-First sentence makes one wonder what no good the child is up to by sneaking past her parents' bedroom door silently so she would not be heard. Strong hook.
-If the light is soft, how can it also be bright. Are those not opposites of one another?
-End of paragraph one depicts Lisa's young curiosity. A good character description.
-The Lisa being taken by the aliens scene is full of action.
-Shouldn't "trained out her" be drained out of her?
-takena? is an easy to correct htlm error.
-Lisa's return after being gone all those years would be quite a shock to her unsuspecting parents.
-Would probably eliminate "sentiment," a redundancy of "emotions".
-Ending leaves the question open as to what Lisa's mission is. Not really touched on in the story.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2022
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I am glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for pointing out the errors that you found.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, I see the idea here but this needs work. It tells us a frame of a story, but doesn't show or involve us.
Woken from her bed by an eerie sound, Lisa tip-toeing past her parents' room and crept downstairs.
- I would recheck your tense here.
One by one, the lost and stolen children walked through, arriving at the very spot where they had been {takenâ?"each a} mission with targets they must eliminate.
- edit
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2022
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Hmm, I see the idea here but this needs work. It tells us a frame of a story, but doesn't show or involve us.
Woken from her bed by an eerie sound, Lisa tip-toeing past her parents' room and crept downstairs.
- I would recheck your tense here.
One by one, the lost and stolen children walked through, arriving at the very spot where they had been {takenâ?"each a} mission with targets they must eliminate.
- edit
Comment Written 05-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2022
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Thank you for pointing out the errors you found. It is only a beginning.
Comment from RodG
You do a great job of creating YOUR WORLD in this story--first the small one of the basement where Lisa is captured (and later returns) and then the Oonags' world where she's trained to be a killer. I wish you had far more than 500 words to work with as I am intrigued by who these aliens are and if somehow she will escape their clutches. Rod
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2022
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You do a great job of creating YOUR WORLD in this story--first the small one of the basement where Lisa is captured (and later returns) and then the Oonags' world where she's trained to be a killer. I wish you had far more than 500 words to work with as I am intrigued by who these aliens are and if somehow she will escape their clutches. Rod
Comment Written 05-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2022
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I have done my job then. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review.
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My pleasure.
