Conspicuous choir
Take note of the change3 total reviews
Comment from leather
Congratulations on your Milestone Post--that's quite an accomplishment.
Here is a gem of a story that needs some polishing work to make it move up into the five-star category. The clarity is weak because of a lack of paragraphs and the use of mixed tenses. Still, this is a terrific little story.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
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Congratulations on your Milestone Post--that's quite an accomplishment.
Here is a gem of a story that needs some polishing work to make it move up into the five-star category. The clarity is weak because of a lack of paragraphs and the use of mixed tenses. Still, this is a terrific little story.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
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Thanks! It sounds silly, but it made me smile because I absolutely struggle with tenses. Looking back, I changed tenses several times. I appreciate you taking the time to read and give me feedback.
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Jennifer, you may want to go to U Tube for free instruction on various writing-related matters. Also, Grammarly is an excellent writing assistant that comes in two levels--free and subscription. I suggest starting with the free version if you are interested in it.
Best wishes--write on!
Comment from Jay Squires
First of all, Jennifer, may I be among the first to welcome you to FanStory. I think you'll find your experience here unique, especially if you've ever been part of a writer's group. You will learn to choose to listen to those reviewers who are legitimately trying to help you grow in your craft. There are many who will do just that. There are others who will be skimming over just enough of your stories to squeeze out two and a half lines of commentary and thereby qualify to skulk away with the money or the hoped-for member-cent pump -- or other such reward. Embrace the words of the former and accept that there will be more of the latter.
75-word stories are terribly difficult to write. Yours pivoted on the "bon mot" of the new choir director. It's clever, and that may be enough to get the attention of the judges. His clever words may have broken the ice for the new students, but from the standpoint of reader "payoff" I was left kind of wanting more. It doesn't address the narrator's question: "Will we make this year's challenge?" That said ... as your first post for FanStory, and the fact that you accepted one of the most arduous tasks, writing a 75-word flash fiction, I think you should be very proud of yourself.
I'll be looking for your name again, Jennifer, for something longer. I've a hunch you'll handle that form very well, indeed. Thank you for sharing, and good luck to you in the contest ... as well as a long career here on one of the best writer sites on the internet!
Jay Squires
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
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First of all, Jennifer, may I be among the first to welcome you to FanStory. I think you'll find your experience here unique, especially if you've ever been part of a writer's group. You will learn to choose to listen to those reviewers who are legitimately trying to help you grow in your craft. There are many who will do just that. There are others who will be skimming over just enough of your stories to squeeze out two and a half lines of commentary and thereby qualify to skulk away with the money or the hoped-for member-cent pump -- or other such reward. Embrace the words of the former and accept that there will be more of the latter.
75-word stories are terribly difficult to write. Yours pivoted on the "bon mot" of the new choir director. It's clever, and that may be enough to get the attention of the judges. His clever words may have broken the ice for the new students, but from the standpoint of reader "payoff" I was left kind of wanting more. It doesn't address the narrator's question: "Will we make this year's challenge?" That said ... as your first post for FanStory, and the fact that you accepted one of the most arduous tasks, writing a 75-word flash fiction, I think you should be very proud of yourself.
I'll be looking for your name again, Jennifer, for something longer. I've a hunch you'll handle that form very well, indeed. Thank you for sharing, and good luck to you in the contest ... as well as a long career here on one of the best writer sites on the internet!
Jay Squires
Comment Written 26-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
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Thanks for such a detailed review. I understand with the way you worded it. Yes, it was a 75-word story but it really didn't have an ending. I think it was a preview in progress! Haha. You gave me excellent advice. To be honest, I found this writing website by accident and decided to give it a chance. I'm glad I did.
Comment from lyenochka
I guess the new choir director has a sense of humor? Either that, or he didn't engender any confidence in Kelly or her fellow choir members. Best wishes in the contest and congrats on your 50th post!
By the way, it would be better if " A man walked in. "Good morning everyone, it is a privilege to be your new director. Do you know how to make the band stand? You take away the chairs!" was moved to a new paragraph as well as the last sentence.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
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I guess the new choir director has a sense of humor? Either that, or he didn't engender any confidence in Kelly or her fellow choir members. Best wishes in the contest and congrats on your 50th post!
By the way, it would be better if " A man walked in. "Good morning everyone, it is a privilege to be your new director. Do you know how to make the band stand? You take away the chairs!" was moved to a new paragraph as well as the last sentence.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
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Thank you. Your idea makes sense. I was hesitant about when to start or end a paragraph. This was very helpful!
