Not On The Same Page
flash fiction4 total reviews
Comment from pookietoo
Tempeste, Someone gave you a good review, but I am giving you an excellent review. I love how you wrote the story. I was thinking they were going to kiss at the end, but you ended the story differently. I wish you luck. I helped you out!
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Tempeste, Someone gave you a good review, but I am giving you an excellent review. I love how you wrote the story. I was thinking they were going to kiss at the end, but you ended the story differently. I wish you luck. I helped you out!
Comment Written 24-Jul-2022
Comment from Tiara L Hawthorne
What an unexpected ending to a suspenseful piece. Intrigued with the word use that led us through the park. I can see how you came up with that title...very fitting.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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What an unexpected ending to a suspenseful piece. Intrigued with the word use that led us through the park. I can see how you came up with that title...very fitting.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2022
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Ciao!
Sorry for the late reply.
I was not well and actually I never got to even voting for anyone
I saw I won 2 nd place with others the day after.
Glad you enjoyed the unexpected ending.
I m addicted to sad endings , I love drama and turmoil , I find them more impactful.
Keep safe !
Ciao!
Comment from lyenochka
So his first overtures of romance was not love but only lust? Because he said "love was for the weak and foolish." Yet he wanted something from her? It seems her first instinct to run was right. Adding direct dialogue would help this piece.
Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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So his first overtures of romance was not love but only lust? Because he said "love was for the weak and foolish." Yet he wanted something from her? It seems her first instinct to run was right. Adding direct dialogue would help this piece.
Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 23-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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I m sure you are right, my all time favorite format is 5-7-5 , writing what I did was already a challenge.
I just wanted to give it a shot
Thank you for reading !
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
The door slammed, echoing down the hall way; as he quickened his stride, her words rang in his head like a broken record.- your opening here line needs edited. You've both changed the opening line (should be a long hall not a hall way) and added to it (using the semi-colon makes it part of the same sentence). It would be disqualified for either of these.
words rang in his head like a broken record.- best to avoid cliches, especially in the opening line.
suddenly events went sour and unexpectedly nosedived.- be careful with the adverbs, especially pairing them together, it makes them stand out more and can signal a weakness in verb choice.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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Hi there,
The door slammed, echoing down the hall way; as he quickened his stride, her words rang in his head like a broken record.- your opening here line needs edited. You've both changed the opening line (should be a long hall not a hall way) and added to it (using the semi-colon makes it part of the same sentence). It would be disqualified for either of these.
words rang in his head like a broken record.- best to avoid cliches, especially in the opening line.
suddenly events went sour and unexpectedly nosedived.- be careful with the adverbs, especially pairing them together, it makes them stand out more and can signal a weakness in verb choice.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 23-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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I just edited the first line and then I saw your review. Thank you for the helpful feedback . I just thought to give it a shot. My favourite format is 5-7-5 which explains why my essay is just average.
keep safe!
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What do you think of my edits...do you think it reads better?
