Bury My Heart in Colorado
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Mother Lode"Paul seeks truth over death of soulmate.
9 total reviews
Comment from Alaskastory
"Mother Lode" is in words that opens us to pure misery and questions what really happened. Giving details of his relationship with his mother offers a little comfort before he falls off in pain. Well done.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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"Mother Lode" is in words that opens us to pure misery and questions what really happened. Giving details of his relationship with his mother offers a little comfort before he falls off in pain. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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Thanks so much, Marie.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Other than being blind or dying with cancer, it's hard for me to imagine waking up from a coma and not knowing what's going on. I know it's each to his/her own, but I'm speaking for myself. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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Other than being blind or dying with cancer, it's hard for me to imagine waking up from a coma and not knowing what's going on. I know it's each to his/her own, but I'm speaking for myself. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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Thanks for the insight. Blessings ahead.
Comment from royowen
So, we don't know if Paul killed his fiancé or not, but it seems she's dead, but he survived, surely it's an accident, there's no doubt he's in hospital, and after saying he needs a painkiller, his nurse comes to apply, it, beautifully written, my friend,, blessings Roy
Typo : The (cavalry) charged in...cavalry?
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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So, we don't know if Paul killed his fiancé or not, but it seems she's dead, but he survived, surely it's an accident, there's no doubt he's in hospital, and after saying he needs a painkiller, his nurse comes to apply, it, beautifully written, my friend,, blessings Roy
Typo : The (cavalry) charged in...cavalry?
Comment Written 24-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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Thanks for the insight and edit. Blessings ahead.
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Most welcome
Comment from amahra
I really like your story and am invested in this amnesia character. However, it would be best if you kept your tense consistent. Example below:
From a thick leather chair in the corner, a shadowy person moves toward me. Is it Kat, or is it a ghost? I squirm[ed], as she came[comes] into focus. Yellow lights from the hall gave [gives] her life, illumin[ed] her shoulder length [shoulder-length] raven hair. Her red-stained eyes come into focus. "Mom?"
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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I really like your story and am invested in this amnesia character. However, it would be best if you kept your tense consistent. Example below:
From a thick leather chair in the corner, a shadowy person moves toward me. Is it Kat, or is it a ghost? I squirm[ed], as she came[comes] into focus. Yellow lights from the hall gave [gives] her life, illumin[ed] her shoulder length [shoulder-length] raven hair. Her red-stained eyes come into focus. "Mom?"
Comment Written 24-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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Thanks. My bad. I know I didn't edit this like I should have. Blessings.
Comment from Shirley McLain
What a sad, but excellent chapter to read. His sadness draws you into the story. You did a great job as always. I can't wait to read the next installment. Have a wonderful Sunday afternoon. Shirley
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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What a sad, but excellent chapter to read. His sadness draws you into the story. You did a great job as always. I can't wait to read the next installment. Have a wonderful Sunday afternoon. Shirley
Comment Written 24-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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Thanks again Shirley. Appreciate your consistent reviews. Blessings.
Comment from Fleedleflump
I thought the dialogue was all handled well and I like the occasional jumps back into flashes of memory, but they are sometimes not set up very clearly. Some notes below - I hope they help.
Mike
Spag notes:
'"I'm in your heart, where you can find me." She whispered' - should be a comma after 'me' and lower case 'she'
'I opened my eyes bathed in a cold sweat.' - needs a comma after 'eyes'
'From a thick leather chair in the corner, a shadowy person moves toward me' - 'moves' should be 'moved'
'Is it Kat, or is it a ghost?' - as this is a thought, I'd suggest italics.
'I squirmed, as she came into focus' - comma should be removed.
'Her red-stained eyes come into focus.' - something came into focus on the previous sentence, so something different might be better here.
'Worried lines ran across her forehead' - 'Worried' should be 'Worry' as 'Worry lines' is a known description.
'The pain and pressure burn and builds.' - should be 'The pain and pressure was burning and building.'
'"I can't believe... I'm alive, either"' - missing full stop from end.
'Mom, my fianc�?�©.' - Fanstory has garbled your accent!
'Mouth contorted' - needs a 'Her' before 'mouth'
'Finally, the hammer drops on my heart. It's a crushing blow that will never be the same.' - present tense and makes it sound as thought the hammer blow is what will never be the same. Suggest: 'Finally, the hammer dropped on my heart, a crushing blow, and I knew I'd never be the same.'
'I have no reason not to trust her.' - 'have' should be 'had'
'But how does she know?' - either 'does' should be 'did' or this should be in italics as a thought.
'I can't put all the pieces back together.' - 'can't' should be 'couldn't'
'There's the noise of twisted, crunching metal. It was her truck. I'm behind the wheel. Stars shine like a billion silver trinkets. The mountains crowd my left side. We ride like a coaster in the dark on rolling hills. T-boned! I hear the sound of breaking glass and crunching metal. I see her face of death. Then blackness. "Dear God: no. What have I done? I killed her! I killed her! "Did I kill her, Mom?"' - few issues. Suggest:
'There's the noise of twisted, crunching metal - her truck. I'm behind the wheel. Stars shine like a billion silver trinkets. The mountains crowd my left side. We ride like a coaster in the dark on rolling hills. T-boned! I hear the sound of breaking glass and crunching metal. I see her face of death. Then blackness.
