The sperm donor, Leslie's story
Part II of IV26 total reviews
Comment from Sarah Robin
This is an interesting turn of events! I can see both sides of the story, Should the money be divided equally among all of the children or just the one who has the matching DNA. I applaud the author and can't wait to see the answers. Sarah
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2022
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This is an interesting turn of events! I can see both sides of the story, Should the money be divided equally among all of the children or just the one who has the matching DNA. I applaud the author and can't wait to see the answers. Sarah
Comment Written 05-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2022
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Sarah, thank you for the wonderful review! Terry
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Thank you, Sarah, for the review and kind words. Terry
Comment from evilynne
that's a great continuation of the first part of the story. It has just the right amount of suspense to it. I am looking forward to the next installment. Evi
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2022
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that's a great continuation of the first part of the story. It has just the right amount of suspense to it. I am looking forward to the next installment. Evi
Comment Written 05-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2022
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Evi, thank you, the final part will be posted in a few hours. Terry.
Comment from Sandra Nelms-Ludwig
I am happy to see you continued the story. I read part 1 and liked it. Please send me a message when part III is done. I want to see how it all works out. I know this is a common saying or cliche, ("I think you are looking a gift horse in the mouth." but I would love to have seen an original old family saying used. THIS is sooooooo Good!!
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2022
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I am happy to see you continued the story. I read part 1 and liked it. Please send me a message when part III is done. I want to see how it all works out. I know this is a common saying or cliche, ("I think you are looking a gift horse in the mouth." but I would love to have seen an original old family saying used. THIS is sooooooo Good!!
Comment Written 04-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2022
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Sandra, thank you so much for the six stars!! I wish I had enough talent to write a new cliche. If you come up with one, please let me know. I would like to steal it! Thanks, Terry.
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You are most welcome. It was deserved. I would have it being a family trait that they love butchering any cliche. This adds another layering
of family character traits. You have already shown they are close-knit and look out for each other. I would twist all cliches just a bit and have that character to laugh and the receiving character to react a certain way. This makes your characters rounder.
"I think you are looking a gift horse in the mouth." I would change to "Close the gift horse mouth". Something quirky like that. Or just leave it be because it's great writing.
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Sandra, that is very creative! I will try that in the future, Thank you, Terry
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I gave my kids when I taught extra credit for inventive language.
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Sandra, when you read the conclusion, you see where you had some impact. I just added something about a cliche. Terry.
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Terry, I am touched. Is it finished?
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yep, finished for a week except for what I added this morning about the cliche.
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I will go and find it.
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just about to post it.
Comment from WLHall
For sure getting more interesting! I enjoyed the dialogue. Sam has to be very careful he doesn't do anything to indicate he's the sperm donor. Read well, didn't see any spags. I admit it's getting better. Somehow I get the feeling James or one of the other husbands will find out something that will get one of them suspecting the truth.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2022
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For sure getting more interesting! I enjoyed the dialogue. Sam has to be very careful he doesn't do anything to indicate he's the sperm donor. Read well, didn't see any spags. I admit it's getting better. Somehow I get the feeling James or one of the other husbands will find out something that will get one of them suspecting the truth.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2022
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Thank you for the review. I hope you enjoy the final installment that will post on Friday. Terry.
Comment from Jay Squires
Hey, haha, well! Melikee! Once I got past the beginning with so many names being tossed about and the apparent change of viewpoint character. See below:
How will I tell James that my old boyfriend, lawyer Sam Kenyon, has a client who was the sperm donor? [If this is Leslie's thinking, you probably ought to italicize it. This is because you go from the objective narrator describing Leslie's dilemma ... and then you jump into the first person "How will I tell James ... etc.]
Please don't take this as a criticism, but I must ask you what your rationale was for not using any dialogue tags and no description of setting, however minimal, as a focal point for the reader's interest. It is very much like a dialogue only challenge. Was it an experiment? Again, no criticism. In one way (if it were an experiment) you succeeded. The chapter has a beginning middle and end and the storyline was believable. The dialogue HAD TO BE GOOD because there was nothing else.
I just have to wonder, though, if just a few well-placed dialogue tags, to avoid the unnecessary mentioning of names ... and perhaps a coffee cup that gets lifted, or a shadow that falls across the table wouldn't hurt, as well. But that's just what I would do.
You have a very engaging presence here on FanStory, and I know this will be read by tons of people, so I was hesitant to even bring up the points, above. But it's just something to look at.
Jay
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2022
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Hey, haha, well! Melikee! Once I got past the beginning with so many names being tossed about and the apparent change of viewpoint character. See below:
How will I tell James that my old boyfriend, lawyer Sam Kenyon, has a client who was the sperm donor? [If this is Leslie's thinking, you probably ought to italicize it. This is because you go from the objective narrator describing Leslie's dilemma ... and then you jump into the first person "How will I tell James ... etc.]
Please don't take this as a criticism, but I must ask you what your rationale was for not using any dialogue tags and no description of setting, however minimal, as a focal point for the reader's interest. It is very much like a dialogue only challenge. Was it an experiment? Again, no criticism. In one way (if it were an experiment) you succeeded. The chapter has a beginning middle and end and the storyline was believable. The dialogue HAD TO BE GOOD because there was nothing else.