Dear God: no. What have I done? I killed her! I killed her!
"Did I kill her, Mom?"'
'The lights come on like the crack of dawn' - 'come' should be 'came'
'A skinny nurse with red hair holds a needle in her hand.' - 'holds' should be 'held'
'I've never been so in love with a needle before should it deliver me from my senses and kill the pain.' - should start with 'I'd' and you've already shown us why he would love the needle so you don;t need to tell us. Suggest: 'I'd never been so in love with a needle before.'
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I thought the dialogue was all handled well and I like the occasional jumps back into flashes of memory, but they are sometimes not set up very clearly. Some notes below - I hope they help.
Mike
Spag notes:
'"I'm in your heart, where you can find me." She whispered' - should be a comma after 'me' and lower case 'she'
'I opened my eyes bathed in a cold sweat.' - needs a comma after 'eyes'
'From a thick leather chair in the corner, a shadowy person moves toward me' - 'moves' should be 'moved'
'Is it Kat, or is it a ghost?' - as this is a thought, I'd suggest italics.
'I squirmed, as she came into focus' - comma should be removed.
'Her red-stained eyes come into focus.' - something came into focus on the previous sentence, so something different might be better here.
'Worried lines ran across her forehead' - 'Worried' should be 'Worry' as 'Worry lines' is a known description.
'The pain and pressure burn and builds.' - should be 'The pain and pressure was burning and building.'
'"I can't believe... I'm alive, either"' - missing full stop from end.
'Mom, my fianc�?�©.' - Fanstory has garbled your accent!
'Mouth contorted' - needs a 'Her' before 'mouth'
'Finally, the hammer drops on my heart. It's a crushing blow that will never be the same.' - present tense and makes it sound as thought the hammer blow is what will never be the same. Suggest: 'Finally, the hammer dropped on my heart, a crushing blow, and I knew I'd never be the same.'
'I have no reason not to trust her.' - 'have' should be 'had'
'But how does she know?' - either 'does' should be 'did' or this should be in italics as a thought.
'I can't put all the pieces back together.' - 'can't' should be 'couldn't'
'There's the noise of twisted, crunching metal. It was her truck. I'm behind the wheel. Stars shine like a billion silver trinkets. The mountains crowd my left side. We ride like a coaster in the dark on rolling hills. T-boned! I hear the sound of breaking glass and crunching metal. I see her face of death. Then blackness. "Dear God: no. What have I done? I killed her! I killed her! "Did I kill her, Mom?"' - few issues. Suggest:
'There's the noise of twisted, crunching metal - her truck. I'm behind the wheel. Stars shine like a billion silver trinkets. The mountains crowd my left side. We ride like a coaster in the dark on rolling hills. T-boned! I hear the sound of breaking glass and crunching metal. I see her face of death. Then blackness.
Dear God: no. What have I done? I killed her! I killed her!
"Did I kill her, Mom?"'
'The lights come on like the crack of dawn' - 'come' should be 'came'
'A skinny nurse with red hair holds a needle in her hand.' - 'holds' should be 'held'
'I've never been so in love with a needle before should it deliver me from my senses and kill the pain.' - should start with 'I'd' and you've already shown us why he would love the needle so you don;t need to tell us. Suggest: 'I'd never been so in love with a needle before.'
Comment Written 24-Jul-2022
Comment from BethShelby
It is good to see your writing again. Your stories are always so real and interesting to read. I know I'm going to enjoy this one. Paul has a lot to overcome both physically and emotionally. I plan to read it as you post it. That is one scary picture you have under your writing handle. You don't write horror stories so it doesn't seem to fit your profile.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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It is good to see your writing again. Your stories are always so real and interesting to read. I know I'm going to enjoy this one. Paul has a lot to overcome both physically and emotionally. I plan to read it as you post it. That is one scary picture you have under your writing handle. You don't write horror stories so it doesn't seem to fit your profile.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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Thanks so much Beth. Blessings.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This has the potential to be an excellent book chapter. However at the moment it is difficult to judge, as the content is masked by flaws in the form. It reads like a first draft, and would be greatly improved by a careful polish. You should pay particular attenion to:
Inconsistent shifts between past and present verb tense
use of articles (the/a)
misuse of your versus you're
Kate xx
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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This has the potential to be an excellent book chapter. However at the moment it is difficult to judge, as the content is masked by flaws in the form. It reads like a first draft, and would be greatly improved by a careful polish. You should pay particular attenion to:
Inconsistent shifts between past and present verb tense
use of articles (the/a)
misuse of your versus you're
Kate xx
Comment Written 24-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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Yes, My bad on verb tenses. Sometimes I play with different viewpoints and tenses and then don't edit as good as I should. Thanks.
Comment from lyenochka
That would be dreadful to come to consciousness only to find out that his beloved fiancee died and he might have caused the accident that caused that death. A great job with the drama and dialogue here.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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That would be dreadful to come to consciousness only to find out that his beloved fiancee died and he might have caused the accident that caused that death. A great job with the drama and dialogue here.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
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Thanks for all. Blessings.