I just have to wonder, though, if just a few well-placed dialogue tags, to avoid the unnecessary mentioning of names ... and perhaps a coffee cup that gets lifted, or a shadow that falls across the table wouldn't hurt, as well. But that's just what I would do.
You have a very engaging presence here on FanStory, and I know this will be read by tons of people, so I was hesitant to even bring up the points, above. But it's just something to look at.
Jay
Comment Written 04-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2022
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Jay, thank you for the observations. I admit this is my first attempt at any longer fiction and I am just feeling my way along. I have learned those "techniques" that you and other good writers know.
I hope to get better and thank you for the input, I will take a look when I do the rewrite for the whole thing. Terry.
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Terry, I know I took a risk when I wrote that. There isn't time to develop one's thoughts fully while writing these reviews. (Good reviews should be edited, too.) I honestly felt you were trying an experiment in dialogue. I know that Lee completed an entire piece without description or character name tags. I didn't even realize what he'd done, until he pointed it out in the author notes. It was that seamless. But that's Lee. I've given up even trying to compete with his brilliance. I study him. Oh, yes! But I can only write for myself and hope the audience sees a little something that I intended. It was with that intentionality that I reviewed your piece -- in the spirit of the brotherhood of writers -- and I hope you saw my intention.
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Jay, I have marveled as I read your work about the small things you do in the story that make it real.
I was thinking to myself, how does he do that?
In this case, I was applying something Lee said in his interview about getting a germ of an idea and letting the character tell the story. This is my attempt at that.
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Ohhhhh, that helps. It really helps. Keep going in that vein. You won't go wrong (though you'll reach stumbling blocks -- we have to).
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Jay, I will post the last installment on Friday. In my notes, I try to explain some of what you ask about. There is even a "shout to you." Terry.
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Well, the last part's not necessary, but I would like to read your post. You say Friday. I don't suppose you could PM me just before you post it so I can be ready. It's not essential, though. I'll find it, and you always make it worthwhile promotion-wise.
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I can do that, and it will be posted with all the whistles and bells. Terry.
Comment from LJbutterfly
I'm glad you decided to continue the story. It's interesting what was going on in Leslie's family, and how money to one child and grandchild would cause problems. May James, never, ever in life, find out who the donor was. If he did, what would he do. Give the millions back?
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2022
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I'm glad you decided to continue the story. It's interesting what was going on in Leslie's family, and how money to one child and grandchild would cause problems. May James, never, ever in life, find out who the donor was. If he did, what would he do. Give the millions back?
Comment Written 03-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2022
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Thank you for the review! I do wonder how fast James is going to send it. LOL, Thanks, Terry.
Comment from John Ciarmello
Hi, Terry. I read these out of sequence and had to readjust, lol. You have quite a story going, and I'm excited to follow this STICKY saga! LOL.
I know that wasn't needed, but I couldn't resist! Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2022
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Hi, Terry. I read these out of sequence and had to readjust, lol. You have quite a story going, and I'm excited to follow this STICKY saga! LOL.
I know that wasn't needed, but I couldn't resist! Best, JohnC
Comment Written 03-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2022
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John, LOL, thank you very much! Terry.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Terry,
this is a nice continuation of the piece.
Personally, I rework the opening paragraph. It's very telling and quite passive. If you found a way of restructuring without using was and had, that would make a more dynamic impact.
Going forward, keep an eye on your perspective in each piece. So far we've had from Sam and from Leslie. As it goes forward it may be from other characters, too. You may need to work hard to keep it straight, especially if they meet so always be sure from whose perspective each segment is focused on.
" I don't think there is a catch. - Delete the space after the opening speech marks.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2022
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Hi Terry,
this is a nice continuation of the piece.
Personally, I rework the opening paragraph. It's very telling and quite passive. If you found a way of restructuring without using was and had, that would make a more dynamic impact.
Going forward, keep an eye on your perspective in each piece. So far we've had from Sam and from Leslie. As it goes forward it may be from other characters, too. You may need to work hard to keep it straight, especially if they meet so always be sure from whose perspective each segment is focused on.
" I don't think there is a catch. - Delete the space after the opening speech marks.
All the best
G
Comment Written 03-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2022
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Gareth, I see your point about the opening. Thank you for the review. I have had fun using the techniques you and Lee discussed in your interviews. It is a brand new thing for me. We will see where it goes. Thanks, Terry.
Comment from Annmuma
This section add so much to the first post!! I now know both of my characters much better than I did below and I like both of them better than I did before! Absolutely a six in content and in presentation. And, although I have had a glimpse the next epistle, I'm eager to see it. Just excellent writing, Terry!! ann
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
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This section add so much to the first post!! I now know both of my characters much better than I did below and I like both of them better than I did before! Absolutely a six in content and in presentation. And, although I have had a glimpse the next epistle, I'm eager to see it. Just excellent writing, Terry!! ann
Comment Written 02-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
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Ann, thank you for the six star!!! I am delighted you are enjoying it. Terry
Comment from Wendy G
An interesting predicament for him - and on a lesser scale, in terms of distribution of wealth, for real-life sperm donors. Many questions arise which are not foreseen initially. Best wishes for your entry in the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
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An interesting predicament for him - and on a lesser scale, in terms of distribution of wealth, for real-life sperm donors. Many questions arise which are not foreseen initially. Best wishes for your entry in the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 02-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
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Wendy, thank you for reading, Terry.